How do I detach from DD ?

[Oddcat]

My DD is 20 and has always been troubled . We've had interventions by SS , Cahms and took part in a therapy called MST to try and curtail her behaviour. She was arrested when she was 15 and expelled from school. She's been in therapy but refused to engage.

She did have a period of a couple of years when she knuckled down and completed an apprenticeship . She got another job after this which didn't work out , got another job where they let her go after a month .

She moved out to live with a young woman, which was very volatile and then came back home to live. She looked so ill and was painfully thin . She then started to go out with a young man. I now think she's gone back to the woman ( a bouquet of flowers arrived for DD from her).

She started a new job today but I get the impression that her heart isn't in it . As of now she's not come home from being at work.

I also fear that she might be pregnant (not confirmed).

I'm laying in bed fretting. I know she's an adult and can do what she likes but I just see her making a mess of things.

How do I detach from her and just let her get on with it ? She's got a terrible temper and when things go wrong it gets taken out in me.

I'm waiting for people to say chuck her out but I fear this would make her worse, she's dreadfully insecure and very needy.

I just want her to be settled. The worry makes me so anxious.

Well she's only 20 and obviously troubled so I don't think you CAN detach. All you can do is try to manage your anxiety.

Has she got a diagnoses of anything?

I understand what you're going through on one level because my brother (now in his 50s) has caused my Mother a terrible amount of stress for years and it's only now, now that he's been evicted from what was a lifetime tenancy and has to move into a house of multiple occupancy, that she's finally managed to remove herself from it.

I do sympathise...children are a terrible worry.

You can’t really detach from her if she’s living in your house?

Where she's living has little to do with the inevitable stress, anxiety and misery that having a troubled child causes.

Even if she were living in a flat, the poor OP would still worry. It's very, very hard indeed for a Mother to stop worrying or being attached to her child.

Even when they do awful things as my brother has done, our Mum remained loyal and stressed out about him.

Kids really are a lifetime commitment, and I speak one who knows, with a 40 yo Ds who still lives under my roof.

I hate it I hate that she's not happy and I hate the anxiety she causes me . I agree that the only thing I can do is manage my feelings , but how ? I try Mindfulness and relaxation stuff but the worry is overwhelming.

Ajas she doesn't have a diagnosis.

Could you find a shared activity to do with her Oddcat? Something simple like.......going to carboot sales...or walking a dog?

I've tried , we started going to yoga together but she often wouldn't turn up which causes more anxiety when I'm waiting for her !
The last thing she said to me yesterday was 'see you at home for dinner' but she hasn't come home nor has she answered my text asking if she's ok .

You have to stop worrying about her. You'll make yourself ill, obsessing over her. She's an adult, even though she lives under your roof. You've done your bit and it could make her worse knowing you're affected so badly.

I wish I could switch off - how do I manage that ?