Disobedient angry and unresponsive 7yo

[3timestrouble]

Hi
I really need some help with how to deal with my 7yo son. Anything I ask him to do, he fights back/grunts/snaps/gives attitude. If I ask him to come in for dinner his immediate reaction is no; if I ask him to get ready for bed he argues he hasn’t played enough; if I ask him to do his homework he says it’s not fair (even though we flipped a coin happily to decide whether he or his brother goes first). I’ve given him time out, smacked him, taken toys from him, tried to reason with him, stayed calm, lost my temper and this evening I held him down and screamed at him in tears. I’m at such a loss as to what to do and I’m fearful of the person I’m turning into when he acts like that. He’s the eldest of three boys and has always been grumpy but he’s also so wonderful and considerate when he’s on his own or things are going his way.
Both my husband and I were raised to have respect for our parents which is what we try to install in the boys whilst also listening to them and their needs however he has no respect for either of us.
Does anyone have any useful advice as to how to deal with him and how to stay calm as I’m really at a loss both mentally and emotionally.
TIA

maybe you could try a reward peg chart? i'll attach a photo. linking with this, you should have a set routine when coming home from school. eg:

-have snack
-do homework (don't flip a coin or anything. get them both in different areas doing it at once)
-pack school bag
-have bath

write the following things above on individual clothes pegs. tell him that he needs to get each peg to the other side of the chart before he can play or watch TV. don't argue with him, but stand strong. as soon as he gets in the door, lay his snack out, and then tell him he can move a peg over. hopefully as time goes by, he will get into the habit of looking at the chart, then moving the peg without being asked. don't relent about the gaming, because otherwise he will think he can get away with not following his routine. all the best and hang in there! x

I’m fearful of the person I’m turning into when he acts like that

Ok some of the behaviour you’ve described is not very nice for your son. You’ve lost control. But you’re actually the adult and always in control.

I struggle to stay calm with my dcs. The thing that helped is imagining what it’s like being a small child and having an adult leer over them and scream. Imagine his fear - he will be covering it up with attitude.

I found that listening to a book called “Calm parents Happy Kids” really really helped me. I listened to it as opposed to reading because I would properly pay attention - i would listen on the train or when out.

You’ve got to remember, he’s 7. Give him some control back and stop expecting immediate obedience (which is how I read the comment about expecting respect). You’ll have to go someway to repair the relationship and be consistent. Why should he respect someone who hits and holds him down screaming at him?

whoops, here is the picture

Try a calm style positive parenting parent course
Get "how to talk so kids will listen" book
How is he at school

@believeitornot I completely agree with you and am horrified I held him down. I’m st my wits end because he pushes and pushes and then his brothers copy him. Out of all of my friends kids and kids in shops that I see my kids are the ones that if I ask them to be quiet they won’t. I get it with my 5 and 3yo but my 7yo I would have thought at this age he would listen, that’s what I mean by respect. Maybe I have a warped view of how they ‘should’ behave?
Thanks for the tip on the book, I’ll listen to it for sure.

He’s really really good at school, he’s always been brilliant with my parents looking after him (and his brothers). They are completely different with us (DH and I) it’s exhausting.

Thank you @sleepismysuperpower1 I will try this

hope it works for you x

He might be pushing because you want instant obedience and he’s realising that actually no, he’s got a different opinion?

My eldest is like this and it drives me insane. But sometimes I realise that actually his opinion is valid at times.

Also sometimes it’s a matter of language. So when it’s dinner time for example - you tell him it’s dinner and don’t ask him to come. Otherwise you’re giving him an option not to. You could say “dinner is ready, come chose the plate”. Or “after dinner you can play x, come along”.

My ds is very bright and doesn’t always does as he’s told - I see his friends acting obediently. But turns out they’re bribed left right and centre hence the obedience 🤣🤣

Try using some PDA strategies with him.

Not saying he has it, but what you're doing now isn't working, so this may help.
www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies

Does he get individual time with you