How do you feel about your child that reminds you of your ex?

[ecuse]

Just what it says in the title, really.

I'm quite a lot like my Dad. My mum often comments on it. Context: often in (mock) exasperation - you work too hard, just like your Dad. You're always late just like your Dad.

Sometimes in a nice way as well though: you're clever/successful just like your Dad etc.

They've been divorced 30 years and are perfectly cordial, can be trusted to be in the same room etc. But it sometimes makes me wonder .. I mean. She divorced my Dad, didn't she? I don't know the ins and outs and I was only six at the time. But I think some of it was around him working long hours, doing lots of business travel and just not being around. Also they had been childhood sweethearts and I think they were just growing apart as they grew up.

It just makes me feel funny that I remind her so much of this person she chose to leave.

So - if you are divorced and have kids that remind you of your ex - what does that feel like? Does it change the way you feel about your child?

My youngest DD is the absolute double of her Dad, exactly the same face, teeth, eyes, only with lighter, longer hair. There are times when I catch a quick glimpse of her out the corner of my eye and.....

It doesn't change the way I feel about her, I still adore her. Maybe it helps that EXH and I still have a good relationship.

She didn't just chose to leave your dad, she fell in love with him, married him and had his children! That doesn't just disappear because sometimes the obstacles life puts in front of you are too great to overcome. That's why breaking up is always so painful, because you remember how many years you adored that person, but mistakes or circumstance mean you can no longer be together.

My parents broke up when I was very young and were really very acrimonious. When I was younger all I knew of my mum and dad was their break-up and the things that drove them apart; I was never alive all those years they loved each other. It's ten years now since my mum passed away, and my dad tells me frequently in very fond terms all the things he loved about her, all the fond memories. If she'd still been here perhaps all I ever would have continued to know was what they didn't like about each other, not what they did.

Don't know if that helps!

My DS looks a lot like his dad. We separated a few years ago after he had an affair so not under the best circumstances but we get on OK now.
There are times when he pulls an expression that looks the spit of his dad, or when he's acting sulky or stroppy and he really reminds me of him and I do an inward little "argh, you are just like your bloody father!"

But honestly, it doesn't bother me. DS also looks like me and does things sometimes that really remind me of me. But overall, however much he looks or acts like either of us, he is very much is own wonderful, unique little person and I adore him for who he is.

My DSS mum comments to him that he looks/acts like his dad (my DP) when she's annoyed with him. They are 2 peas in a pod though. I feel sad for him, and he is in counselling for her behaviour (emotional abuse) of him.

Both of my adult children remind me of their father. My daughter in particular, looks like him in many ways and has the same driven personality. My son looks like his dad but isn't like him in character ( thank heavens). Sometimes they'll say or do something and I'll think "just like X".

None of this means a thing to me - I detest my ex because the man I loved and had my children with, decided to cheat and lie to me. I left him and made a life for myself without him.

The fact that the children remind me of him, doesn't bother me - they are not him, they are their own people and I love them both dearly. I'm sure your mother is the same - you may have qualities that your father had, but you are your own person . She doesn't look at you and see him, she sees you . It all works out in the end !

My ex is a narc, and we're going through a messy divorce.

I still tell my kids if they do something (positive) that reminds me of him thoug. He is a human (alledgedly) and there are things my kids do that make me laugh and remind me of the nicer parts of his personality.

Eg I started to advise my 12 year old son no more biscuits, but with reflexes so quick I hadn't even finished the sentence, he'd picked one up and shoved the entire thing in his mouth with a grin. I couldn't help but laugh as that's his dad's biscuit eating method, and I would always be puzzled at how someone can fit an entire biscuit in their mouth at once.

There are (rare) times that I worry that recognise some of the more negative parts of his personality, but I never comment on that, I just try and work out how to work with my kids to avoid that progressing.

I can differentiate between the man I fell in love with, the man who is a good enough father to my children at the moment, and the man who treated/is treating me like absolute shit. So when my kids remind me of their dad, it's nearly always the man I used to love/good father part so there are no negative feelings about this, and I love my kids wholeheartedly. The person your mum chose to leave, was probably not the person she fell in love with in the first place so you reminding her of your dad might not be so weird for her.

that's nice to hear, thank you all :)