Is anyone up? Dd up crying with anxiety

[Namechanger1776]

Dd has been awake since midnight crying with anxiety about going to school. She is year 7 in a school where she doesn’t know anyone.

I wondered if anyone had moved their child’s school because of this and how much of a chance she needs to give it before I look at moving her.

I believe you should go with your gut feeling, no one knows their child like you. Do you believe that keeping her in this school will be good for her, do you believe that she will soon settle in and be happy. Ask yourself these questions. Is she a child that is prone to anxiety or is this something you have never seen before. I feel for you and agree with others please do not put her through unnecessary anxiety it will not make her strong, but letting her make choices that will empower her. Speak to the school that she would like to go to you may find that they might be sympathetic.

I think giving it until Christmas is a really good idea. THat gives her a chance to settle, but also is doable if she really doesnt. It also says I'm listening to you and I hear what you're saying, but I decide what happens.

I've said this before on similar threads, but I think children sometimes have unrealistic expectations of going into yr7 and making instant friendships. Or they fall into a group because they think they must have friends, then it turns out they weren't the right friends and it all goes wrong later.

When I was in the first year at 2ndary, I didn't know anyone when I started. I was friendly enough with some of the girls in my form, and continued to be friendly with them throughout. But I didn't meet the girl who would be my best friend until near the end of the first year, because she was in a different form. Then I became part of a real friendship group in the 2nd year, and that was probably my most fun year at school.

The first term at 2ndary is tiring anyway, with so much new stuff to get used to. I can remember how tired I felt at times, going from a small primary to a much bigger school

So I'd say give it some time. Focus on getting to know the school, get used to new lessons, new teachers. Be friendly towards everyone. But don't think there's something wrong if she hasn't made friends. She just hasn't met them yet, that's all.

I have phoned admissions and I’ve put her on the waiting list for the other school. They have been really kind and said I dont have to take the place if it’s offered to me but it gives her an out if by the time it gets to her she doesn’t want it.

I have also emailed pastoral and asked for help but haven’t heard back yet.

I’m also going to take her to the doctors as she keeps saying she is ill not anxious and ask the doctor to explain that sometimes anxiety makes you feel ill.

I also see things very differently to most posters. I know what I am bout to say is going to be quite harsh, but I'm going to say it anyway!!

Ds1 went to a catholic feeder secondary, so 80% of his class went there. It is our nearest school. He walks or rides his bike. But apart from two old friends, I would say 20-30 of his friends are new. And they live further afield, so I spend quite a bit of time transporting him around, because these boys get the train to school. But the point is I had expected this. It was obvious. I knew the dynamics and transport needs from talking to previous pupils mums.
He has been mostly happy all the way through.

But that's boys. And I think they are quite different to girls. For girls friendships are very very important. and kinda more difficult to form, in the first place, I suspect.

So I feel like saying to the Op, with respect what did you expect?
Plus, she is clearly anxious. (which neither of my ds's particulary are).
So what made you send her to this school in the first place. Or what made you NOT expect this scenario? It sounds blatantly obvious to me. And could have been foreseen.
Did you not try and form friendships with some of the girls that you knew would be attending, in the summer prior to her starting year 7?

Or finding out which girls liked ....... ponies, flute..... certain boy bands/whatever?
Or approach HoY prior to day one?

Most girls struggle to form friendships. But if a dd is prone to anxiety, that surely this would be even more heightened?

Op this was me 2 years ago DS now in Y9.

He started on the Monday by the Wedn he'd had a huge meltdown, couldnt tell me specificially what or why he was feeling like it. I got the I have no friends, different kids in different classes, no one to hang with at lunchtimes etc... He would always have a emotional meltdown at bedtime. I found the Education section on Talk the best plae to post...you could perhaps ask for this to be placed there. You will find there are lots of parents in your position.

It is such a difficult time for them a huge transission. I emailed the tutor in the end and he gave DS some jobs to do at lunchtime which he really enjoyed doing, then one morning a week there was a breakfast/catch up club he went to and met lots of kids in the same position as him, plus he joined a music club at lunchtime. Must admit it took him a good year to totally settle well.

Hope all goes well but consider looking at the education section and posting on there

Also, op, might she be starting her periods soon? That might also be having an impact on her mood.

Is she still in contact with her old friend at the other school ? I'd be worried that they had formed friendships with others and your DD would find it hard to integrate herself.

Really Oblomov18? I went to a secondary school with only once primary friend who decided it was best not to be friends anymore after a couple of months or so. I had no anxiety at all. I made friends quickly and easily.

So I’d say your personal experience is about as valid as mine.

OP I think you’re taking the right steps.

Diana?
I disagree. I wasn't just commenting on my own children's experience. Or mine. I was talking generally, about girls generally, and also about the extra mile you need to go, when you have a dd with anxiety: which quite a few of my friends actually do.

Which of my suggestions/arguments from my multiple postings, are you objecting to, specifically?

To answer your questions.

My daughter showed no signs of being anxious until the day before going to the school. From that point on she has been unhappy. I made the decision based on our area and the other school being over subscribed and her sibling going to this school.

No I didn’t make play dates in the summer holidays as she was with her dad for 3 weeks who doesn’t live locally. I work full time and we were on holiday so it wasn’t possible.

I have been trying since she started to encourage her and suggest ways of being sociable. Her sister has Sen and is on the school radar so I contacted pastoral who have suggested some clubs she might want to join. She hasn’t shown an interest in any of them.

Yes she is still in contact with her old friends. She goes to a youth club with them.

Ok.
So now you have to wait for HoY to get back to you.
And see your GP.
Other than that, it's just a case of see how it goes.

My son (now Y9) had a similar start in Y7. We moved into the area so he had no friends from primary at the new school. We didn't have a plan B (and not sure if I would have moved him anyway as I did think he'd adjust). It took until Christmas though - tears most mornings, intense anxiety about forgetting something, etc. The pastoral team were excellent so I'd get them involved. But he has a lovely group of mates, is very happy and settled, and on the way, built resilience and coping skills.

I’m not objecting Oblomov.

You stated as fact that girls need more friendship input than boys which seemed to be based on you experience with your sons. My kids aren’t yet at secondary so I can only draw on my own experience which is different to what you are saying.

I’m not actually privy to your entire life story so how do I know what you’re basing anything on when you only mention your sons? I scanned back through the thread and I referenced what was your second post so hardly multiple postings.

Sorry if I got your back up.

OP, your approach sounds exactly right.

All those telling tales of anxiety ruining a child’s life, OP’s dd has only been there TWO WEEKS. She’ll need to give it a proper try first before writing the whole school off!

OP, re clubs etc, I would say it’s non negotiable. If you are prepared to try your best to help her, by taking her to the GP and so on, she had to try some of the things available. There must be something that doesn’t horrify her.