I think I’m heading into a nervous breakdown

[ItMustBeBadTheCatsCuddlingMe]

Acutely aware that’s not an actual diagnosis but it’s what keeps going round in my head. I keep bursting into tears for no reason. Everything feels like it’s too much to deal with. My brain is skittering and skipping and if I focus on anything for too long I panic. I have a heavy feeling in my chest and just want to hide. I went out for a run today and had to call DH to come and pick me up after a mile and a half as I kept crying and couldn’t face walking all the way home in tears. I’m just about holding it together for/ in front of the DC but when they get too loud and demanding I want to run away. There is nothing actually wrong though. Just a lot of different things going on and it all feels like it’s insurmountable. I had PND (/ possibly just preexisting long-term depression exacerbated by lack of sleep) after having DS1 but finally came off my very low dose of citalopram about three months ago after three years as I finally felt ok. But I’m now not. This has been going on for the last week or two and getting worse and worse culminating in the last two days of crying all the time.

I know I need to go back to the gp and ask to be put back on something but I feel like such a failure. And in all honesty since coming off the meds I’ve felt loads better on some ways. I feel like I’ve had ‘real’ sleep for the first time in years, I actually have a bit of a sex drive again... so I’m sad to be losing all that. And I wonder how much is just circumstantial and I’m just weak and can’t xope with normal life. I’m in my final year of a relatively difficult degree, DS1 started reception last week and is being assessed for ASD, DS2 is 1 and hell-bent on killing himself by jumping off things. Also going through a phase of hating being left with anyone which means dropping him off at childminders is torture for all involved - I’ve been in tears twice today thinking about doing it tomorrow morning - and when we’re at home he is on me like a limpet. DH does a stressful shift work job so a lot of time at home I’m on my own with them. We don’t really get any time together and when we do we bicker. He’s just started taking medication for anxiety (which has taken me years to get him to do) and I really wanted to support him and instead I seem to have collapsed. Our finances are a mess due to childcare costs - we’ve just had to borrow more on our mortgage to pay off some smallish debts. And DH has temporarily been doing a better paid job but has been told that’s finishing next month and he’s going back to his old role, so am panicking about that. We desperately need to move for more space as we’re in a tiny tiny flat but can’t until I graduate and start work. I have a very difficult relationship with both my parents and a lot of stuff about that is going round and round in my head at the moment. But all that said there is nothing actually wrong. We’re all together, and healthy, money worries are temporary-ish and only money anyway. This is just normal life, I think. So why the duck can’t I cope and why am I so shit?! I’m secretly worried that it’s because DH has started meds and needs support that some horrible dark bit of my psyche doesn’t like it and is trying to
Get the attention back on me. The flat is a tip constantly beCuse even when I get time to tidy the kids trash it in minutes. I cannot be arsed to cook or do other things I used to enjoy. Not even excited about Christmas. DH is probably working anyway so it all feels pointless.

And now having typed this out I’m sitting on the sofa crying again wondering why the hell
I’m writing shit on mumsnet instead of putting on a load of washing so I actually have clean pants for tomorrow. Ffs.

Oh my god, there’s nothing wrong with you - you have tiny kids, you’re doing a degree (with tiny kids), you have money worries, you and your partner are stressed, you’re all on top of each other in a tiny flat....you are overwhelmed!

It sounds to me like you, rather than being ‘shit’, are actually thrashing through a great deal of stuff, juggling too much and feeling it. That’s all - you’re feeling your normal feelings about everything being Too Much.

You will finish your degree.
Your money worries will gradually improve and you will move.
Your little kids will get older and a bit calmer and more manageable.
Bit by bit life will get easier.

That’s how it went for me. Hang in there. There’s nothing wrong with you. Take it day by day

Go find student services & get some support, mature student advisor saved my sanity!

I didn't have kids, had money, still was overwhelmed.

Go find student services & get some support, mature student advisor saved my sanity! I could see if I can ring them. I’m on placement near home at the moment though- normally commute up to London - and can’t really afford the time to make a special trip. I’ve done counselling through uni before - when I fell unexpectedly pregnant with DS1 and was a bit of a mess- and tbh the counsellor just sat there while I ranted and eventually brought myself to the conclusion that I just had to pull myself together and get on with things. Which feels like the case this time as well. I’m just failing at the pulling together part. I could probably take some time off but it would be a whole year or nothing (

Nothing wrong with you, you sound like a trooper, I agree with seeking student support.

You poor love, life can be awful at times and it's normal to get stressed especially with young children and studying on top you have an awful lot to cope with at the moment. There is no shame in taking antidepressants for your mental health. It sounds like you came off your meds too soon. Could you ask your GP for a different antidepressant? I could have written your post a few months ago. I felt exactly the same, nothing was officially wrong with my life but couldn't cope, constantly in tears, shouting at the DC, house a complete tip. I had felt that way for the last 3 years and had tried a couple of antidepressants including Citalopram which I gave up on quite quickly as could not bear the side effects of it, for me that was putting on weight, and feeling no emotions. After steadily going downhill I went back to GP recently and am now on 50mg Sertraline. Have been on it a couple of months and can honestly say it's given me my life back. I feel normal again comple with emotions and have a sex drive! My only regret is that I didn't give it a go 3 years ago. It's just finding the right medicine for you. You are not weak, you are trying your best in very difficult circumstances and things will get better. Please go back to the GP and get some support. Do you have a close friend or family member in RL you can talk to?

Even if it is a rant, it does dissipate the distress. Mine was better than that but I shouted at him...

Use all the tools you can find, can't hurt. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you all for being so kind. I really don’t feel like I’m managing. I’ve just texted DH to ask him to try to leave work early as I’m just sitting here crying on and off and panicking about nothing. My heart is pounding and my hands keep shaking. I know I need to go to bed but both DSs are in there because DS1 is going through a scared to sleep in his own room phase and the thought of accidentally waking one of them up and having to cope with that is horrifying. Even though realistically I know it’s fine, and I’ve coped fine with awake children every night for the last four years . Anyway I’ve done nothing all evening except faff and cry. So fed up with myself.

How are you feeling today OP? Anyone would be stressed out dealing with everything you are x

you’re doing really well in fact. I wonder if your dcs have sensory issues? I used to roll up my ASC boy quite tightly in a quilt “ playing sausage rolls”. He found it very comforting and calming.

You're having a normal reaction to a really stressful situation. You're not a failure at all.

Did you come off the citalopram too quickly maybe? It sounds like going back on it would be a good idea for now and you can reduce it when things settle down.

It's attrition too, you (by which i mean people) cope, cope, cope but eventually you do need to recharge, step back (or whatever crap euphemism you want to use), refill the reserves to go again.

Do not let yourself drift or crash into a full breakdown, trust me, I wobble occasionally but I have a sibling with psychosis, do not ignore you're at a point where things need addressing.

Do a list, drop any junk activities, get a cleaner in, postpone, cancel, whatever, have a bit of rest, take your kids out & walk in a park. Get support & don't feel bad about it.

Big virtual, I'm not an internet axe murderer, hug.

Also, see the GP, take the pills, find a local support service, talk to people. Mind have local groups, once now is sorted.

Don't currently add to your overload, tho, ditch as much as you can & sleep.

I have sensory issues, just got a weighted blanket, love it.

Just wanted to agree with posters above saying please stop giving yourself a hard time, it's completely understandable that you're struggling with all that is going on, and if you need to, go back onto the citalopram - there's nothing to be ashamed of in getting medication for a mental health issue. If you go back on them, and decide to come off them again, reduce it gradually and really really slowly - by the time I came off mine I was only taking a quarter of a tablet a day so I knew, pretty much, that I'd be ok, as the dosage was so minuscule. And it will get better, when you've finished your degree and your kids are a bit older and less demanding, but that doesn't mean you just have to try and cope without help now - counselling, medicine, whatever it takes to get you through the tough times. for you, and I hope the week gets better.