Only 18 please I need help!

[Advicehunter101]

Right so I have had the worst weekend. Not because of who I was with or where I was staying but because of one individual ...

Please keep reading and tell me what you think.

Let’s say the person your with and their ex have had a child together and it didn’t end on good terms so she female moved north about 7 hours away before the baby was born. The father of this child would travel up for the birth and basically every other weekend to see his baby girl. And what would he get? This ‘woman’ would beat the hell out of him for no reason - even when he is holding their daughter - putting her own daughter in danger. But despite this he still would go up and see his baby girl even though this individual refuses to put him on the birth certificate or take a DNA test to prove that this actually is his. Leaving him stood with no rights over the child whatsoever yet demanding money to pay for the baby.

When he would travel all that distance to see his little girl, this individual would not let them out of her site. He would have to follow her around and do what she wanted. He wouldn’t be allowed to take her away to have a few hours one-to-one and if she did it was very rare. She would kick him (and his two other children) out at 2 o’clock in the morning, pushing them down the stairs and out. What a wonderful step mother. Forcing them to do nothing other than do travel the grovelling 7 hours home.

It’s safe to say that relationship ended - in my opinion, for the best.

A few months down the line, him and myself met and later got into a relationship and we now live together happily. From the word go I have told him to always chose his children over me - as I feel this is what anyone should do. He agreed and said he would. 5 months after we officiated our relationship, I’ve seen him travel there and back, there and back, there and back. Paying for things that are being demanded for his daughter and being told that the individual cannot afford to pay for it. Baring in mind she’s had a boob job done during this time. Yes, she got her tits done but can’t afford to buy her child a bed. I think everyone is thinking the same thing.

During the time him and I have been together I have witnessed this individual having left countless of threatening messages to him. Sending him pictures of his daughter and telling him that is the last picture he will ever get of her. This is something he is told on a weekly basis. This individual would blackmail my boyfriend using his child - this is abuse. It is mental abuse. It is about this individual having power and control over the other. It’s broken my heart to witness this.

It has broken my heart even more having witness her full on scream at her baby because she was crying. Who even does this?!

Anyway, so their child is 7 months old now and for the first time this individual has actually bought their daughter down this weekend. Last week this individual told him several times each day in the upcoming 10 days that she is no longer bringing his daughter down. This individual told him that if there was any trace of a female in his flat he would NEVER see his baby girl again. This bought things to a halt. What am I supposed to do with all of my belongings? Where am I supposed to go for the weekend? Fortunately for me I have a wonderful loving family that happily took me in for the weekend which I am very grateful for. Anyhow, all of my stuff is in our home! What were we to do. So, as I refuse to take priority over his children and he agrees, I packed up my stuff and moved it into my car and a little bit in the loft. Knowing that this individual would rummage though our belongings and cupboards to purposefully look for things that could belong to me or any other female (she knows I exist but doesn’t know that we live together or my name). This I personally think is rude. If this individual was to know that we lived together then again it is threatened that he will never see his daughter again.
I moved out of my own home because this individual refuses to let him be happy and because I don’t want to be the reason he can no longer see his daughter.

I’m sorry but I think that the behaviour shown from this individual is 100% unacceptable. I think that it is disgustingly disrespectful and rude. I have been so unhappy this weekend not being able to go to bed cuddling the love of my life. Not being able to be in or even near my own home. Not to be able to eat my own food or drink my own drink - I might add she happily drunk over half a bottle of my alcohol. I feel I need that right now. I have not been able to live in my own home because this individual will throw her toys out of the pram and black mail and abuse my partner.

I would really appreciate it if people would tell me if this behaviour is normal or anything?

Awwww I feel so bad for you that you are going through this and of course your partner. I think the way this person is behaving is disgusting and there are legal steps you can take to get a dna test done and have parental responsibility put in place for your partner. He could also get a contact order to see his child regularly without her sticking her oar in. I would recommend speaking to a solicitor as a lot of them offer a free half hour consultation where they can advise what needs to be done to sort this situation out. It sounds like the kids aren’t in a very good environment living with her either. You have behaved like a grown up and really gone above and beyond what would be expected and you should be proud of yourself for that. Definitely get a free half hour at a solicitors so they can advise how to tackle this manipulative person legally. Good luck and all the best !

My honest advice would be run for the hills now. From bitter experience I can tell you that this won't end well.

You are 18? Run away fast! You don’t need to deal with any of this drama.

Thank you leighbroad I really appreciate hearing what you've got to say and I will look into a solicitor. She keeps telling him that if they get back together then he will get to see her everyday and her brothers (his other kids) would get to see their half sister too. I love him so much and couldn't reimagine my life without him but I want him to be happy

You have a strong sense of what is right and you are taking in. HUGE constraint in knowing that his kids come first.

Honestly? This can only be sorted out by the courts and an access agreement. He needs to fight properly for his rights. Including a DNA test. And even then this individual will cause havoc.

Is she abusive to the child?

He has 3 kids, would you want to bring your own baby into a family where all this is going on and it’s father is dealing with this and bringing an ex like this into the equation? Can you afford to have a child (in due course, 5 or 6 years, maybe) with a man who already supports 3 other kids?

You are right, and very mature, to support him to put his kids first, but given the chaos, dies he actually have the capacity to also give to a serious relationship? He can’t expect to have a serious relationship that depends on you to move out and erase all trace of yourself from your own home!

He needs to address this full on through a solicitor.

And if it doesn’t get sorted you need to assess how much of your 18 year old life you are prepared to compromise for a load of chaos and drama that is not if your making.

And for god ‘s sake make sure your contraception is belt and braces.

Being supportive is one thing. Sacrificing yourself is another.

Thank you KnotsInMay
I wouldn't say that the mother is abusive towards her (she is a healthy little baby)!

Money wise we are both fine and stable.

The two other boys live with their mother most of the time and he sees them regularly.

We both get along so well and we have a really strong relationship. But it's only when she starts threatening and blackmailing with the bubbie that it makes it difficult. This is because it upsets him (which I completely understand because some of the things she says make me upset and would do anyone).

He's not one to open up easily like most men aren't and once she's upset it's like trying to get blood from a stone.

Oh and don't worry I shan't be getting pregnant anytime soon!

You’re 18, you have your life ahead of you, why are you with this man? It sounds like he is trying to do the right thing but you need to prioritize YOU and at you’re age (or any age arguably) no wa should you be having to consider these things. He’s already got three kids by other women, that’s way too much baggage imo. I would go off and have fun on your own and meet someone else with a far less complex lifestyle if I were you. You’re a teenager, life’s too short for all this.

You are only 18, I can't see if you mention how old your BF is, but as he already has three children with other women, probably he's in his early 30s.
Whatever his age, he is at a very different life stage to you. While he is struggling to juggle the demands of children, failed relationships, previous partners, you are just starting out in your life.

However loving and kind he might seem to you in these early days of your relationship, he is not someone who maintains relationships in the long term. If you were to start a family with him, the likelihood is that the relationship would not last for very long.

You only have his view about the relationship with the mother of the youngest child, her version of the story might be very different. But whatever she is really like, if you stay with him, you will have her and her child in your life for as long as you and he are together, that sounds like a lot to demand from an 18 year old.

At 18, with a boyfriend in their twenties, you would be putting each other first, focusing on developing your own close relationship.

Not, as you are blithely doing, agreeing that someone else's children and the demands of previous partners, must come first.

You are missing out on so very much by being with this man. Things that will only become obvious when you are older, and that you will have lost before you realise their importance.

Go and live your life to the best of your ability, not hampered by this man and his failures.

You’re 18, and have moved in with a man who has a 7 month old from another woman and other children and what seems like a very complicated situation.

I absolutely agree with you that the children come first, leave, let him get the situation sorted, if she wants money he can request a DNA test and pay via the CSA and go to court for suitable access. Maybe once he has it all sorted and him and the children are sorted you can pick your relationship back up.