How do you decide?

[1000names]

Ok, be gentle. I’ve name changed for this.

I’m not being goady. I’m not trying to start a fight. I just want some views on what’s more important. I’m going to be very honest. I’m genuinely sorry if what I have to say upsets anyone.

My DC had some health issues at birth, my DH became completely withdrawn. Our families couldn’t cope with the screaming. I did a lot of lonely parenting of a very unhappy, unwell baby. I didn’t get a full night’s sleep until DC was 9 months when DH finally felt able to do a night shift. As a result, DC is very clingy. Especially to me.

So I quit my job, got a part time one at a lower grade and imported grandparents to do some of the childcare to minimise nursery. Now I really enjoy my days with my DC but I won’t lie, sometimes in the past year I have struggled.

Apart from some minor, lingering issues, DC is otherwise a healthy, happy, well developed toddler. With a Normal case of the terrible twos.

Now DH and I are at the point of considering whether to extend our family. But to be honest I can’t face another year like DC’s first. I felt so alone. Not helped by some birth injuries that eventually required surgery.

Here’s the thorny bit. I think I’d be happy to if I could go back to work sooner than I did with DC. And do more hours than I do now. I think if I didn’t have to do it so many hours a day I could do parenting better.

I envy those mums - some of my friends among them - who seem to feel no guilt for leaving their children in childcare 8-6 five days a week. But I just feel that wouldn’t be in the interest of my current DC, or any other.

So, who should come first? Me, DC? Who holds the top trumps?

So as not to drip feed my DM felt no guilt leaving me 7-6 five days a week from 11 weeks. I remember more of my childminder than I do my parents in the first few years. The childminder did the weaning, establishing routines, potty training. Essentially, as I now see it, the parenting.

Why can't your DH be the primary carer? Shared parental leave should make that possible now. Obvs if your maternity package is enhanced then that may change things.

I'll be honest - I did feel some guilt at leaving my children in childcare whilst I worked but needs must. However, I can assure you that, now aged 12 and 15, there has been no lasting 'damage'. Mine both went to a nursery so didn't do the same bonding that a young toddler might do with a childminder. They have fond memories of nursery, but they mostly revolve around the friends they made, not the adults who looked after them (not that they have bad memories of them, just that they don't feature as much as their little friends).

So ultimately I would say that you hold the 'top trumps'. Your children will be fine whatever childcare arrangement you make.

@confusedandemployed my DH earns double what I would, even full time. So that’s not an option.

@dontmakemeshushyou it’s great that your DC enjoyed nursery. Sadly mine is really struggling so I’m actually planning to move him. I think that’ll help. Hopefully.

Really appreciate you guys replying. Have posted again in AIBU (I hope that’s allowed) to try and get some more opinions as I really need some help with this.

It's not really clear if YOU want another child. If not, don't.

Yes. I want anothe child.

Yes. My DH had a lot of issues when my DC was born. He has worked really hard with a counsellor on ?PTSD for 2 years since then and is a good dad now. But there is a risk he would revert in the event of another traumatic birth. There is no hiding from that.

You need to sort out your support network before having another child. And be aware of the impact it will have on your child you already have. Can a relative come to stay in the early days? Hired help? Could your husband take extended paternity leave?

That’s a good point. I hadn’t considered extended paternity leave. He is self employed so it would be unpaid, which would need some planning, but yes, that’s an option I hadn’t considered. Thank you.

Yep, if you are sure you want another child you need to be aware that the emotional aspect and lack of sleep is almost inevitable. So try to sort the other things. Can you start saving money for unpaid leave? Budget a bit more. If your child can bare it up your hours now?

Yes, we could start saving for that.

I just don’t know with nursery. Last week DC had a fit of the screaming ab-dabs when I took him. Then today he asked to go. I just feel like I’m getting it wrong all the time!