Reduces time with me to spend more with his kids

[leighbroad]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to know what others would do in my situation. I met a really nice guy after being single for 5 years. I have 2 children and he also has 2 children. When we got together I knew he was separated from his wife but still living in the same house. They have split their time with the kids and have a proper working schedule, where he has ended up having the kids more often than her. When we first met, he was coming to see me every other weekend on a Friday night and he had to be back home for his kids 7pm Sunday. He also would spend one night in the week with me and schedule his work around staying with me. His ex decided she didn’t want to do ANY Friday nights so he agreed to do all of them, which reduced the time with me (although a bit annoying I didn’t say anything about it) then he started leaving my house early Sunday morning to do other things (again I didn’t say anything ) then he stopped coming down in the week as he’s been working in other areas further away from me and closer to his home (can’t really help that do again, I said nothing) this only leaves saturdays every other weekend to spend time with me.
Now....whats hacked me off is this Saturday he is relieved from the kids at 7am but instead of packing his bags and coming to see me (as we hadn’t seen each other in 3 weeks due to him taking on extra time with the kids and taking them away for a week) he stayed at home, playing with the kids, cooking breakfast, having arguments with his ex and meanwhile, I am put on the back burner.
This upset me as I felt as though he was at home with his ex and kids the majority of the time , when he’s not away with work and the one day in 5 weeks (been 3 weeks since I’ve seen him and not able to see him for another 2 weeks) he has no urgency at all to come and see me.
I told him how I felt on the phone and his response was “every moment I can spend with my kids, I will” so just to clarify I asked him if he’s just spent the last 3 weeks with his kids and not seen me at all and he lives with his kids and sees them most days, if his ex asks him to have the kids on her day so she can swan off and do something she wants to do, would he have the kids and not see me and the answer was “yes”
This shocked me to the core. I mean we all love our kids and enjoy the time we spend with them but if you are trying to also maintain a relationship and you think you can continuously cancel and shorten that time to spend even more time with your kids than you do already, it speaks volumes as to the state of the relationship.
We’ve been together for 7 months and he’s onky just told his kids last week that he’s not going to be married to their mum anymore and the kids don’t know I exist!!! He’s told all of his friends and family and it’s no secret (just the kids don’t know) I feel now that he’s not considered my feelings at all and is treating me unfairly as it seems he sees me when he can’t have the kids and he has nothing else going on. I should say that we do speak several times a day and are in constant contact on whatsapp but I feel like I don’t have the relationship I deserve.
What does everyone else think?

I don't think you're compatible. He's put his kids before you, and quite rightly so. This is a difficult time for his children and he's trying to make sure they have a parent around all the time. If I were you I think I'd leave, only 7 months in, and you're resenting the kids of his time. I think walk away and leave them be to find out a balance.

Thanks for your reply! I know it may look like I resent him spending time with his kids, but it’s not that at all. He lives with the kids still and have them quite a lot more than his ex as it is and I have no issues at all with that. I have 2 kids myself and completely agree that the kids always have to come first. I guess I feel as though only really have one day to spend with him every 2 weeks and considering he lives with the kids and sees them every day , I do find it quite shocking that he would cancel that time with me to spend all of his time with his kids. It wouldn’t be a problem if the kids knew about me and he could bring them over , but there lies another issue!!! I guess it’s made me think that the relationship with me can’t really be something hes serious about if he only comes to see me when he’s at a loose end and not able to see his kids because his ex is doing something with them.

I think he's quite rightly putting the kids first. I also don't think you're compatible - it just doesn't sound like there is much room in his life for you. Sorry, I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I think you'd be better suited to someone with fewer demands on their time.

After only 7 months, I wouldn't expect his kids to know about you, let alone be introduced to them. So I agree that he's probably not as serious about you as perhaps you are about him. Sorry.

I would end it with him. If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back to you.

5 years and still living in the marital home?
No-one knows about you. Drops you just like that.
Ever thought that actually, he is still with his wife?

Of course he would spend time with his kids rather than with you. This is normal and the right thing for him to do.

Agree you’re not compatible. I also think that getting involved with someone who still lives in the same house as their ex is a really bad idea as it would likely be months or even years before the relationship can move into the realms of normality.

On another note however, are you sure that he and his ex have actually split? Because tbh it sounds to me as if his reducing his time away from home may have been because a wife has taken issue with the amount of time he spends away from his family.

But if you’re sure they’re genuinely split and you’re not just the OW, then you are unreasonable to expect that his DC would be aware of you within days of his having told them that he and their mum are splitting. And as an addition to that, if he and his ex are genuinely living separately then they are presumably sleeping in separate beds etc? In which case the kids would already know that something wasn’t right. If they had no idea then I’d suggest that he’s still sharing a bed with his ex which again is a really bad relationship to get into.

Sounds like my nicer ex. Maybe he is! It ended. It will always end.

Rightly so kids come first, but he's not ready to properly move on and tbh I don't think he's a bad guy for putting his kids before a woman it may/may not work out with

Sorry

I would end it with him. If it’s meant to be, he’ll come back to you.

Brilliant user!!

It's great that's he's prioritising his kids over you

I totally agree he should put his kids first, he lives with them and cares for them 60% of the time, has every other weekend, does the school runs, the swimming lessons etc im talking about the times it is his ex’s turn to have them and he’s due to see me, he jumps at the chance to do her a favour and have them even more than he already does. I mean surly the kids also benefit from having time alone with their mother too? He’s definitely not still with his ex as they have current divorce proceedings etc and the kids know they sleep in separate rooms , but they had not had a chat about the separation or the fact a divorce had been lodged. I think there’s a difference between putting your kids first and having responsibilities and what this situation is. Maybe you guys are right and we aren’t compatible. I would always put my kids first too but I do however enjoy having the odd slither of time without them!! and I don’t feel like that’s being a bad parent. I have my children 24/7 as their dad was abusive and we don’t have contact with him, so I don’t have much in the way of child free time. Maybe I’m seeing it from my point of view where a break would be greatly welcomed every now and then !

My nice ex did exactly this. He was from a culture where divorce is very devastating and felt huge guilt towards his children for the fact they were getting divorced. I know he's in a new relationship but I just can't see him ever not jumping re kids that I doubt it will last until the kids are actually grown up

I would just find someone who can put you at the priority you want to be. He's been clear he won't. That's not going to change...

I completely understand where you are coming from OP and it's not wrong at all you want to as your partner and have some adult time. It's all about balance I love my kids but I also love having me time. If you have already had this conversation with him and nothing has changed or been compromised then maybe you are better ending things and meeting someone new.

Tbh though OP there isn’t a right or wrong here. He’s not wrong for wanting to spend as much time with his DC as possible, especially if he’ll soon be moving out of the family home and time will be limited. But even if not, there are plenty of people who feel they don’t need or want child free time iyswim.

Equally it’s not wrong to enjoy some time away from the kids to pursue other things such as a new relationship. But unfortunately the two aren’t necessarily compatible. But he’s not wrong and neither are you.

The one thing I would say however is that if the DC are only just aware that their parents are splitting, you shouldn’t expect them to even know about you for another six months or so, with possible introductions maybe a year or so from now.

Again, some people do those things sooner and they’re not necessarily always wrong either, but equally depending on the ages of the children a lot of people wait a lot longer iyswim, and they still need ample time to get used to the idea that their parents are even splitting up, let alone be introduced to the concept of new partners and potential other children.

Have you seen the divorce papers?

My BIL faked a divorce. The OW thought he lived with her and worked away quite a bit. His job did involve travel to various sites as in hospitality. So he lied about working away.

OW genuinely thought everyone knew about her except his DC. But sadly whilst BILs marriage was going through a bad patch, he was actually still living with his wife and it was life as usual with his kids. Unfortunately it's easy to lie when you might want a magical new life to start again. But to spilt but it can be hard to actually do it and tell the kids.

This lasted over a year and he was caught out by a family member. He was out with OW who was by then pregnant and he was supposed to be at a family event but "had to work"

Whatever the circumstances if a guy you’ve been seeing for 7 months chooses to not see you for over 3 weeks then he probably not that into you.

Yep he’ll keep you hanging by not ending things as when he is at a loose end it’s nice to have you to see but do you really want to be the person he’s sees when he’s got nothing better to do ?

Hard to meet someone if you’re 24/7 responsible for your kids and nice to have someone to chat to text on a bad day but potentially this is stopping you from meeting someone you would make you one of their priorities.

Good luck

He sounds like a really nice caring Dad ( assuming he is no longer romantically involved with his wife ). He's probably not ready for a full on new relationship so if the arrangements don't suit you then leave him but don't try to inflict your views on him.