Toddlers behaviour - normal or a problem?

[brookshelley]

My 3 year old DDs behaviour lately is pushing me to my limit. I think she’s still angry about DC2 who is 10 months old, and has finally realized the baby is here to stay.

Examples of some of her recent actions when told no eg no biscuit before dinner, don’t climb on the bookshelves etc.

• threw her kiddie table and chairs at the wall
• purposely wee’d on the floor (been potty trained without accidents for 6 months prior to this)
• hit DH and me
• screamed until vomited
• shouted “I don’t want you mummy”
• pulled plastic drawers out and threw all contents to the ground

I feel like it’s not normal. DH doesn’t know what to think. DM says it’s a challenging age and helpfully suggested I spank her (which I won’t)

Does this sound like normal 3 (just turned) tantrums especially with a new sibling? Or should we be more concerned.

might help to read this. it sounds like she is upset about the new baby.

www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/sarah-ockwellsmith/why-children-misbehave-when-a-new-baby-arrives_b_10531422.html

Aww, yeah, it sounds normal to me but it's still not nice for anyone involved.

This is my go-to resource for tantrums:
themilitarywifeandmom.com/tame-temper-tantrum/

You should ask someone to babysit the baby for a day while you have a day with your eldest alone and see how she is without baby around... could just be jealousy towards the baby

I forgot to add - she is an absolute angel at nursery.

I do a lot with my toddler alone, actually I feel I am neglecting the baby because all my energy is dealing with toddler tantrums.

This all sounds very normal but very exhausting.

It sounds normal for her age and circumstances.
Must be knackering for you though!

Yes I’m exhausted!

OK so doesn’t seem like she has some deeper emotional issues? She just gets so angry, I didn’t know small children can exhibit such rage

You may have said the problem without realising it , in that you feel you spend most of your time dealing with D1.
She may have learnt that if she plays up she gets your undivided attention. Even though it's negative attention it's attention. This will have stemmed from D2 coming along.

Have you used time out. No longer than 3 mins at a time.

Ignoring bad behaviour but making a big fuss of ordinary behaviour.
As you spend so much time sorting out negative behaviour you may not just go to her when nothing is happening as that time is needed for baby or chores. This then evolves into her kicking off to get attention as it feels the only way. It all just spirals and happens very easily and quickly.

Say things like 'as you're playing so well I'll come and play for 10 minutes.' You May feel you don't have 10 mins but in the long run it'll help.

Ignore the small niggles , use time out or walk away and say bad behaviour doesn't get mummy time. Cause and effect - I act like this and this happens.

Be very clear on instructions. Teeth cleaning then story. Do a now and next scenario ,not so good followed by wouldn't mind doing that. Just firmly repeat until it's understood and accepted.

Your D will like the firm boundaries and feel comfortable in them. It's hard as you just can't give in or she will learn how far to push you. Pushing the boundaries is instinctive in a 3yr old but the result just causes them stress

I agree with loading up the positive praise. Sounds like she needs a lot of it at the moment.

It does get easier, promise

3 is a very difficult age often worse than 2. The angel at nursery is normal too.

She is testing boundaries. Give minimal attention to bad behaviour, lots of praise, anything she is doing even if it’s been stuff she does for ages. Praise using the potty. She can do it but make sure she still gets praise for that deliberately wee’s Change her with minimal attention . If she can undress herself get her to do it same with dressing.

Thanks all - will make some changes and see if it helps.

OK so here's an issue I'm having now:

3 year old wakes up in the night (was a very good sleeper until baby born) and screams bloody murder. She is fully capable of leaving her bed and coming into our room if she need something, so the screaming is unnecessary. I cannot ignore her because she will wake up the baby if I leave her. But then she gets the attention she is seeking. How do I break this cycle?

I would go in her room, no lights on or eye contact, and minimal interaction. So lie her down, "it's still bedtime DD", tuck her in, and leave. Repeat until she's quiet again.

Is your 10mo getting more mobile? For my DC, the jealousy of the new baby kicked in hard when the baby became more mobile and started really making their presence known.

Agree with a PP who said to walk away from tantrums. I completely ignore tantrums, I go busy myself in the next room/in the hallway or if we're out I step to one side, we can talk about it afterwards when they're calm but during the tantrum I don't provide any attention. Praise the positive, point it out when she's doing the things you want her to do "you are playing so nicely!". Don't put any pressure on her to be a big girl or tell her that she has to do something because she's a big girl, all of my DC needed that little bit of reassurance that they were still my baby too and seemed to act worse when I said they had to be a big boy/big girl, though they very quickly reverted back to calling themselves a big boy/big girl once they realised they were still my baby. Praise her alongside the baby too, if the baby so much as glances in her direction "look at Baby smiling at you because she loves you so much/because she thinks you're really funny/because you're such a good sister to her".

I think at 3 its really hard to tell whats normal.and whats not as the range of normal is pretty wide. What are you suggesting? Most children might be upset a bit by a sibling arriving but not traumatised, especially if allowed to be involved and loved.
Have you got help from the health visitor?
Do you have other concerns with her, such as eye contact, hand flapping/teeth grinding type thing. Does she respond to her name, does she have speech?

Three is a hard age.

I honestly found it harder with my youngest. He didn't talk as well as my eldest and I just think he couldn't find the right way of verbalising his emotions. Now he's talking again (he stopped for a while!) he seems much happier.

I really do think it helps to talk to them about their emotions when they're calm. I understand you're upset about this. Reassure them it's a normal emotion. But that lashing out and aggression isn't the way to deal with it.

I think at 3 its really hard to tell whats normal.and whats not as the range of normal is pretty wide. What are you suggesting? Most children might be upset a bit by a sibling arriving but not traumatised, especially if allowed to be involved and loved.
Have you got help from the health visitor?
Do you have other concerns with her, such as eye contact, hand flapping/teeth grinding type thing. Does she respond to her name, does she have speech?

I guess I should have been more clear - developmentally she's totally normal, in speech actually she's a bit advanced. GPs and HVs quite pleased with her, and she's an absolute delight when out of the house e.g. nursery, clinic visits, etc. Almost never has tantrums in public. She saves her worst primarily for me, less so for DH.

I'm more wondering if she might have anxiety? Is that even possible in such a young child? It just seems like her reactions to things are so extreme, I don't see other children acting like that. Of course I expect tears and tantrums because of the baby but DD can keep it up for a good 20-30 minutes.