DS2 13(!) Too Scared To Sleep Alone

[Pupsiecola]

He went to a bday sleepover a couple of months ago; 10 boys, parents present. We weren't keen on him going, just because we aren't massive fans of sleepovers, but he'd had some friendship issues preceding this, with a couple of boys we wanted him to move away from. So when he was invited for the bday celebrations with lovely pre-existing, group we said yes.

Turned out they watched scary films all night. Didn't sleep until 6am. One film in particular has left him traumatised; home invasions, entire families being slain in various hideous ways. All 15s but hes only 13 and wtaf were the parents thinking?! So not his thing and he said he tried to just not watch and look at You Tube on his phone. He's a sensitive soul, high EQ, would totally equate this film to that happening to his own family.

Anyway, at first he'd refuse to close his eyes in bed. For hours. Unbeknown to us. He was too scared to even get out of bed to come ask for help. After a few nights he was clearly sleep deprived. He had a total melt down to DH and me; sobbing, saying every time he closed his eyes he saw awful images from the film etc. Also made him think about death and dying and people he loves dying etc. We both reassured him that we would help him through this and that either DH, DS1 or I would sleep with him and we'd work through this together. So here we are. He's alseep in the marital bed and mostly DH is in his bed. It's becoming a problem. Not least because they're back at school, he's usually in bed by 9.30 but I don't want to go to bed then, and he can't sleep alone. But also we just need to sorting, for his sake. He'll stay awake until I come to bed, and then he the secuty he feels is palpable and he's alseep in seconds. Bless his heart.

But whag do I do? I can't just make him go back to his room. The issues are still there. I've thought about sitting in his doorway until he's asleep:and then moving further out each night. Never thought I'd be going through sleep issues at this age!! They've always been such good sleepers.

Any ideas? (Obviously we've told him no more sleepovers).

Hmm, that's a tough one. I have always suffered from similar issues from scary films, and an over active imagination, but I just shook under the duvet alone or read a book under there with a torch....

Could you help him with filling in his brain with alternative images? That's why I read and why I still do it now when I'm unhappy or angry - escapism, alternative and happier images.

Would it also help to talk through the film with you and his Dad? In a couple of ways - what's real, what's not, what's impossible and for films only, what's done on a green screen, how special effects are made, how you keep the house safe, what to do in an emergency (I slept with a knife under my pillow for years...!), how to escape in an emergency, how to ring 999 and what to tell them, what to grab in an emergency, the lot - equip him to confront his fears so he isn't afraid any more.

www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Scared-After-Watching-Scary-Movies - some more ideas here.

Thank you silver and I'm sorry you have experienced similar. Some good suggestions. He knows about movies as he does drama. It didn't help that around the same time a house was burgled, next door but one. Two men broke in at 2am whilst the residents were home, sleeping.

We've tried to talk to him about all this stuff and tried to out it into context.

We just couldn't leave him sobbing. He was distressed and distraught. Our own parents would have told us not to be silly, pull yourself together etc but we just couldn't do that.

I would encourage him to read or listen to audio stories in bed about 8.30. After a long bath. Maybe you could join him about 10pm if he’s still awake.

I like the idea of an audio book and I have an Audible account so that's worth a try. Thank you.

Can you put him in his own bed, stay with him til he’s asleep if you say it takes literally minutes?

I get it. I'm 37 and still can't watch:
Gremlins
Neverending Story
Labyrinth
any Freddy Kruger film
any horror / violent / generally tense film - so anything from Robocop to Alien to It.

And I worked on the murder investigation team for years when I was in the police. Real life I can handle. Imagination and films, not so much! I watch a lot of Disney 😂

Anyway, this isn't about me. It's about a boy who is afraid.

He needs to know he's safe at night. Start with helping him to rationally know he's safe in the house, but not to the point of adding more safety measures - you don't want him thinking you need to live in Fort Knox to be secure. He also needs to know you can all escape of if you need to - fire etc. Maybe have a walk around and think about that with him.

Add in that the film was almost certainly set in the USA, so any guns etc wouldn't be accessible in the UK.

Burglaries, including your neighbour's, are usually for theft of possessions only, rarely are they for any other reason. I'll look for some info on that.

Would he be ok with you sitting at his bed and holding his hand until he’s fallen asleep? Also check his room in case something looks strange/scary at night like curtains/poster/any sort of reflection. Would small night light help? Or some changes in his room?
He needs your support, it’s not silly at all. I’m in my 40s and can’t watch scary movies, never could.

Was going to say night light. I had really bad panic attacks in my late twenties and it helped a lot

It's not the same thing but I've struggled at night for years, it started in my late teens (now in my 20s) due to mental health problems. Initially I used to distract myself by watching something inoffensive on an iPod, usually QI or a documentary about science/nature. I now have a tv in the bedroom. I have the volume only just loud enough to discern what's being said so it's not loud enough to prevent sleep or wake anyone else. I turn all the picture settings down to the lowest possible brightness etc so I'm not kept awake by the light, but it's sort of reassuring to be able to see recognisable faces on the screen. Sometimes I turn the picture off completely and just have the sound.

It really helps me, lying in bed at night terrified to go to sleep is horrible for many reasons, not least because it's a very lonely feeling. It's 'company' in a sense, and a distraction. Maybe this would work? I really hope you find a solution that works for him soon, it must be so distressing for you all.

Could you work on some middle road between telling him to pull himself together and totally carrying it yourselves by going to bed with him at 9.30.

My dd has very high anxiety and has had close involvement with MH services. What really helped her was being taught that there are techniques she can use to control her thoughts (CBT) and to practise those on a regular basis.

Start by going through the practicalities, explain to him that the actual risks are very small but that many people suffer from obtrusive thoughts and that this is a problem that you can learn to control, just like you can learn to control your levels of fitness. Then show him a couple of techniques (should be easy enough to find online), something general for relaxation every evening (like breathing exercises) and some trick for diverting your mind.

(I tend to visualise myself walking down a road and then I get to a fork in the road which is sign-posted. One post leads to harmful thought and I say to myself quite distinctly -aloud or silently- No, I am not choosing that road, I am choosing the other road. And then I have a series of stories that I tell myself to take my attention off the bad thoughts).

Gradually start building up his independence. Tell him that you want him to stay in bed and work on his relaxation until 10 o'clock and then you'll come in. Then make it later. Then agree with him (and it's important that he agrees) that he will go to bed in his own bed but can come into yours if he wakes up after he's been to sleep.

Some heat suggestions here. Thank you all. We do have a soft nightight on the landing just outside his room and he sleeps his door open.

I think we've just now got to the point where we're all tired so we're doing what works. But we need to suck it up and deal with the issue. It's just like when they're babies and you do what you all need so that you can get some sleep.

*good suggestions. He's sleeping like a baby beside me. I didn't realise it was so late. Night night.

Third night of him going to sleep in his own room, by himself. This thread was the gentle nudge I needed. A little soft tough love and a little bribery (v-bucks on Saturday) did the trick.