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Original poster

If you are a single mum or a lesbian with a daughter, how do you deal with this?

51 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 14/09/2018 22:22

Genuine, real poster. I don't want graphic details.

DP has just raised the point that our 17-month-old DD is just starting to get interested in people's bodies. She has baths with us, obviously, but I can't think of any context in which she sees male bodies.

Erm ... what do we do, and when, and how? Is it an issue?

OP posts:
civicxx · 14/09/2018 23:26

Aware that isn't related to a penis but I should hope no man lounges around the house with his trunk out around children

BabySharkDoDoDoDoDo · 14/09/2018 23:27

I grew up with 4 sisters, mum and dad
Never saw my dad naked. Ever.

No boys in the family at all. First time I saw a penis was.losing my virginity at 16 Blush

I'm in a gay relationship now and I'm glad that my DD has brothers as she is much more chill with boys and bits.

I was terrified growing up so I do see your point but I don't think it's a real issue.

tabulahrasa · 14/09/2018 23:30

“She does seem to exist in an almost entirely female world!”

She’s only really little yet though, there’s playgroup and nursery and stuff still to come.

PlatypusPie · 14/09/2018 23:31

My DDs ( 20s) don’t have brothers and my DH didn’t wander around naked so, come to think of it, they didn’t have early years exposure to bodily differences. Neither did I - and I seem to remember my first reaction to the real thing ( not a text book illustration, which looked over complicated) was ‘ ooh, that’s interestingly different !’

Singlenotsingle · 14/09/2018 23:31

I might be wrong, but I think you can buy anatomically correct boy dolls. In the absence of baby brothers, maybe it might be worth looking into? Not that it's important...

Donthugmeimscared · 14/09/2018 23:32

I never saw any family member naked and I'm fine as are my children. I'm a single mum and they have never seen me with nothing on.

Haffdonga · 14/09/2018 23:37

The first willy I saw was Michael W's when he showed it to all the girls under the library table at infant school age 6. I remember wondering why he thought we'd be interested. It wasn't much to look at.

I'm sure your dd will discover things in her own way.

Thinkingallowed85 · 14/09/2018 23:41

I see your point OP.. mine have seen the opposite genitals from cousins and friends in the course of bath times/paddling pools etc as well as from parents. Maybe it’s normalising..but I had all of that and was still a bit Shock the first time I saw an erect penis, so I’m not sure it’s the be all and end all (so to speak Blush )

fantasmasgoria1 · 14/09/2018 23:50

I remember being off school I’ll and my dad had done a night shift. He came down mid afternoon for a cup of tea and he had a vest and underpants on. His balls were hanging out the side and I was in hysterics! My mum really told him off! It didn’t scar me or anything though!

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 15/09/2018 00:02

Yeah I didn't see me dad naked or anything and i turned out fine. I think I would have been freaked out seeing him.naked.

Please do not engineer for her to see a penis. That is weird and who ever suggested it is weird too.

KindergartenKop · 15/09/2018 09:48

My ds2 was surprised to find, age 2, that I didn't have a penis. He'd never noticed before and he saw his dad and brother more so had just assumed we all had a Willy!
I would just get her a book, it's not a big deal.

AdventuringThroughLife · 15/09/2018 09:54

Natural history museum has a wonderful section on the human body and how it works. We wandered in innocently and thought it a good moment to talk about the differences between the various naked bodies on the naked family..... my daughter just pointed out what lovely hair one od them had and wasnt at all phased!

MingaTurtle · 15/09/2018 10:17

I’d probably have wondered that in your circumstances as I saw my dad and brother naked when I was a kid and our DD’s see us naked too. I think I assumed that being naked around young DC is standard, but obviously it’s not.

I wonder if existing in an almost entirely female world does have any issues, but I assume she will gradually see more men as she gets older, so probably not.

starkid · 15/09/2018 16:54

At the paddling pool/beach in the summer she will likely see some boy bits from other toddlers/small children. If one of your friends has a baby boy and sees him getting his nappy changed/him bathed too. Opportunities will crop up!

Terrifiedandregretful · 15/09/2018 17:19

Dd (4) and her cousin (same age) have very earnest comparison conversations in the bath. Dd proudly told her cousin that because she was a girl she had baby eggs inside her. I really don’t think it’s neccesary to see male genitalia in the flesh though as others have said. My first sighting was of my dad wanking in the shower. Much better nothing than that...

ScattyCharly · 15/09/2018 18:54

I would try to get some realistic pictures on the Internet. That’s kind of hard because of pornography but surely there are educational pictures about of boys and men(?)

I’d start with pictures of boys similarly aged to her before she goes to school. Boys got their willies out when my dd was in reception!! Fortunately my dd has a brother and had seen it all before but it might have been a bit strange for her had she not seen it.

ScattyCharly · 15/09/2018 18:56

There are a lot of statues of naked men as well!

Livinglavidal0ca · 15/09/2018 18:57

A little boy at my sister's nursery always showed the kids his willy (all parents were talked to and apologised to, don't think anyone actually cared though) so maybe you'll have a confident little boy at Dds nursery.

Svanhildur · 15/09/2018 19:05

They look quite different when mature and, erm, ready for action anyway. And no child should be seeing that in any context.

I wouldn't give it another thought Smile

BertieBotts · 15/09/2018 19:05

I didn't know testicles existed until I did the more detailed sex ed in biology :) I was probably about 13.

Similarly we watched a video about sexual health in PSHE when I was about 15 and my friends took the piss out of me because apparently I looked really shocked when they showed the procedure of a man having an STD test - it was simply the first time I'd ever seen a picture of a real penis, and I was surprised at how it looked, specifically for some reason that the end was purplish.

There is a great series of books for children about bodies and sex which starts with "It's not the stork" and gets more detailed as they get older. They have anatomical illustrations in.

I do remember playing with boy friends at a time I must have been younger than six and being totally unconcerned about weeing in front of each other and asking them what it felt like to wee standing up/have a willy, so I think, TBH, she will come across it with other children.

It doesn't seem to have caused me any problems.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/09/2018 19:06

My DD has never seen my DH naked. The only penis she has ever seen is her baby brother's. I'm sure she'll cope 😂

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 15/09/2018 19:07

I used to see my dad in the bathroom when I was very little, (under 4, so don't really remember) and once saw my friend's baby brother in the bath, but had never had a good look at one until I started getting up to stuff with boys in my teens. When I first felt one, I understood exactly the description in The Bell Jar of "turkey neck and turkey gizzards." That still comes back to me at inopportune moments.

DD's dad is never seen without his pants, so unless DD saw one of the babies being changed at the childminder, she won't have ever seen one. We'll buy her books when she starts to ask questions and it will all be fine.

PaintBySticker · 15/09/2018 19:08

Yes the erect version is quite different from the flaccid version in any case so can still be a surprise!

ivykaty44 · 15/09/2018 19:10

Growing up I saw boys my own age naked, as back then at friends we were all turfed in the bath together. I never remember seeing a grown Male naked

IHaveBrilloHair · 15/09/2018 19:11

Gosh, I'd never even thought of this.
I'm single Mum to a 17yr old, always been single.
It didn't cause any problems and Dd has been with her boyfriend for 18 months.