Toddler screams when i pick up babies, and DC2 due in 3 weeks!

[nomorespaghetti]

Would love some advice on this. My toddler DD is 2.5 and a huge mummy's girl. She does love her dad, spends 1:1 time with him happily, and we spend the weekend together as a family, but it's always me she ultimately wants. She won't really play on her own, even when we're at play dates or soft play she wants me on the floor/with her playing too. She plays nicely with other kids and is really sociable, settled, and adaptable, but her attachment to me seems to be huge, especially if i compare her to the other 2.5 yos we know. I love her to bits but find it really draining sometimes. She's quite independent and confident, so i don't think she's socially anxious or anything, she just wants me with her!

For context, she's profoundly deaf with cochlear implants, and although her speech is catching up well i still often act as her "translator" for both sign and speech. I'm definitely the one who understands her best, although DH signs too. I'm a SAHP, she's at nursery 1.5 days a week. I've always spent a LOT of time playing with her 1:1 trying to help develop her speech or sign. She was breastfed to 2. The deaf stuff might be irrelevant, but it also might not be.

DC2 is due in three weeks, and I'm getting worried because DD goes absolutely crazy (crying, screaming etc) if i hold a baby, or even if another child sits on my knee. Today she started whimpering because her little friends foot touched mine! I can't hold another child's hand, and if any child gets too close to me then she's liable to start the dramatic tears. I know this is a phase a lot of toddlers go through, but this has been going on over a year now.

I've tried to tell her it's ok if I cuddle/pick up etc another child, and I've tried explaining that when the new baby comes i will pick it up a lot. But I'm pretty sure it's going to be a horrendous few weeks. She has a little doll that she loves playing with, and she's got no problem with babies in general, as long as they're not near me!

Anyone been through similar? Any tips? I'm worried it might send me over the edge in the early days of having a newborn!

Is it a baby doll? Can you get it some accessories like a cot and some onesies? Explain that she's going to be a big sister and how gentle and quiet you'll both have to be because that's important for babies.

I had my 2 daughters quite close together, so my eldest was a bit younger than 2.5 when her sister arrive. She didn't go to nursery or anything, so was used to my attention 100% of the time.

I tried to be very inclusive of her when our second arrived; I cuddled them together, let her hold the baby when she wanted (terrifying at first!), let her make decisions about the baby (what to dress her in etc) etc.

We read lots of books about babies and having a sibling too.

I actively tried to avoid saying things like 'no, we can't do that because I'm doing X with the baby'...so I ended up feeding and rolling Playdoh etc.

We did have a playpen for a while (to put the baby), and the baby did get parked in the bassinet on the dining table to keep her away from toddler fingers.

My Pedeatrican also suggested not buying a gift to the first born from the baby. "If your husband got a girlfriend and she bought you a lovely purse, would it make the situation better?" He had a point! Buy something after a few days, "What a great sister you've been, here's a teaset as a reward"

I think all you can do is go in with a positive attitude and see how it pans out. I'm sure your daughter's hearing problems must contribute to to her protectiveness over you.

Most of my friends have 2 or more kids, with varying age gaps, and nobody has had serious jealously issues...

Yes a baby doll @moredoll. She absolutely loves it, has a little buggy and some accessories. She'll feed it, change its nappy, read to it, rock it, etc etc.

Thanks for the tips @scotinoz, that's a really good point about the gift thing, usually that's the first thing that people suggest when i mention this! I think i probably need to read her more books on the subject. The only book we've got is the house inside my mummy one, which mainly focuses on pregnancy.

Can you get a baby doll and when your doing things with her - your holding the baby doll in the other arm? So she gets used to it?

Perhaps help her dress and bathe her baby doll so that she can 'help' you when the baby comes.

Get her involved. She can be your little helper. Make it clear that you and her are a team taking care of baby together.

Lots of praise and encouragment.

Try to make some time each day just the two of you and as baby gets bigger maybe do an activity just you and older DC every weekend.

It sounds almost as though you've "over explained" about the new baby, thus making her wary of other little ones

I'm a Big Sister by Joanna Cole is a nice, simple book we have used for our 2 year old. It talks about how a big sister can help with the baby, that they can do more things because they're more grown up than the baby, and that they are very special to mummy and daddy for being themselves.

www.amazon.com/Im-Big-Sister-Joanna-Cole/dp/0061900621?tag=mumsnetforum-21

She's been like this long before i was pregnant @Crunchymum, it's been about a year now that's it's been happening. We only started talking about the baby in my tummy a couple of months ago really. I think she'll be a really good little helper, as long as she's not crying every time i pick the baby up!

Thanks for the recommendation @TheresALight, I'll get that!

My toddler struggled with the idea DH could be both her daddy and daddy to someone else (her younger sister). for Context DH is the SAHP and they are both now more attached to him.

I didn't get this till we got a big tantrum one day when DH was bottle feeding DD2 - rather rare as she was mainly breastfed so it might have been the first time DD1 saw it.
We realised she had DH as "my dad" and me as "my baby sister's mum" in her head in a kind of exclusive sense. Fortunately for us explaining how we could both be parents to both DDs worked (once she'd come down from the toddler tantrum).
Perhaps that perspective/experience is helpful?

You may find she's fine when baby is actually here.

Dd2 (who hated the buggy from birth) turned to me when I was about 8 months pregnant and said with ominous emphasis "that baby is not going in my buggy".

I thought along the lines of oh heck, because there was no way I was buying a new one.
When ds arrived she never made a peep about it, and even wanted to push him in it.