Just sleep deprived or PND?

[Blissfulignorance]

I'm lost

My little one is 10 days old. He is my first baby. I had a traumatic birth, ending in forceps and episiotomy. Baby was absolutely fine.

I wanted to breastfeed so started that and seemed to get off to a good start with the latch.

Baby lost a lot of weight in the first few days but then my milk came in and he gained at a good rate.

Then I got mastitis. Horrendous pain but fed through it.

He doesn't like to settle at night after feeds, seems to have trapped wind but won't burp. Cries and keeps me awake all night. But he's fine in the day.

I've cried everyday since he was born. I hate feeling like I'm failing, I love him and I can't stand seeing him in pain but when he's screaming so hard and I can't calm him I feel like I could give him away. Just writing that makes me cry.

I waited a long time to have him and I'm so sad that I'm not loving every second.

I have a good support network but I'm not sure if this feeling will go away once my boobs have healed and my stitches don't hurt anymore. Or if I should go and seek help for possible PND?

If you've stayed to read this thank you

It sounds to me like standard 'baby blues'. I know I cried every day for the first two weeks then it started getting better. If it doesn't get better in a few weeks I would go and see your doctor. There is a lot of support out there.

I didn't want to read and run, it's probably baby blues. Chat to people in real life nearby for support, is your partner around ?

11 days you were walking around free as a bird and now you have a permanent attachment that needs way more than any human could ever grasp pre birth. You also have a sore Danny, sore boobs, have probably had about 6 seconds sleep in the last 11 days. What fool told you that you’re be feeling good?
Go easy on yourself, it’s painful, it’s bloody hard, the tiredness is torture. It’s very early days. Don’t let the tiredness build up too much. Call out for help to anyone you can and demand some help to get a bit of sleep. Xx

I hate the media for romanticising the first few days/weeks of motherhood. It's not reality. Don't be ashamed for not loving it at the moment, it's normal, you're normal, hang on in there! X

You're not failing. He's meant to be awake at night, feeding, dozing, cuddling up to his mummy. He's a tiny animal, safe in his cave with his mummy. I only understood this when I had my twins and had no choice but to co-sleep really. My first baby, I felt the same as you, except he cried all day as well.
There was one time I woke up and he wasn't crying. I couldn't bring myself to check on him, not because I feared the worst but because I was just too tired to care. I know that sounds awful and looking back I've wondered if it was PND; but really I think it was just sleep deprivation. I would really encourage you to have him in bed with you at night, but make sure you've understood how to do that safely. You can get 'sidecar' cots like the armsreach, or even just have the Moses basket next to you on the bed if you're worried about having him on the mattress.

Thank you for your replies

As you can tell from the time we are up feeding again. He's a little more settled sleeping in bed with me but I'm not sleeping for fear of something going wrong.

Must be some irony there.

The first 3 months are hell. Talk to someone. I had a negative birth experience and struggled afterwards. A 20min conversation with someone really helped me and I was able to come to peace with the massive change in my life.