Dreams/aspirations & planning for the future

[Quattro]

Various aspects of my life have led me to feel a bit down recently and I have been thinking about how I’d like to change things. It boils down to disliking my job and my industry and wanting to retrain entirely, feeling frustrated with the daily grind, commuting, wishing I could move house/town but feeling trapped. I'm sure that's fairly common. I veer between wanting to chuck it all in and join a commune, to thinking that perhaps I just need to see the GP and get a hobby.

The next five years need to be devoted to my son’s secondary education – I can’t (or won’t) move us to another part of the country, so therefore all my choices are currently limited to the local area.

So I began to think in terms of a five year plan – where can I get myself to so that in 5 years time, I will be in a good position to make the most of a possible blank canvas?

But when it comes to making this plan and thinking even further ahead, I hit a blank. I don’t have dreams or aspirations. If pushed, I’d probably say I’d like to do something creative, but realistically I know this isn’t going to pay the bills. I came from an upbringing which didn’t really favour having dreams and perhaps saw it as frivolous or getting above your station, so I think I’ve really internalised those messages.

So the purpose of my post is to ask what you think about not being able to dream or aspire? Do other people feel like this? Should I try to change my mindset? Do I need a lifecoach? Are there any multiple choice quizzes that will give me the magic answers? How can I find my passion?

Often aspirations seem to focus on finances, career and travel, but these aren’t really important to me (beyond the fact that work is where we spend most of our lives so it would be nice to be happy there). Family and friends also come up and of course I love my son and we have amazing times together, but I’m wary of him becoming the only focus in my life, because it wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.

It does seem that what is meaningful to me is somehow trying to make the world a better place, but I don’t have a focus. I’ve had a couple of attempts to volunteer but timing has proved difficult and nothing has worked out.

For background, I’m 43, I don’t have a partner, live with my son in a teeny tiny house in an expensive part of the UK. No other family. Do I just sound like a whingey, over-privileged, navel gazing, hand wringing tit?

Hi Quattro,

I've been mulling over your post since I first read it last night, and I'm sad that nobody else has responded yet. I'm not actually sure what to say or suggest, but I wanted to offer my sympathy for that fact that you were never encouraged as a child to have dreams and aspirations. That must make it so difficult for you to try and do so now.

However, it occurs to me that you do very clearly have dreams and aspirations for your son - it's obvious from how you write about the next five years being essential to his education, that you hope or expect him to do well academically and maybe go on to university. Does he have dreams and aspirations, and do you already encourage him to look at ways of making those a reality? I bet you do.

If you can provide him with that sort of nurture and encouragement, I reckon you can learn to extend that same support to yourself.

If your fairy godmother waved a magic wand tomorrow and all your bills were paid in perpetuity so you no longer had to work in a job you disliked, what would you do with your life instead? What work, or pastime, or activity do you think would make the hours fly by and leave you feeling that you'd made a difference to the world?

...Now, having established what would make you feel fulfilled - let's just pretend it's operating your very own sea-horse ranch - can you look into ways of getting started in that area of interest? Is there a hobby version of it you could take up which would give you the skills and experience needed to make a go of it as a full-time pursuit? Whereabouts in the country are the best opportunities for it - is the south-west crying out for experienced sea-horse wranglers?

Would you be able to take an out-of-season holiday to that area to get a feel for what it might be like to live there in the future? Once your son is grown and living independently, could you consider selling up and moving to that area?

I realise all this may require a ten-year plan rather than five-year one - or maybe two five-year plans back-to-back? If you're able to put the current five years into exploring options at the hobby level, why not promise yourself that once your son is at university you'll take the next step and break into it professionally, and that at the end of that second five-year period your goal is to be fully-established in your new occupation and making the world a better place for sea-horses. (Or whatever - for me it'd be cats! )

Hopefully you'll have a few more replies now, and something will strike a chord with you. I really just wanted to make the point that you do know how to aspire - you just need to practise aspiring for yourself. Good luck!

Hi FoulMouthedMotherFigure

Thank you for such a warm and thoughtful reply!

You're right, I do encourage my son in his aspirations and it's interesting to think about why I see things so differently for him compared to my own situation.

I'm going to give some thought to your prompt, what I would do if I magically didn't have to worry about bills. Just as I was reading your post and starting to consider the question, I was aware of my brain thinking of obstacles before I'd even begun and perhaps I need to work harder to silence that negative voice.

There is a lot of sense in what you say and it's given me plenty to think about. Thanks again