The road to chaos is paved with good intentions

[Steala]

I am a chaos-busting app addict. I really really have a problem. On my phone, I have no fewer than 16 (yes,sixteen): Google calendar, Do it now, Be focused, Awesome notes, Productive, Trello, HomeRoutines, Errands, ShopShop, Wunderlist, Pomodoro, Ufyh, Todoist, Bring, Prolifiko and Forest. I also have two bullet Journals, the Five second Journal, a wall planner and a calendar. I have MFP, a Fitbit and two running apps, natch. My books, Kindle and Audible account are crammed with self-help books to manage time, best procrastination, reach my goals, develop self-discipline etc. It would be my specialist subject on Mastermind.

So, why can't I get any of these to stick or put the many many words of wisdom into practice? Why do I flit magpie-style to the next shiny book or app that will change my life? Each app is full with abandoned resolutions and they make very sad reading. Years and years of regrets of not doing or being enough.

Is anyone else the same? Has anyone got their act together. Probably best not to suggest another app!! It's the mindset change I need.

Does anyone have any advice for moving past the planning stage and pushing myself to actually DO things?

Is this for ordinary everyday tasks, specific projects or what?
Are you exceptionally busy?
Is it just for you or the whole family.

Are you just spending all your time filling in tasks on apps and then not having time to do it?

I love a list - great satisfaction in crossing things off once done!

Perhaps a too personal question (sorry if it is) - have you been assessed for ADHD?
Because it sounds very familiar...

Thank you for your responses. I am busy (3 children and a PhD), but that's not really the issue. It's not so much lack of time as lack of impetus. However entertainingly I write my lists, I just don't want to clean the oven, book the optician or write a chapter. Anything I need to do produces a sinking feeling and sense of overwhelm, even tiny things like signing a school firm.

Funnily, I do think I may have ADHD. I have 8-10 books and audiobooks on the go at any time, every film I watch has to be under 90 minutes, my
Mind wanders all the time, I lose things all the time. DD has ASD and she was assessed for ADHD. It's pretty obvious at home: manic laughter, throwing food, running away, stepping in front of a car, running into people's rooms, waking them up at night, turning off the tv repeatedly when we're trying to watch it etc etc She didn't get a diagnosis because she doesn't display signs st school. My mum says I was nothing like that as a child, so I won't fit the diagnosis criteria. I do feel I'm close to it though.

Thank you for helpful my!

I only found out because I turned out children with ADHD and learned that girls often go undetected.
I profited largely from the social training my DC received.

Oh and one with ASD

I'm sure they are related in some way and I thnk DD has undetected ADHD. She is working out of chronological age in every subject and yet her verbal reasoning skills are 96th percentile. She says she can't concentrate and daydreams all day. That sort of behaviour goes unnoticed in a busy class of 30 so no diagnosis.

Are there any particular tips that have helped you and your DC? I'm glad you have had some useful support.

Oh yes - dd is way above average in some aspects but her working memory is - well, shit - and she's got ADHS induced diskalkulia (sp.).

I'm sure ADHD style advice would help both DD and me. I can't see it doing any harm. Are there any particular resources that are recommended?

I'll try and find the aids that helped us / DC, but I am in a different country and things are probably handled differently here.
DC got coached in how to work around their short time memory problems (ask DD a question and she won't remember the start of the sentence when you finish it - I won't, either. Oral exams were a nightmare and any sudden questions at work still are - so no career for me, just a job).
We also profited from getting as much information about ADHD and brain function as possible.
And - we were incredibly lucky with their schools - with teachers that went above and beyond for all children (in classes of up to 34 children)
DD (inattentive) was on medication during her coaching otherwise nothing would stick. She then stopped at around 12 and told us she could carry on without. She is now in her last year of schooling on her way to university.

Lovely to hear such a success story! And thank you so much for your support. I've learned not to ask DD "Take your book upstairs and get dressed" because the only thing she'll retain is the going upstairs bit. It has to be a step by step "pick up your book....".

I don't think I have the same issues myself. I can carry loads in my head. If I write it down, it stops nagging me, I forget to check the list/calendar and it doesn't get done. The problem with carrying it in my head is that it's utterly exhausting and far from fail-safe. I feel that whatever method I try, I'm in constant chaos.

The question to ask your self is 'What do you gain from your current behaviour?' Until you can answer that and find either another way that satisfies it or a new behaviour that's more compelling you'll carry on doing what you do.
It must give you something otherwise you wouldn't do it.

Having read your last post you current behaviour helps you feel in control.
You'd need an alarm or something to remind you to check your list, if that's what you really want, at least until you get into the habit of checking it.

You need nudging to change.

If you do like books - you might like nudge.

Technically your current behaviour fills your need and your replacement behaviour currently doesn't.

There’s a bunch of unglamorous stuff you need to get on with and you’re making lists and doing other stuff (I have no idea what bullet journals and all the rest are but I imagine they’re effective time wasters) as a displacement activity to make yourself feel like you’re doing stuff while not actually doing the stuff you need to do.

Is that it ? I’d say you need to drop all the apps, journaling and so on and just have one list and get on with it.

Perhaps that’s old fashioned and unsympathetic of me though, sorry.

Timetabled day, one list, reminders on, and a lot of effort to build habits.
When they were young:
It had to be: sit down (wait) take your book (wait) put it on the table (wait) open it (wait) turn to page 7 ...
We only noticed something was wrong, when I had an 8 year old that did'nt want to be there anylonger. Because she was trying so so hard and got nowhere. Teachers at that school had her down as a stupid, silly scatterbrain. We changed schools, got her diagnosed (not stupid at all!) and changed our way to parent.
It was hard especially when you have find out that you are like that, too.

Thank you, Prok, for the tips and Jenny and world for some home truths. Although I am sure I have ADHD traits, I know I wouldn't be diagnosed and doctors generally know what they're talking about. If it's not neurological, then it might be psychological, because it's certainly maladaptive.

world, I think you got it nearly right when you mentioned control. I think, perhaps, though, it is the opposite. I am not in control; I am in chaos. Perhaps I do this because I want someone to swoop in and rescue me from my pickle or just relieve me of unglamorous tasks. If that's true, it's rather an uncomfortable realisation because I like to see myself as a strong and independent woman and a team-player. It does need to change though and maybe I need to grow up and accept adult responsibility?

Deep.... Mumsnet is good!

Thank you!

Do you have a DH/DP to help out with mental loss? I am working hard at not carrying everything in my head too, but my DH needs me to manage him if anything is to happen and I find that so enraging that I prefer not to bother and do it myself!

You need 1 list (Bulket Journal), alarm on your phone to check it ruthlessly consistently every day (morning & evening?) and maybe timetabling yourself like you’re at school so that X time is work time (no distractions) and when that period is over it's Y time (domestic admin) and the back to work time and then cleaning etc.

That said, I’m currently procrastinating two open tasks on my computer so my advice is not necessarily the best...

mental loss = mental load

Mental load is a huge issue, actually. DH is very hands-on but always asks me to give him tasks to do or a list to plough through. It's not so much ringing the dentist as remembering that the check ups are due that is the problem. He'll then ring me constantly to remind him on timings, things to bring etc, despite me writing it down and telling him. My understanding is that it is not unusual for the woman to bear the mental load even in the most egalitarian of households.