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Original poster

Child being bullied - meeting with teacher today

24 replies

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 11:48

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice!

My son started primary 1 in August. On his first day, a primary 2 boy walked past him and pushed him into a pile of nettles and called him a loser. That pretty much sets the tone for how the boy has behaved since then. He bullies most kids; kicking, punching, pushing, biting etc but really seems to take lumps out of my son.

He has come home with bite marks on his arm, with a lump on his head from being pushed into a table etc. He's crying in the mornings as he doesn't want to go to school. But worst of all is that he has started lashing out. He's angry and frustrated and he's changing. I sent a bubbly, friendly boy to primary one and a few weeks later he is frustrated and irritable. He's even telling the leaders at all the club's we go to that "X bullies me everyday so I'm not taking it here if anyone annoys me". So he doesn't even want to mess around with other kids incase it get physical and he gets hurt.

I've already spoke to the head teacher and was told they would deal with it. But it's happening everyday and just getting worse, and it's affecting my son's attitude outside of school as well as in. I'm meeting her today.... So any ideas of how to tackle this?

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 12/09/2018 11:50

Be firm, tell them they have a duty of care for your son, find out what they have done to prevent harm to your son, take a list of items what has happened to them, and say if there isn't immediate action, you will advise governors. Ask for relevant policies - bullying, safeguarding?

Good luck, hope you get it sorted.

Original poster

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 11:57

We don't have governors. I'm in Scotland so I'd have to escalate to the local authority.

There way of deal with this seems really poor. If a kid is being really naughty they are sent to the "reflection room" which is basically a room full of toys so they get to play. Or they can go outside with support staff and play tig or football... It's like rewarding bad behaviour. They just want them out of the classroom so let them play. I don't see how that encourages them to behave better.

And sorry for the drip feed - I should have said this before! My kids go to after school club twice a week, ran by their old nursery. So the nursery staff collect them. The staff member was waiting at the office and saw my son walking down to meet her, this boy was in the corridor (been sent out of class) and he jumped on my son, knocked him to the ground and started punching him. My son pushed him off and that's when the class teacher came out and said to my son "that's not very nice". As if it was his fault! The nursery staff member ran up and explained what had actually happened, but even though the school know the history of this boy the teacher still tried to blame my kid. It's like they're saying that this boy has problem so all the other kids should just let him do it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 11:58

*their way

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 12/09/2018 11:59

Do you have any other school options?

Justabouthadituptohere · 12/09/2018 11:59

Honestly I would be diarising and speaking to the police! This is assault!

TheHauntedFishtank · 12/09/2018 12:02

They should have a bullying policy on their website, I would print it off, take it in and ask why they are not following it and why they are not keeping your son safe. If I didn’t get a satisfactory answer I would absolutely escalate to the local authority and remove your son until they sort it out.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 12/09/2018 12:02

Find out if the school has a buddy system/ mentoring etc, and make sure ds is supported to access these. They won’t be able to share details of interventions with the bully, but I’d ask for reassurance that he’s monitored etc. I’d also want to know what supervision there is at break times (assuming this is when it’s happening) and if this could be increased. It doesn’t sound like the school is managing this. I’d need to know what steps they’ve taken, and if this is indicative of a wider problem. In your situation I’d probably consider moving ds to a different school if I couldn’t be adequately reassured that the school were managing this proactively.

Original poster

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 12:03

If he was 10, I would be! But criminal responsibility won't kick in for another 4 years for this kid. And I just don't know what to ask for when I'm there.

In the first meeting, I tried to be understanding as it's a 6 year old and he's clearly got some behavioural issues... But it's now getting so physical and it's everyday.

OP posts:

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 12/09/2018 12:04

Ok, just saw your second post. Can you move him?

Original poster

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 12:09

@TheHauntedFishtank

I didn't even think about that! I will check the website and school handbook, and have a wee check on our council's page for anything on bullying and procedures. Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 12:11

@Howmanysleepstilchristmas

It's this school or the local Catholic school. The Catholic school is mostly full or Catholic pupils so he'd be in the minority there, but it is an option. There is a good private school in the next town over and I can just about afford it for both my boys so that would probably be the one i'd go for if we can't get this resolved.

OP posts:

tinytemper66 · 12/09/2018 12:11

Write all incidents down before you go in and provide them with a copy.

CramptonHodnet · 12/09/2018 12:15

OP, just be very careful the school doesn't try to twist this round and blame your son for the problems. We had a situation when DD was at primary in year 6 where a girl was targeting her and bullying her badly. She made some unpleasant accusations about DD which were all false. And yet the school did nothing about it, refusing to believe DD even when the girl's mother began targeting me outside the school. DD's teacher put all the blame on DD and it destroyed her, took her to edge of a breakdown.

In our very sad experience schools don't deal with bullying. It's easier for them to force the bullied child out

I really hope you have a much more positive experience than we did

Original poster

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 12:20

@CramptonHodnet

That's awful to hear. Your daughter should have been able to trust her teacher so it's just 100 times worse when she's being treated like that by a bully AND by the teacher.

I am concerned they may try that too, but I know this boy bullies a lot of other kids but I don't know the extent of it. However me knowing that will make it harder for the school to say that my kid is the problem.

OP posts:

BlueAnemone · 12/09/2018 12:26

I'm in Scotland, and a teacher who's a friend once advised me that if parents ever want schools to act, the parents must start a paper trail. So for example send an email before and after the meeting "at our next meeting I'd like to discuss these incidents..." "As agreed at our meeting today, I will.... And Mr Ab will... And Ms RF will..."

Basically anything that is documented is under scrutiny, anything undocumented can be ignored / misremembered.

I'm sorry to hear what your son's experiencing. I'd try to keep it factual e.g. My son has described the following incidents:
Dd/mm (detail of incident 1) etc
This is the impact on him (school refusal, physical injuries, sleep issues, whatever else)
State that you feel your son is unable to deal with these incidents himself and ask what help the school can provide - very specifically - your son needs to know who he can speak to, what he should do, etc
Arrange a followup meeting in a couple of weeks time
Ask how best to communicate in the meantime.

Best wishes, it's awful.

Cindersdonegood · 12/09/2018 12:27

I'm sorry. In my experience schools all have bullying policies but that goes straight out of the window if any of the following are involved:

A) The kid comes from a rough family who the teachers know won't give a shit
B) The kid is a family member of a teacher's family or the kid of a teacher's bestie.
C) The teachers would have to put actual effort into sorting the kid out when it's easier to just tell off the victim or tell the victim to "stay away from Xxx then".

We live in a small town and the bullying is horrendous in the local Primary School and High school. More often than not it's thanks to A and more infuriatingly, B that nothing actually happens about it. It's got to the point that many parents are telling their victim children to physically fight back and hit their tormentors HARD. It has worked so I'm considering it for my lot even though I hate the thought of my kids being violent.

Go speak to the head. Tell them that this shot stops now or you'll be telling your child to stand up for themselves whether the school approves or not.

(Also, giving the bully a bollocking when you see them attacking your child doesn't hurt... just keep your voice low and let them know you're watching them now.)

KateAdiesEarrings · 12/09/2018 12:53

Mention safeguarding and duty of care. You can't ask for information about how they are managing the other DC but you can ask how they propose to keep your DC safe. Ask about supervision levels in the playground and at change points (ie corridors, lunch hall, etc).
Be clear that adults have witnessed the behaviour (ie the person collecting for after-school) . Also point out that your DC attends clubs and has never had a problem so this is firmly a problem in school and they need to propose a solution.
When we had a bullying problem, the response from school included considering placing the other DC in a different playground; having a teacher or TA to lead games in the playground so they could effectively manage and include all DCs; ensuring the other DC wasn't placed beside our DC in lunch hall, at full school events/activities, etc.

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 12/09/2018 12:53

Can you contact the Catholic school and see if they have spaces? My (atheist) ds went to a denominational school, and it really didn’t come up in conversation, so I don’t think it’ll matter. There were children of all religions there. If nothing else, you can get him at the top of the waiting list just in case. My dc transferred to an oversubscribed school mid year when we moved and there was no problem getting a place as others had left/ not taken up offers.

Original poster

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 12:53

Thank you all. I've got a wee list of everything that's happened, and my questions ready for what they will do etc.

I've told that kid off once, on the second day as we were allowed in the playground for the first 2 days. He didn't seem to care. But after that, we are only allowed up to the gate and they have to walk round to their playground themselves. The primary 1/2 area is around the back of the building so I can't monitor in the mornings.

Heading out now to the meeting; hopefully it is productive!

OP posts:

Howmanysleepstilchristmas · 12/09/2018 12:55

Good luck!

Whistle73 · 12/09/2018 21:58

How did you get on OP?

Original poster

Spacezombies · 12/09/2018 22:05

I got the party line of "we can't discuss the child in question, nor can we discuss what steps are being taken but rest assured that we are aware of what is happening, the local council are aware of all incident and we are tackling it in line with the guidelines".

She did say that he is never unsupervised, but sometimes the teacher minding him can be distracted by another child and he then tends to take off. It does seem that when her he's done something, it's been because he's had an opportunity, even just for a few seconds, to get away. But they will continue working on it and insure he isn't near my child.

We also talked about how I can help my son vocalise that he feels frustrated and ways to deal with that so he doesn't hit back, or refuse to go to school, or just get worked up.

So... no real progress other than "we are aware and dealing with it". I did confirm with them that a lot of the time, my son doesn't actually tell the teacher. He will tell me at home, but I checked with her and he hasn't always informed an adult in the school so that's the first step really. Making sure he tells them every time, instead of waiting to come home and tell me.

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 13/09/2018 10:06

One other thing you may want to ask the school is how can they ensure they keep your son safe? His safety is as important as the issues that any other child may have.

Troels · 13/09/2018 10:47

Put your lad in some matial arts class, learn to defend himself seeing the school won't do it.
I'm of the mind that you don't start and fight and you don't hit first. But once a bully throws a punch, my kids were told to make their punch count, I'd back them up and they would not be in trouble with us for doing it.
What about talking to some of the other parents he bullies? Can you get together and put pressure on the school to do more? Keep notes on your calendar, take photos with dates of injuries and don't back down at all ever.

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