How can I build my resilience?

[SalveGrumio]

Some people seem so resilient to stress, upset and change. I feel like I'm crumbling again. Don't want to bore you, but I have mental illness (well managed), I have ongoing issues at work (bullying, toxic workplace), my dd (6) is awaiting assessment for ASD (she has violent outbursts and school refuser/phobia.)

I recently went for an internal job and didn't get it, and getting dd to school everyday is such a battle. I got to work this morning and just sobbed in the toilets. I feel broken by it all.

I'm just not very resilient at coping with these sorts of things, and just end up sobbing on my car. Any ideas on if and how I can build resilience to cope with all this better?

I think the first thing is to say is appearances can be deceiving.

I am always told by friends and colleagues that they don't understand how I do all and am so confident. Guess what I'm not - I'm constantly shitting myself that I'm a tiny step from disaster. I'm disabled with a life long illness, I (try to) run my own company (currently with difficult clients & extremely stressful problems), have a mum with dementia who I share care for with my brother (who I don't get on with) and and have my own family (including a poorly toddler) to contend with.

Last week when I finally reached out and admitted I couldn't cope, I was met with an astonished reaction as nobody had an inkling. I however, couldn't sleep or eat, felt continuously nauseous, was full of self doubt and anxiety that I could be doing more or had missed something, was prone to tears on my own and frankly felt like I was drowning. I still feel that way but feel a bit better for sharing some of that with other people.

Frankly you've got a lot on your plate and it's normal to find it overwhelming. I don't know how to make it less so but talking to somebody in real life even if it's only about part of it really helped me this week.

Thanks. I do run, which helps. It tends to come in waves where all of a sudden I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm doing all the practical stuff I can to help. I'll keep plodding.

I’m not sure why I cope so well, I’ve always been very sure if myself but I had a lovely childhood and still very supportive family. Having said that my sister gets overwhelmed where I don’t so maybe it’s personality. I’ve always lived change, I find it exciting. When I do get stressed or overwhelmed it only lasts moments and then I get a handle on it and am fine. I always stop and think ‘this is too much, what do I need to fix it’ and then make a plan.

I have always found the best way to deal with anything is head on. You cannot stop yourself worrying but tackling something straightaway stops it lingering. My 17yr old DS has ASD and at 6 hated school cried every day soiled himself sometimes it was so so so hard. But we tried different techniques to settle him some worked some didnt we had good days and bad days good weeks and bad weeks but 1 week turned into another and here we are all these years later. He has now finished school with all his GCSEs albeit it G gradrs but still. We have both learnt resilience through sheer determination and just not giving up. My one piece of advice it to talk to freinds family or join a support group hearing others experience the same helps.

Can you look for a new job?
* ongoing issues at work (bullying, toxic workplace),*
If you have had a lot of absences from work, or generally can't keep up, then your colleagues may resent this. They'll resent covering your workload. Not sure if this is your situation. It could be time to move on from here.

You sound very resilient already if you have all that going on & still get your duties, parenting, getting to work & getting work done. Give yourself credit. There's a lot on your plate & most people would be affected.

It sounds more like exhaustion than frustration (having unrealistic beliefs about what your life should be like). If can't change how you spend time then maybe can change how much emotionally invest in things happening in your life. This wouldn't be selfish to be more detached, more like endurance & self-preservation.

Can you find a new job? Because yours is grinding you down and will take a toll on your mental health.

There are things you can do regarding self care - having worklife balance, assertiveness, checking you aren't actually depressed, doing something like moodgym online, headspace app.

However the best possible tip is to check you aren't surrounded by arseholes. Because if you are, just make steps to move. All the resilience training in the world will not change them.

DianaT1969 I have had some time off, nearly a year ago, but my colleagues don't resent me. I am not the only one who has been bullied. There is nearly always at least one person off with work related stress/anxiety etc.

I am actively looking for jobs, my self-esteem is rock bottom so finding the application and interview process difficult. I struggle with time as well, by the time I get home from work, get dd to bed (she also don't sleep well either) it's almost my bed time, so I'm struggling to apply for jobs.

Money is another worry. I am part time, as a result of the work issue. We can't really afford it. I need to find a job that pays similar amounts of money otherwise we really will be in financial crisis. This isn't a case of cutting back on things, this is not being able to cover the basics.

I'm trying to change what I can. Feels like I'm constantly fighting- dd's school, camhs, work etc.

Oh god. Today I got a nasty email from someone I bought off ebay. Long story, I did nothing wrong. But she accused me of being untrustworthy, a scammer etc.

I burst into tears at work, at my desk.