How do you actually keep your parenting cool? Genuine question?!!

[OlderAndMaybeWiser]

I am a single parent. My daughter is 9 years old. I work full time so she is at school pretty much 8am-6pm.
I have zero help. My parents will do an odd bit of baby sitting here and there but they both work 50 hour weeks so I'm grateful for any time they can give me but it's not a lot.
My daughters dad has her every other weekend but that is the extent of his involvement. No support financially or emotionally, oh actually- last weekend he took her to buy a new pencil case and pens to start back at school with. That is about the most input in 9 years.
I pay everything, organise everything- extra curricular activities/school clubs/parents evenings/doctors appointments- everything.

My daughter is starting to get a bit tweenage attitude- which I know is normal but it is so frustrating.
She also seems to have zero concept of time. She does not grasp that in order to have free time XYZ need to be done first. Things like bath, packing school bags, homework etc.

I really think she should be able at 9 to be able to get her self in and out of the bath and pack her school bag for the next day. Yet she doesn't, she dawdles/answers back meanwhile I'm looking at the clock realising we don't have long till bed time and her messing around is just eating into any free/quality time we have.

I end up loosing the plot and shouting- after lots and lots of encouraging etc. She cries and says she's sorry, I end up lecturing her on how I need her to step up and do simple things for herself.

She is desperate for a pet- but I literally do not have the headspace for anything else in my life. I've told her that if she took on a few small responsibilities I would think about it.

All advice welcome- sorry it's so long. Needed to rant. I hate arguing with her

I think you learn the hard way that it absolutely never makes things better if you getting angry at them. Sometimes it seems like it helps... but it never truly makes things better.

I detach better if I set my expectations low. The situation you describe, I imagine sitting outside the bath (with my phone maybe) & saying "I am not leaving & I am not going to have a conversation with you until you've sorted yourself for bed & sorted your school bag out. I need to know those things are done."

Then reward her with cuddles & chat after the work parts are done. It's just a habit she needs to form, many of us struggle to have good habits.

I still sometimes turn the lights off & refuse to let the lights go back on until they commit to get something done (get dressed, pack bag, etc.)

it may be worth sitting down and talking it through with her. you could make her something like this: (see picture) and she has to move the pegs when she has finished the activity. that way, you know that she has done it, and instead of screaming at her, you can just tell her to make sure 'all her pegs are on the right side.' and it also means you can easily check. it would also work for a pet (maybe a hamster or something?) as you could say, if you move all your pegs to the right side of the chart by 7:00 every night for 4 weeks, i will consider a pet for you. it will give her something to work towards, and overall just causes less stress for you (can easily check what has been done) and for her (less yelling)

Thanks- I have tried lists etc. They work for a bit but not long term. If I disengage (normally the first tactic) she just keeps on and on and on and on and on and on about why she can't do it, why I should do it etc etc. Then I end up shouting.

I know it's bad and I honestly feel awful. It's just so hard

Bribery is my friend

It’s amazing how the chance of playing Fortnite can ds up and make him work harder in his homework

He plays far more than I think he should I struggle otherwise

Sorry not much help

DD said it helped if I made a list for her of stuff to do (list went on her bedroom wall), so she could check the list to get everything done & know she had got it all done. Pegs sounds a bit complicated, but fair enough if you're both creative.

I have tried the list things. They just don't work long time.

Today it was getting out the bath. I've run it, told her jump in, wash your hair and then dinner will be ready. I've then proceeded to call her for 15 mins to get out. Whilst trying to put a load of washing on, cook dinner, pack bags for tomorrow. And In the end I've ended up shouting. I promised we could make chocolate lollipops so said we won't be able to do that and now she's cried all evening I stated saying we can do one small "nice" thing a night for quality time but she ends up loosing that as we run out of time.
Which makes evenings even worse

No solutions I’m afraid but I have a similar issue with mine who’s 7. Faffs about so much there’s no time to do the things I promised we would do. Which upsets us both!

My 10 year old ds was the same. I had to learn to let go and stop over parenting.

I explained to him in a funny way that we were repeating the same battles and it was disrupting our home. After a word with the teacher regarding homework he knew what day it has to be in but was acting daft for an easy life and that he knows how to wash and how often and that I was no longer going to be responsible and he would have to accept the consequences of his actions.

So no bath = either no tv/wifi/playing out and be smelly!

No homework/schoolbag = consequences at school.

I think the main thing I changed was I stopped viewing it as a battle with never-ending discussions and simplified it to my way or the highway and letting him have to face the consequences, he would come home and blame me to start and I would say well you knew it was homework day and chose not to do it. I also explained I keep my end of the deal so for instance I may not like food shopping but no shopping = no food, no tidying up = dirty house etc.

I need all these tips, both DDs have trouble listening the first time and then spend huge amount of time crying/screaming because we've run out of time.

I think you did the right thing today there was a consequence to her action that she didn't like. When she has calmed have a chat with her to talk through and enable to understand that her action led to not having time to do the lollies and ask what she could have done differently and you tell her how you would of reacted differently too.

This sounds so stressful for you both can you not scrap the idea of ‘quality time’ and just make normal stuff more fun/relaxed? Sit on the closed loo while she is in the bath and have a face pack or paint toenails/let her help cooking the dinner with some music on etc

Actually the cooking dinner together with music on is something we have done before which works really well. I could pick that up again.

I'm just sick of the struggles to be honest. For the first time ever I'm actually jealous of parents that are able to stay at home or work part time, or even have someone to help out. Haven't ever really felt like that

She is probably tired after the long day at school and it would be better to make the evening more relaxed and at a slower pace. So have the bath after dinner and be more flexible about how long she can stay in. As pp said your quality time could just be chatting while she does things. I once read a saying 'kids want quantity time, not quality time" just having you around in a fairly cheerful mood, doing the normal evening routine is better for her than an activity you dont really have time and energy for. You can save those things for weekends or holidays. Or maybe a random evening when you ditch the routine and go eat out or get a takeaway and watch a film on TV.

I’d second the idea of not making plans. Use your time cooking, sorting out what needs to be done, bath time (though in all honesty I’d get her used to taking a shower instead) and just take more time doing the things you have to get done. Don’t make extra plans and it will reduce the clock watching. The extras can be done at the weekend.

Don't really see why spending a long time in the bath is a problem?

You can use that time to get on with jobs or sit down with mag and cuppa.

Evenings are always harder because everyone is tired from the day. Time to unwind and relax really.

Would she shower instead of bath? That really helped my dwardler.
Also i gave up on the idea of getting him to pull his weight. He was dreamy and overwhelmed.
As soon as he got to senior school he started packing his bag, checking his timetable, getting oraganosed and just feeling time passing, so getting on with things. I think the bit of his brain that could do stuff like that just wasn’t developed before.

@Rednaxela it's problem because it's we don't get home from school until 6.30- I like her to be in bed by 8.30, lights off at 9 which is late enough for a nine year old who's alarm goes off at 6.30am. There simply isn't the time to chill in the bath for 45mins. Especially when we still need to eat dinner check homework etc. I do use the time she's in the bath to do stuff but I'm just conscious of getting everything done so we all have enough sleep to start over again the next day. We basically have 2 hours to do this in

If it's only a 2hour window then even more vital to chill out.

Homework - how long does it take? 15 mins?

Dinner - how long does it take? 15 mins? Are you attempting to cook a full meal, or beans on toast, or a bowl of cereal?

Suggest switching the order of activities.

Dinner
Homework
Bath
Story/cuddle
Bed

That way the important stuff is done first. Bath and snuggles can expand to fill whatever time is left.

Thanks. Dinner is only about 15 mins. They are full meals but I prep everything at weekends.

Right- I am going to try and do things the other way round and relax a bit. I think this thread has highlighted that potentially I am micro managing too much.

My kids do homework while I tidy up the kitchen. I hate cleaning the kitchen and they hate homework so that feels like a fair deal all round.

I think it's more about keeping calm in your head and not reacting. I don't know how you do that though, sorry!

@OlderAndMaybeWiser how's it going?

Try ahaparenting.com - it's one of the few parenting resources I've come across that gives tips on understanding and managing your own reactions as well as suggestions on managing behaviour and strengthening your relationship with your child.

@Rednaxela

Not too bad. Def better than the night I posted! Think it was one of those days.
It just seems that all the "busy" things happen on the same night. I've had a weekend full of prepping food and doing house work so there is a real minimal amount to do in the evenings.

@UnaOfStormhold thanks. I'll check it out