An unavoidable part of my job triggers my anxiety. What can I do about it?

[losenotloose]

I'm a teaching assistant in a primary school. I find behaviour management really difficult. I'm only in year 2 but there's some pretty defiant behaviour and I just don't cope well with it. And I think the children can sense my lack of control which makes them worse. We do have sanctions/rewards etc but what do you do when a child doesn't just respond to these and refuses to listen or follow instructions? I just end up freezing and going bright red.

I've gone down to three days a week and the stress/anxiety brought on by this is one of the reasons. Some people might just think well it's obviously not the job for me but firstly it fits in with my dc and secondly this lack of self belief actually affects other areas of my life and I'm sick of it. Why can't I believe in myself?

I'd really appreciate experiences or advice as I've come home today feeling utterly deflated and like a complete fool.

Bump

Could you get some cbt to help you overcome this anxiety. Or is it a training need? If you had some concrete strategies up your sleeve might that give you more confidence?

Send them back to class or refer them to their class teacher. I know it might seem like you're wimping out or admitting you can't cope, but their teacher needs to know about behaviour issues.

Have you researched behavioural management strategies? Following school policy on sanctions/rewards is one thing, but having your own tools with how to respond and deal with behavioural issues can help you feel more in control.

Also, speak to the teacher(s) you work with for their advice and support. It would be really beneficial if you are able to (appreciate time may be difficult) also observe other TA's and teachers and how they deal with challenging behaviour.

Phil Beadle has a great book about 'how to teach,' with a useful section on managing behaviour. I would recommend that.

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Teach-Phil-Beadles/dp/1845903935?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I've had CBT and haven't found it helpful tbh. I wouldn't say it's a training need although it might help if I had more strategies. I've been a ta for 4 years, I feel I should have improved by now.

Just to give a clear picture, I was only 'in charge' for 15 minutes. The teacher was in the room with me and had asked me to read a story to the children. This is the first afternoon I've been with this class so don't know them well. Anyway, I started reading the story when a few children, two with know behaviour problems, starting turning around on the carpet to chat to each other/mess about. Long story short, these particular children don't respond to warnings and will refuse to go to time out when asked. What do I do next?? I feel embarrassed that I can't manage them without it escalating!

That's the thing though, teacher, TA, SMT, we all need CPD throughout our careers. There are always new strategies to learn, new ways of doing things, new ways to improve. Don't let it become a mental block for you, even if it's one new thing you try. If it fails, reflect on why, modify and try again.

I have similar issues. I found it easier to work with younger children. Maybe you could find another job in the school you would prefer, and train for that position.

TA here Sorry to hear you are struggling. Firstly do you have a supportive line manager? You say it's not a training need but if it's an area you don't feel strong in after 4 years in the job then you could certainly do with some non judgmental support and advice. I do think some children test you to find out where the boundaries are and whether you stick to them consistently. You need to be 100% consistent and follow the strategies used by the class teacher. If a child refuses to do as they're asked you need to give a warning then follow through. If the class has a visual behaviour system you should feel confident to use it. And of course always always praise good behaviour.
Sorry if I'm stating what you already know but this is what has worked for me. Basically I am very stubborn and have more determination than the children to get my way

ToBe I'll buy that book. I've observed other tas loads as there's sometimes two in a class and I'd say the overriding difference is self belief! They don't seem to do anything much different to me other than having a don't mess with me attitude.

Yes I would agree with that. Even if you don't feel it on the inside. Fake it til you make it!
With the really stubborn ones I often give 2 options. You can either do x (preferred option) or do y (carry on with undesirable behaviour with specific consequences) Its your choice. One is a good choice and one is a bad choice. It's bloody hard sometimes OP so don't feel bad about reaching out for help.

The management are ok. They've let me have time off when I was having CBT which they knew was related to confidence/anxiety. My problem is the kids that don't comply after repeated warnings. What do I do when they refuse to go to timeout? I end up feeling a total loss of control and what makes it worse is I go bright red when this happens.

The school is full of really bolshy, confident adults who unfortunately are not particularly empathetic to weaklings like me so I don't want to expose myself at work.

I don't think your anxiety is the issue here. I think that if you were able to learn some really good behaviour strategies, then you would be more confident and effective with your behaviour control. Kids can smell fear! 😉

Have a look at things like Team Teach...it's mostly about deescalation.

Try and build a relationship with the trouble ones...give them lots of praise when they do things well. Get them to like you. It counts for a lot when you're asking them to do something for you.

Look at techniques like distraction, like getting them to help you with the story so that they're engaged.
Don't back them in to a corner because it becomes about you versus them...give them a way out so that they don't lose face, but you still remain in control.

I think that it is entirely reasonable to ask your boss for some training. I'm sure it would really benefit you.

In terms of other areas of your life, only you can change things. No shame in asking for help to do that.
Read some books, get some CBT etc. I found mindfulness incredibly helpful for my anxiety...it's better than it's been in years.

Good luck. We all have shitty days. New start tomorrow.

Another TA here First off, give yourself credit. Back in the day, TAs were general 'helpers'. Over the many years, and certainly recently, our responsibilities have rocketed. I'm often left holding the fort for 2-3 hours. It's a very demanding and often draining job.

I always separate challenging children when it comes to quiet time/story time etc. Do that to begin with before trouble arises.

Stand firm and stand your ground. Raise your voice if needs be to keep them in order. I find a short, sharp raised voice is enough.

Praise good behaviour and make an example of it, for example "oooh look at Mary sitting quietly! Well done you! Let me get you a sticker" etc (age appropriate obvs).

I'm also struggle with terrible anxiety. It's tough

Funny, I literally just said to dh children can smell fear, it's true! All good advice, I just need to remember it when I go into a panic. Another big problem for me is I am very self conscious so when other adults are around I don't trust my own judgement, worry what they are thinking etc. Argh, I'm a mess!

Don't panic...pretend! Fake it til you make it. It's all about appearances. If you appear you are in control, and the kids listen to you, you will feel in control.

Honestly.

Read up and just pick one or two strategies and use them consistently. Get good at them.

Practice in your head. Think of scenarios and then think how you could react...

You can do this. X

Thank you,Chimchar. I actually thought people might tell me to get a grip.

I just did a mega quick search..this looks quite nice. A few good tips there.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/joepublic/2010/feb/09/pupil-behaviour-management-tips

Would you consider EFT for anxiety(tapping)
www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping

Lots of videos on you tube to work along with.

Think about how you present yourself. Do you appear confident? Shoulders back, chin up & clear voice. Speak as if you’re fully expecting them to comply & the idea of them not hasn’t even crossed your mind Definitely ‘fake it ‘til you make it’! Avoid battles (even if you ‘win’ are never good). Try phrasing it as, ‘Next time I look, I want to see you doing xys’ then follow up with praise. Good luck