How would you approach this parent? (So angry!!)

[opalescent]

At swimming lessons yesterday another child very deliberately pushed my son's head under the water. Twice. They were not messing around- at the time they were all lined up along the pool edge listening to the teacher. DS is only 5 ☹️.
I was watching in the viewing area and was really frightened- I was banging on the glass to try and get his attention. The boy noticed me, grinned, and then stuck his tongue out to me!!🤬

I raced around to the poolside, but by the time I got there, they were engaged in another activity, so I waited until after the lesson to address it. The actual teacher was useless- hadn't seen it, wasn't interested.

I spoke to the duty manager of the sports centre who was lovely, took it very seriously, and promised to follow up with the teacher.

I couldn't find the mum or the boy after lessons, as it's absolute chaos at changeover times, and I don't know what she looks like, but am determined to speak to her next week and tell her exactly what happened. How should I approach it with her to keep things calm and positive?

I would not approach the parent under ANY circumstances.

It's not advisable.

I would make sure the teacher followed up with me though as I would want assurances that the child would be watched carefully AND assurances that my child would be safe in future.

Was the other child only 5 too? I am not sure there is any point in speaking to the parent, they can't do anything from the other side of the glass. This is something the teacher should have spotted and dealt with, and I think you were right to raise it with the manager. Personally I would leave it there, unless there are further problems.

The other child looked slightly older- 6/7 maybe?
I'm surprised that you don't think I should speak to the mum? As I mum I would definitely want to know if my child had done something like that?

I suppose my concern is that unless the mom knows, she can't actually explain to her son how dangerous it is?

It's accepted wisdom not to approach other parents OP. Not at school and not in clubs.

It's the business of whoever is in charge of the class. If people approached the other parent every time their child got a bit of bother at school, then there'd be all out wars in the playground.

I appreciate this isn't at school but since you're paying for these lessons, that's all the more reason to approach the teacher and ask for assurances.

Its not really a parent issue; its a teacher issue. If the teacher cannot properly supervise them, something needs to be done to address it. I would speak to the teacher prior to the lesson and mention that you are concerned that it will happen again and ask for their suggestions about how to manage the issue. Hopefully they will suggest separating them, or such like. I would also let the teacher know that you will be keeping an eye on the situation from the viewing area, so they feel obliged to keep a close eye. Nobody will want a parent coming down to intervene, presumably.

The teacher may tell the Mother. They may not...but it's not for you manage the education of other children.

The teacher must do the explaining to the child.

Okay that makes sense...I wasn't aware of the general thinking on this!

I will follow up with the teacher and keep a very close eye! Thank you

You’re assuming that all parents are decent parents like you, who want to know if their kid misbehaves so they can correct him. Sadly the wicked kids tend to have parents who don’t give a shit, and will deny that their kid did anything wrong or even attack you for daring to suggest their child is anything other than an angel. I wouldn’t expect any response from devil child’s mother other than “fuck off”.

Agree, do not approach the mother. The swim teacher is in charge of the class and is responsible for managing behaviour in that lesson.

The children were under the care of the swimming teacher and like you, the mother couldn't respond to it at the time. Even if she is a pleasant, approachable person, talking to her and passing it on to her child over a week later would be of limited impact. Then there's the risk that she may not be helpful...

It will be more effective coming from the swim school within the context of pool safety.

Yea, don't approach the parent. They will never admit to you that their darling is naughty at times. They will paint their child as an angel and how dare you say otherwise. Depending on the parent this may also include shouting, swearing and threats of violence.

The teacher though, that is a different issue. They should be aware at all times of what is going on in the water. If they are incapable of managing the group, they either need to reduce numbers or get an assistant to help them. This time they had a lucky escape as a member of the public was watching. Next time there might not be anyone around.

I just wanted to comment on here as I myself today have been on the receiving end of an angry confrontation at the school gates by another parent who I never met and didn't know who her child was. Once she stopped screaming at me n told me what the issue was I am more than happy to address the problem and resolve it. I just think it's the way u approach the mum what counts as she prob doesn't know what's gone on. I was left In tears today by some person giving me crap because the teachers ain't Doing their job properally n I got all the shit for it leaving me feeling like a shitty parent and anxious. So if u do confront her treat it as she prob doesn't know and will sort it out now she is aware. And if the problem continues then that's when u get angry and confront the mother n the teacher. Sometimes the mum has no idea there is something wrong yano it's up to the teacher to safe guard the children when they are in their care xx

Btw I'm not saying it's ok for one child to hurt another or put another child in danger I don't agree with that at all I'm just saying I'm sure if she knew she would tell him it's dangerous n to stop from my own experience xx

I think it’s best to tell the teacher, she in that moment is in charge of the kids and needs to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
A few months back a boy from my sons class deliberately jumped on him and caused my son to have a Harry Potter scar. Several of my sons friends told me what happened so I called the school because the boy shouldn’t have even been in the same group as my DS. They were split up for the next class and the swimming teacher got in trouble because she wasn’t suppose to keep them together. I didn’t go to boys mother as she thinks the sun shines out of his ass and he can do no wrong.

Coldshoulders I'm sorry you had that experience 😖 I would never go up to another parent in a confrontational way, I would always hope/assume that they would want to know about their child's behaviour and have a reasonable chat.

I won't be approaching this mum at all though, the responses on this thread have made a lot of sense.

I would let the teacher know and then I'd stay close to the pool and watch them like a hawk.

On another point. Should it matter if the teacher saw it or not? The fact is you saw it and reported it. I’d give the teacher the benefit of the doubt on this occasion but maybe the teacher is using the get out clause Oh I didn’t see it because they don’t want the aggro of dealing with it. Will they NOT SEE IT if it happens again. Good that the manager was more helpful.

Cat I think the fact that the teacher didn;t see it, indicates they need more supervision. One teacher may not be enough.

Why didn;t they see it is the question which should be asked...

Glad you have decided not to approach the other parent.

I always think there's not enough supervision at group swim lessons. Only a few kids seem to listen, the rest are usually messing around. When my eldest did them, there were a couple of kids who were really badly behaved and the two instructors spent most of their time dealing with them or dealing with the poor kids theses boys had made cry. In the end we put our son in 1 to 1 lessons, more expensive but he went from non swimmer to swimming in a few lessons. I didn't even bother to put my daughter in large group lessons. She now has 3 to 1 lessons for £6 ish per lesson.

I would try to get him in a smaller group where the instructors can actually see what's happening. I would also speak to the swim teacher and tell them why. They should be concerned that they didn't even see the incident.

1. never approach the other parent

2. why are you assuming it's his mum rather than his dad who brings him?

Was there no lifeguard on duty ?

I had a similar issue except the children were much older. My son was the one pushed under, put of his depth and he was panicking. The teacher hadn't noticed. I had to charge down the other end of the viewing area to shout down to the teacher about what was happening. I caught the teacher after and he said he'd had problems with that child before and if he did it again he'd speak to the parent. I just moved groups. DS properly panicked, the child was a shit as I'd been watching him and the teacher didn't feel it warranted a conversation with the parents despite him knowing this child was a problem.