Before I start this, I know I am going to get loads of responses along the lines of ‘back off’ you are ‘over invested’ ‘they are kids - you are weird’ – and in fairness, that is exactly the kind of response I would normally send myself. I have NO IDEA why I am so upset by this, which is why I am turning to the wisdom of MN.
DD (just 14) has a new BF (nearly 15). It is her first boyfriend – or at least the first time she has admitted as much – and they have been inseparable for the last few weeks – since the beginning of the summer. He seems to have done most of the running in as much as he doesn’t live close to us, but has been happily taking three trains to see her every moment he can and he has bought her a couple of sweet gifts. He is a nice kid and a bit different to her usual crowd who are (on the surface) a bit shallow and pretentious whilst he is really straight down the line and, I think, quite sensitive. We all like him, but they are kids – so whatever. I have neither encouraged nor discouraged their friendship, other than to remind DD that she shouldn’t feel pressured into doing and there doesn’t seem to be any issues there.
This weekend DD was having some friends round (boys and girls) and he had been invited a couple of weeks back. I was in and out of the room with pizza and drinks but mostly let them all get on with it. I did notice that BF was very much on the sidelines and that DD was practically ignoring him. All the others are at school together so at one point I did tell her that she should make an effort to include him to which she just rolled her eyes.
Parents were collecting at 10pm and at about 9:30, the BF came into the kitchen and asked for some water. He looked a bit upset and I asked if he was ok. At first he said yes but he didn’t leave and I could see him literally wringing his hands, so I asked again and he said ‘no, not really’. I asked if he wanted to talk to me and he said he did. He started to tell me that he was being bullied at school and before I knew it, he had broken into proper tears – sobbing/shoulders going – properly upset. He told me that he had had a really bad year of it last year (school/parents involved) but things had started to get better but this week, back at school it had kicked off again and it was even worse. He said he didn’t want to tell his mum and dad as it had caused them so much worry last year and he didn’t want to tell DD as he didn’t want her to worry about him, or think less of him for being a ‘victim’ 
I advised him that he has to talk to his parents and that as a mum, I would definitely want to know so I could do battle for him and that it would be a lot worse for me if I had found out my DC was suffering in silence. He said he would think about it, but didn’t sound convincing. I then encouraged him to talk to DD thinking I could advise her to push for him to talk to his parents. He said that DD was the best thing in his life and if it wasn’t for her he didn’t know what he’d do. He said he loved DD.
His parents arrived soon after and he left.
The next morning DD announced that she has gone off him and doesn’t want to see him again. Her decision of course, but I feel unreasonably worried about him. I told DD that he seemed quite low at the weekend, and it might be kind to wait a bit, but she flew off the handle and told me that I was pressuring her to date someone she didn’t want to any more.
I can’t argue with that, but equally I can’t stop worrying about him. I think that I am concerned that DD dumping him might just tip him over the edge into depression or worse. I feel awful that I tried to comfort him with the idea of talking to DD who, as it turns out, had been planning to ditch him all along.
I am disproportionately upset and even tearful about this kid, and this reaction is so not me. I am usually completely relaxed about my DC and friendship issues and could not be less interested in the various teenage-dramas that we witness. I know I am over-thinking it and I am cross with myself for feeling cross with DD. I know she can't help how she feels and that teenagers are fickle. I don’t want to feel cross with her, I want to support her and be on ‘her side’ but a part of me wishes she would just say 'I like him again now' so I could stop worrying about him.
I have decided that my upset is 1) because I am disappointed that DD seems oblivious to his feelings having led him to believe that she is really into him. 2) what is going on with the bullying is really awful and he was very distressed and as a mother, it touched me. 3) He thought DD was there for him no matter what and she isn’t. And it sounds like she is one of only a handful of people he has.
I am toying with getting in touch with his mum (who I’ve met once) about the bullying, but am not convinced that I should. I know I am over-invested although I don’t know why, and I think this may be crossing a line. I had been hoping that the bullying thing could be resolved by DD persuading him to talk to his parents, but now clearly this won’t happen.
Step away or call mum? And why on earth am I so upset as to be tearful about this???