Don’t know what to do re my dsis and her EA boyfriend

[Clutterfreeintraining]

I’ve posted about this a couple of times over the last 6 months or so.
Dsis has been in a relationship with this man for approx 5 years. I’ve never particularly warmed to him but for her benefit, I’ve made an effort.
6 months ago, during a family holiday (first and last that he’s been on), I realised he has quite a serious alcohol problem. He’s controlling, sulks, is aggressive when he doesn’t get his own way and is generally unpleasant to be around.
During the holiday, I made my feelings, about him, clear to each of them - separately and together and whilst dsis agreed his behaviour was unacceptable she didn’t feel she could finish with him.
Over the last few months I’ve made a big effort to ensure our relationship doesn’t suffer and tried to support her. I’m very conscious of not putting her in a position of having to choose between him and me - although, this has happened, inadvertently and she chose him (twice - ouch!).
Her behaviour over the last three weeks has been a bit unusual. She’s turned up at my house a couple of times, spent a couple of hours watching tv with me and then gone home. She’s also made lots of weekend plans with me and our other dsis.
She has great difficulty communicating her thoughts and feelings and always has done so sometimes I try to read between the lines. I had convinced myself that they’d split up and he’d moved out and that’s why she’d come over the other weekend and spent so many weekends with us but discovered today that’s not the case and it’s business as usual.
Whilst I know she’s in a vulnerable position and I know this is probably very selfish, I can’t cope with her choosing him time and time again and can’t bear to watch him treat her the way he does and for her not to stand up for herself. I know it’s not as simple as that and I feel so desperate for her but I think it’s time for me to take a step back and let her come to me if she needs me.
Any suggestions on how to fix this?

I would say your thinking is right. Step back and just be there for her.

That’s what my family did with me and I was eternally grateful that they didn’t interfere/pressure me and let me, in my own time, get out of the situation.

They were there when I needed emotional support or just to talk and when I finally got out of the relationship they were my rock.

Just being there for someone in this situation can mean the world to that person even if you hear the same stories over and over, even when you just want to say ‘leave him, kick him out’. Hopefully in time she will leave.

Thank you for your reply Mellow.

Did you know how your family felt about your situation at the time?

My dmum is not the most rational of people and keeps threatening all sorts to try and ‘snap her out of it’!! I seem to be spending half my waking moments trying to talk her out of whatever cunning plan she’s come up with!

My family ended up disliking him very much especially my Mum who I spoke to a lot about him and I knew they were all so concerned.

But they all avoided voicing their opinions (I know they were all thinking get rid because I could hear the despair in their voices) and I was grateful no one said anything because it would of added to my stress essentially.

You are right to stop your Mum doing anything. She also just needs to be there.

I’m worried she won’t talk to any of us about him because she knows how we all feel about him. She’s got good friends but I’m not sure if she’d confide in them either

Thank you for sharing your experience of this. It helps to understand how she might be feeling.

Actually I remember my sister said to me one day when I was having a low day ‘how can you live like that, it must be miserable’.

Although her words weren’t exactly hard hitting, they had a profound effect on my thinking. Those few words she said made me think ‘yes I am miserable and it’s him who makes me miserable. How can I fix this’.

That was the start of my journey out.

I’m glad you did get out because yes, it must be miserable. I hope you’re in a happier place now

Try to regain your sisters confidence in opening up to you. You know her best so you’ll probably know a way to get her to start talking again.

Avoid bad mouthing him as that will make her shut down, avoid telling her what to do, be sympathetic and non judgmental and like my sister did, just slip in some thought provoking comments.

Don’t tell your mum anything that your sister tells you as your Mum sounds like she might have a bit of trouble to not hatch up another cunning plan and then your sister might close down again.

@Clutterfreeintraining

Thankyou. I’m glad I got out and I’m so much happier now! I had forgotten the simple pleasures in life because he got me so stressed out nothing was enjoyable anymore.

I really hope your sister can get this man out of her life too and it’s nice you care enough to reach out and ask for help.

Mellow - I’m not sure she feels she needs to confide in anyone because she doesn’t think his behaviour is that unacceptable and certainly doesn’t believe it’s abusive or that she is worth more than the way he treats her.

And you’re right, I have to be careful what I share with dmum. As much as I know she’s worried about dsis, she does charge on in and then dsis gets defensive.

Thank you, I really hope she gets him out of her life too - and I desperately hope it’s sooner rather than later.