I have the most resilient child in the UK.

[PolkerrisBeach]

Really thought that starting secondary would mean leaving this crap behind but obviously not.

DD has just turned 13. She has just started her second year at High School (we're in Scotland). Every year her school puts on this massive charity extravaganza with a catwalk fashion show, canapes, black tie ball. All very posh, high profile, raises a packet for whatever charity they've chosen that year, run very professionally.

Open auditions to take part. Out of the 200 students in her year, around 100 put themselves forward (mostly girls). DD is sure she's in with a good chance as she's danced since pre-school and is good at picking up and remembering dance routines. She was told today she's not been selected. According to her, all the chosen ones are the "cool crowd", the slim, pretty, sporty crowd. She says she's not bothered but she most definitely is.

DD is one of those "average" kids who gets left out constantly. She's not an academic superstar but doesn't struggle. She's not sporty and not musical. She causes the teachers no issues and just puts her head down and gets on with it. All through Primary she was constantly putting herself up for Class Rep, or sports rep, or a part in the pantomime, or a poetry reading competition, or all manner of other committees and so on. Never got picked. And now it's starting all over again and she's feeling so sorry for herself.

I know not everyone can get chosen and I know there are some golden children who go through life getting picked for everything and the teachers aren't doing it on purpose to be evil but fuck me, I'm gutted for her.

On the flip side, there's not much anyone can teach her about resilience.

Resilience trumps everything...

I joined a gym that does team warm-ups, I'm still picked last, I'm in my 40's...felt exactly the same as it did when I was 13.

Tell her she's a star!

I've a lump in my throat. Good on her. She reminds of a friend of mine, she was on our hockey squad but never on the main time but showed up for training every time, stood cheering us on while we played etc. In our last year our coach gave her special mention and said her attitude was a hugely important part of our time, which was really important to highlight to the rest of us, and she made sure she gave her a chance on the pitch for every match in the senior year. Everyone was so impressed by her and so find of her. She has a PhD now. Resilience is everything

At the school my girls are at the girls that are chosen for the fashion show are chosen by the 6th form girls who are themselves the one who are very into looking good so it's self perpetuating
I think it's brilliant your daughter went for it,my daughter,very academic, but not skinny and not interested in make up never would have had the nerve !

I feel like you just described my daughter. Also 13, also middling at everything, also completely over looked all through primary. Doesn't even try for the popular kid stuff at secondary but has found her own path doing the things she enjoys that the popular crowd generally don't.

It broke my heart a bit in primary - especially when she used to say 'I'm not good at anything am I mum?'. But she is, she really is. Like your daughter she is incredibly resilient and emotionally intelligent. She also has a wicked sense of humour and is learning the value of walking her own path. Here's to our amazing daughters - I'm sure they will go on quietly making us proud as they grow into adulthood.

Oh bless her. I agree it will stand her in good stead later. Kids who have everything easy in childhood often get a shock later (when flicky hair isn’t the be all and end all) and it knocks them for 6.

However, I would question what the school is playing at. I can’t see why this kind of event couldn’t incorporate everyone who wants to take part? Seems pretty off to me.

Parents really should start kicking up a fuss with the school to put an end to this shit.

I did try. I said that I didn't want her to take the place of other kids who were better than her at sports or whatever but I did want them to give some thought into how to include kids like her and make them feel valued. They didn't really get the point I was trying to make I don't think, they assumed it was sour grapes.

In the latter years of primary, the kids who were good at sports and music were generally the popular kids so they also got voted onto all the school councils too. I tried suggesting that half the councils were based on pupil votes and half on teacher votes so they could give the less popular kids a chance. The sad fact is, teachers are more interested in the talented kids than the middle of the road kids so they just weren't bothered about making those changes....

If you don’t already know it, listen to the song ‘at seventeen’ by Janis Ian

I was thinking Sue Heck too! She is one of my favourite TV characters and I think all girls should take a leaf out of her book.

Grounded, diligent, average kids absolutely fly in adulthood; that might mean excelling in her chosen field, it could mean having really rich, wonderful relationships, traveling the world, whatever she chooses.

^^ this.
successful adults were rarely miss popularity in school.
That resilience teaches them the skills to take on the world.

You have described my daughter! But as you say the resilience they build is second to none, although it’s awful that at such a young age a lot of children grow such a thick skin.

Very often the children who do always get selected, win prizes etc are the ones throwing almighty hissy fits the moment things don’t go their way. For some reason this attitude seems to get you further in our school and the outside activities we have been involved in.

Favouritism sucks, however it seems globally rife.

Your DD sounds fab 😊 Read 'Grit' and then get her to read it. It will inspire you both no end.