if you have a child who finds ALL 'new' things stressful and incredibly difficult...

[JessiCake]

... how do you manage it?

DD is 5.5 so still only little, yes, but I don't see anything like this in other kids her age (except in my nephew... oh, and I used to do it and DH used to do it so it's definiitely in her genes...!)

She gets incredibly anxious, stressed and sometimes extremely upset about new situations. For example. Her swimming teacher this term is one she doesn't know. Yesterday we had a half-hour meltdown (not even on lesson day) about how she can't do it, doesn't want to do it, 'new things are scary' etc etc.

It's across the board. It took her a full term to settle into school last year because of the same issue: anxiety around new people/situations.

She won't join any after-school clubs etc for this very reason, not even things she loves to do like eg drama. OK, she's still so tiny I'm not remotely worried about her not doing activities, but it's the mindset that I'm keen to help her with.

I did this too, as a child. I used to refuse to go to anything 'new' or that I wasn't 100% sure about. My mum handled it, I think, wrongly in that she just used to say 'OK, fine, don't go'. It didnt' equip me remotely well for how to handle it, it just made me more certain that newness was something to be avoided. I've had to work very hard as an adult (and still do) not to be put off trying new experiences and I still suffer social anxiety.

DD is actually a very confident child (apart from this) and not at all shy, once she is comfortable in any new situation. It's partly why i'm so keen to minimise all the stress and upset before any new event, as I know how much she loves things when she gets used to them (swimming, school etc)

My current tactic is just to try to get her to spell out exactly what it is she is worried about, then to do a kid's version of what I was taught to do by an excellent counsellor as an adult - basically ask her 'what's the very worst thing you imagine will happen?'

It makes her laugh, eventually (we come up with silly worst-things-imaginable) but it doesn't seem to remotely alleviate the problem, nor is it getting into her head that 'new' is not 'bad.'

Anyone have a child like this? Did they just grow out of it? How did you go about encouraging them to try new things, get them out of their comfort zone, without terrifying them?!

What you’re doing sounds great.

Acknowledging her fears are important, so not making her feel ‘silly’ about being scared but at the same time, not making it into too big a deal. Saying ‘I know you’re really scared, it’s ok to get scared, we all get worried about different things’.

Have you told her you used to feel like that? Maybe tell her about how you used to get scared at new things, what you’re mum said, what you did about it, etc. Bring it up though at a separate time from when she’s scared about something, just in a general ‘when I was little’ conversation.

Have you tried a visual time table with her, so photos of the new teacher with her name on or pictures of the new place with visual clues of what she’ll do, so for example a new dance class could be picture of the car to get there, picture of her costume, picture of lots of children dancing, photo of teacher (ask in advance or from website), picture of you picking her up, picture of her eating ice cream at home.

Don’t be afraid to phone up new places and ask what will happen or if they have any photos they can email you.

You tube videos can be great for seeing what somewhere new is like.

Some kids respond better to not having it built up though and just going (obviously this won’t work in all situations). Or taking the focus off her by saying you want to have a little look to see what something’s like.

Some kids do well when they know they have an ‘out’ so new dance class, telling her she can sit out whenever she wants or she doesn’t have to go back again. Obviously works less well with school but giving her some strategies to say if she really can’t cope with something. Just knowing that’s available can help.

Then reminding her of when she has been worried about something that she’s fine with now.

You know her best though so go with your instinct as to what you think will work for her.

Just picked up on this nor is it getting into her head that 'new' is not 'bad
to you DD new is bad though. Yes, she can learn it’s not in time but at the moment it is, so I would concentrate on acknowledging her feelings that new is bad/scary and that it’s actually ok to feel like this.

wow, littledinaco, thank you so much, that's such a helpful reply!

I love the idea of ME saying I want to go and have a look - that would really play well with my DD as I strongly get the sense (in fact I know) she IS interested in new things, she's just put off by what feels like the enormity of it. Having me take a bit of the ''responsibility' off her shoulders would be a good 'trick'.

I think, too, I just need to keep at it all, like a broken tape recorder, and not let her put me off encouraging her!

The visual timetable is a fascinating idea. I will think about that. I could certainly try it. It might be 'too much' for her and build it up more, I'm not sure. Certainly worth a try.

Thank you very much indeed - hugely helpful and supportive - thank you.

My DD is now 9 and was similar to yours at 5. She still is, but chooses to push herself a lot more to try things.
I am pretty tough on ‘sticking things out for a bit’ though. So once a couple of trial swimming/ rainbows/ ballet sessions had been done and enjoyed, them she had to choose to carry on or give up - carrying on always means for the term.
Lawrence Cohen has a great book about Playful Parenting for anxious children. I’ve used a lot of the techniques in there with DD.

You’re welcome, hope it helps. My DD doesn’t do great with the visual timetable (the same, it builds it up too much and makes her anxious) but some kids get on great with them and it makes a massive difference so could be worth a try for the things she has to do.

I try to look on my phone so she’s aware but then do ‘no, you can have a look in a minute, I need to just look to see where I’m going’ then give it to her to look and tell her to be quick as I need it back! That usually works better than making her sit down and look at somewhere. She’ll just look through pictures on the website and maybe read what it’s like a bit.

I find advance warning makes her worse so if we were going to something like dance, I would just stop the car and say ‘oh I just need to pop in as X wanted me to get a timetable for her DD’. Literally no pressure, all focus off her, then I would try and stay as long as possible so she got a good look, etc, then wait for her to (hopefully) ask to go. It takes lots of pressure off as she has seen the building, the teacher, watched a bit of the class maybe, etc so not much is new.

Or swimming, I would maybe ‘pop’ into the viewing area/cafe when ‘passing’ as I needed a drink and it was the ‘nearest place’ literally not mention the swimming just let her see.
Then if we were going another time, I’d try and casually mention ‘oh yes, we have been begore, it’s where I got that drink that time’. I find if I do the whole ‘ooooh DD, that looks fun, would you like to try that, I’m sure you’d enjoy it if you gave it a try’ etc it stresses her out.

parrot, thank you, that's a great book recommendatio, I will look for that.

I agree re things like 'sticking it out' - I remember only too well the mingled feeling of relief and crapness when I gave things up as a child (always after only a couple of sessions) and I didn't like it (well, the relief bit was great but I hated that feeling of having given up, if you know what I mean).

It's a fine line between not pushing and making it all worse but at the same time not just letting your child believe they can't try anything new.

She's an overthinker, that's for sure no idea where she gets it from

Thanks again, hugely appreciated and glad to hear things improved as your DD got older

I do believe in the power of sticking it out (obviously not things they really hate, or that are harmful in some way). I had to, as an anxious child, because as a single mum, my DM couldn’t afford a term’s fees for something just for me to give up or refuse to go. I was very conscious of this from a young age and, although I wouldn’t want my DC to have to worry like that, it must have taught me something about persistence, loyalty and commitment.

I think I have carried those qualities into adulthood and they have helped me stick with a challenging career. We do have to take risks and step out of the comfort zone, and to do so from an early age with the support of a loving parent must be beneficial for most children.

There’s something really difficult about supporting the difficulties in your child that you know you had/ have yourself.

I spend a fortune on counselling to help me with this!