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Original poster

Friend parades her amazing social life...

30 replies

starbrightlight · 06/09/2018 17:11

in front of me all the bloody time. It makes me feel like billy no mates the way she goes on about all the amazing things she's doing with all her many friends.

I am an introvert at heart (though no one would guess as I'm quite lively) with lots of interests that I'm happy to pursue alone or with my OH. For example, I'm happy spending time on my own making jam or doing the garden or painting.

This friend doesn't have any interests at all other than her friends and social life. Most of her conversation is tittle tattle and idle gossip (not unkind), but we've been friends for so long I don't know what to do as increasingly I find her company brings me down.

I do have other friends, just a handful, but this endless showing off feels like boasting and it's getting me down.

Maybe it just plays into my insecurities but I suspect that her need to parade her amazing social life and friends repeatedly before me masks insecurities of her own.

Any suggestions how to handle this? Maybe I should have posted in AIBU because maybe I am (being unreasonable) but I am being honest about how it makes me feel, even if it sounds a bit pathetic.

OP posts:

PolkerrisBeach · 06/09/2018 17:12

Why do you need to "handle it"? She is living her life as she chooses, you are living your life as you choose.

TroubledLichen · 06/09/2018 17:16

It doesn’t sound like you like her very much, don’t be friends with her if her company ‘brings you down’.

WerewolfNumber1 · 06/09/2018 17:18

Well if her company is depressing you, you don’t have to be friends with her.

But a less drastic solution - could you arrange to see her at activities, eg go on a cooking class together, go to see an exhibition etc. That way you’ll be prompted to chat about the activities, rather than meeting for coffee or whatever and her just talking about her friends?

WildCherryBlossom · 06/09/2018 17:18

Making Jam and painting are fantastic things to do! I love doing things like that. At least you have something to show for it (Jam & Paintings). I have friends who rush off to parties and social occasions too. Their lives might look fancier on social media but I am much happier pursuing my more introvert hobbies (like you I can be lively - but increasingly choose not too). Embrace your solitary activities and be proud of them.

Original poster

starbrightlight · 06/09/2018 17:18

I don't need to handle it. Of course I am living my life and she is living hers. (Stating the obvious...)

I asked if anyone had any suggestions how to handle it as I find the times we spend together a bit of a downer.

OP posts:

PolkerrisBeach · 06/09/2018 17:20

So don't be her friend any more then. If you don't like her and you have nothing in common.... move on.

Bluecloudyskies · 06/09/2018 17:21

Unfollow her on facebook so you don’t see her posts. When she starts talking about it change the conversation.

But honestly maybe it’s time to call time in the friendship a bit. I’ve had a massive cull lately, maybe it’s my age

JaneJeffer · 06/09/2018 17:24

You sound like you just don't like her at all.

SoyDora · 06/09/2018 17:26

If you don’t enjoy her company, stop spending time with her! She is who she is, you are who you are.

Original poster

starbrightlight · 06/09/2018 17:29

Thanks for all the replies.

TroubledLichen - you are right, sometimes I don't think I like her very much but I accept that with friends no one is perfect - it's finding a way through I'm wondering about …

WerewolfNumber1 - I don't want to cut off friends with her as we have a long history and I do value our friendship overall. Doing activities won't happen I'm afraid though it's a great idea but she has zero interests so it would be impossible to find something we could both attend. I wish we could as that is a great solution.

WildCherryBlossom Thank you for your lovely reply. I do think that might be the best way forward - to embrace my introversion and not let myself feel pressured to join in the busyness going on elsewhere. I really am at my most contented doing simple things like planting bulbs for spring or cutting back the brambles.

OP posts:

Original poster

starbrightlight · 06/09/2018 17:31

Bluecloudyskies Very good idea but neither of us are on social media.

OP posts:

blackcat86 · 06/09/2018 17:35

I guess it depends if you feel that she judges you for enjoying different things or what you feel is still holding your friendship together?

I have had a similar situation previously where I ended up feeling quite judged by a now ex friend. I made an active effort to try and change it by talking about different things and taking an interest in her interests like going out to particular places. I also suggested simple activities like cooking dinner together, going for walks and texting her with 'I've just made a homemade cake do you fancy coming over and sitting in the garden'. In my case it just highlighted all the effort I was needing to make and a feeling that i she was judging me on her own criteria. I was dating a guy who has had previously been married and had a teenage son and she would constantly pass judgement. We're now married with a baby and I have a fab relationship with his son. I didn't need that friendship and just let it fade. I still think of her often but didn't need her negative energy.

AlmaGeddon · 06/09/2018 17:36

Take along some pots of jam and samples of your paintings , maybe photos of your garden, and bore her to death with the details of your black currant jelly recipe/ fave art brushes and weed problem and she'll probably make the move herself!!

Storm4star · 06/09/2018 17:52

I've often felt the "pressure" when people at work all ask each other "what do you have planned this weekend". For me a typical weekend might be doing a jigsaw puzzle, pottering around the garden, reading, maybe working on a craft project. None of these sound "exciting" though! Other people seem to cram their weekends going here, there and everywhere and all I can think is "how exhausting".

It sounds like she talks about her social life because she has literally nothing else to talk about! I agree with a pp, embrace your activities and don't let other people make you feel you "should" be doing something else. I love the time I spend doing my hobbies. So now I just really don't care what other people think. Once you don't care, you will probably find her less irritating!

SinglePringle · 06/09/2018 17:58

From what you’ve posted, sounds less like she ‘parades’ it and merely talks to you about what she’s been up to. No social media, bragging etc...

She doesn’t appear (from what you’ve posted) to judge your life (and she seems to like you if she wants to chat to you). Why do you judge hers?

Originalsaltedpeanuts · 06/09/2018 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

starbrightlight · 06/09/2018 18:06

blackcat86 I see how that would have highlighted the effort needed just to keep the friendship going, and made you wonder was it worth it. In your case it clearly wasn't and it's lovely that you've gone on to make a wonderful new life.

I think it's not so hard to let people go when your life takes you down a different road. I have one old friend (who I no longer see) whose life changed completely when she divorced and moved away. I miss her but realise that I belong to her old life and she has a whole new life with new husband and family. I would remind her of an earlier time she doesn't really want to dwell on, even though we had wonderful times together.

AlmaGeddon That is a brilliant idea. I do sort of do that sometimes anyway - ie, say I baked a few cupcakes and brought some round when we were scheduled to meet for coffee. She will accept delightedly and chat for a minute until an opportune moment to bring it round to - oh Pamela made me a cake the other day, came round specially to give it to me, I was out but she very kindly left it with my friend Cathy next door who insisted on inviting me in for a cup of tea so we could enjoy a good natter and cake together. Poor Cathy, she's having a tough time with her eldest so we all went down the pub to cheer her up...

This makes my friend sound lovely. Which she is in many ways. I said I was probably being unreasonable!

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Emmageddon · 06/09/2018 18:11

Your hobbies sound fabulous, so just talk to her about your artwork, your gardening, your jam-making. Talk about how bloody brilliant the autumn is with all the berries to gather. Make her some sloe gin. She actually sounds as if she needs to verbally affirm her own importance to others in life - if that makes any sense.

Original poster

starbrightlight · 06/09/2018 18:18

SinglePringle That's an interesting idea - that she doesn't judge my life but I judge hers.

I don't think I do 'judge' her life. I do think her endless prattling on about all the amazing things she's doing / people she's seeing etc wears me down. I think it's more that I'm judging myself for letting it get to me.

Storm4star Thank you, I think you understand and I think I need to get to where you are, somehow! It's true that she has nothing else to talk about, no interests, no books, no gardening, no hobbies, no cinema, no walks, nothing domesticated in fact no interest in anything other than telling me what her friends are doing.

Originalsaltedpeanuts You have described my friend to a Tee. I can't de-friend her though as I wouldn't want to and our OH are good friends too. In fact I like her H a lot and as a foursome we have a really good time together.

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LemonysSnicket · 06/09/2018 18:20

God, what a horrid friend you are. If you think she's so thick, boring and shallow, you don't have to be her friend.

LemonysSnicket · 06/09/2018 18:21

I see this kind of attitude as a kind of inverted snobbery - I don't like doing those things so I am much happier than they are. Maybe that really is what they enjoy and they're not thinking about you a joy when they do them or post about them.

Original poster

starbrightlight · 06/09/2018 18:27

Ermageddon - that's it exactly: 'She actually sounds as if she needs to verbally affirm her own importance to others in life' - that's what I sense all the time and sometimes I want to shake her and say stop! You don't have to prove to me that all these people love you, you're fine as you are, just being you.

If I go back many years there was a time when I felt she tried to manipulate me away from my other friends, saying things like, 'well she's a bit of a hard woman, I always thought, you don't have a lot in common with her', or 'she's not really a good friend, not like us' - stuff like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

starbrightlight · 06/09/2018 18:30

LemonySnicket You're wrong. I am a good friend. I am an honest friend.

I didn't say I was happier than she is or that she is happier than I am. I know we are very different. I said that time spent in her company is getting me down lately and asked for suggestions on a way forward. I've had some good suggestions, for which I'm thankful.

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 06/09/2018 18:37

But she's not bringing you down on purpose. You talk about jam,she talks about friends. You talk about things your like to do,she talks about what she likes to do. The problem is that those things are polar opposites and that YOU feel it's a dig,feeling low and feeding your insecurities.

It's your issue really ,not hers. So work on it.

AlmaGeddon · 06/09/2018 18:43

She sounds quite boring and as if she is living life through other people! When really you want to know her take on things not what booboo next door did or said

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