Think nursery think child is on the spectrum

[canteatawholemarsbar]

Child's first week in nursery. There was a couple of questions asked today that suggested they were kind of thinking she has. Like is she noisy at home, does she share, does she listen and make eye contact.

I'm a fully qualified mental health nurse who has family on the spectrum both autism and Asperger so these questions have absolutely floored me. I have always been pretty accepting that there is a chance but honestly all the above are nothing like her. I was honest and said that these are very unusual for her and that I'd speak to her tonight but I'm really not pleased that they seem to be making that kind of decision or going down that route within first week of her being there.

Has anyone been in similar circumstances what did you do? What was the outcome.

I'm happy to accept that most parents are not impartial when it comes to their children but considering my background and family I think I'd have picked up on any problems.

They are not making any decision. They are making you aware of their observations and asking for more information.

I think they're probably jumping to conclusions a bit, seeing as it's only been a week. Some kids just need a bit of time to settle in.

You might already be accommodating, managing, adapting, as part of responsive parenting, don't dismiss nursery's line of questioning immediately. They might not be thinking of spectrum type issues anyway, and your mind has jumped ahead. How's her hearing for example, glue ear can impact on speech and communication.

I can tell this has been a shock for you, but chasinggarlic is right. All they've done is observed and asked for more information.

And, I mean this gently - your background and family history are irrelevant here. There's a reason that medical professionals don't usually treat their own family. You're incapable of being impartial when it's someone you care for.

considering my background and family I think I'd have picked up on any problems.

This is your biggest problem. If there is anything, it doesn't matter that you didn't pick it up. What matters is that it is picked up. If there is nothing, then at least the nursery made you aware of initial concerns

honestly all the above are nothing like her.

What is nothing like her?? They were asking questions, not telling you what she is!

I'm really not pleased that they seem to be making that kind of decision or going down that route within first week of her being there.

There not making any decision. They’re asking questions to better get to know this new child so they can care for her appropriately!

They deal with lots of children, a huge variety. They’ve more experience with 3 year olds than you have. If they spot something, they’re doing the right thing to follow it up. You’d complain if they ignored it.

It is early days but I think they’re just being vigilant and just trying to get the bigger picture. I think it’s good they’re being so proactive.

What does it matter if she is on the spectrum?

Not meaning to derail your thread OP but

What does it matter if she is on the spectrum?

It matters. It matters a lot. As the parent of a child with ASD, it affects how you need to parent them, how you interact with schools, society - everything. They have (to a greater or lesser extent) challenges in comparison to NT kids which can’t be ignored and need to be managed so they can lead full and happy lives.

They are absolutely not in any way ‘less’ than NT children, and you don’t love them any less (in fact you may love them more fiercely), but pretending it doesn’t matter is doing them a disservice.

OP - as others have said - they are just trying to understand your child. There is a huge distance between asking questions and making a diagnosis (that they are unqualified to give anyway).

I mean this very gently - do you think you are a little sensitive to this because you have a question about it deep down?

If she is on the spectrum I will feel like I have failed her by not noticing sooner.

I meant by nothing like her it was like they were asking about a whole other child except from the not sharing but she has never been great and we do work on it.

I fully appreciate but the questions felt loaded but as someone said my career and family history are the problem here and I am more sensitive to these things potentially.

She has had no structured care before now as either her father or I have been home with her since a baby. We take her to classes, parent and toddlers, soft play, the park basically she is very rarely just having days at home and felt she was well socialised.

I will not ignore nursery if they have genuine concerns and will fully support them and my child as much as I can.

I just felt it was early days and just wondered if anyone else had this happen to them and the eventual outcome.

@ILikTheBred she is performing well above her age and has been for awhile but her father is incredibly intelligent so could just be that but can be a bit of a red flag. She is articulate and happy has a close group of friends that she definitely plays with not just along side. She doesn't always listen and doesn't seem to grasp danger though.

If nursery keep feeding back that she isn't interacting like others then I will of course organise an assessment sooner rather as later. Probably well before they mention any of the a words.

I really should have asked if anyone has had negative feedback about their 3yr old inexperienced nursery starters. Sorry.

If she is on the spectrum I will feel like I have failed her by not noticing sooner.

Well that’s not the nursery staffs fault! That’s your own personal feelings. They’re doing nothing wrong by possibly spotting something you haven’t.

I know two SEN professionals who didn't see the SEN in their own children. Partly because they are so close but partly because the parents naturally treat all children in a SEN friendly way (e.g. not springing surprises, being very child centred and explaining things well) so it hasnt been until nursery that the child has needed any thing iyswim. Do not beat yourself up!!

Fwiw my eldest had an assessment on teachers advice who said 'it might be nothing ' and it did turn out to 'be nothing'. So try not to worry. Your child is fabulous either way.

OP you sound like a very loving mother who knows your child very well and just wants what’s best for her.

If she is on the spectrum I will feel like I have failed her by not noticing sooner

As someone whose child was 8 before he was diagnosed I beat myself up many times with this thought. The truth is at the higher functioning end of the spectrum it can be very hard to differentiate between what are ASD characteristics and what is just normal 3-4-5-6 year old behaviour. In retrospect we were scaffolding him all his life - we just didn’t realize it. By loving and supporting and knowing your child, NT or otherwise, and being opening to listening to what nursery (or doctors / psych / other professionals if it comes down to it) have to say - but always being mindful that you know your child best - you are not failing your child, at all.

FWIW there is nothing in what you have said above which to me sounds like an absolute red flag for ASD.

I know it matters, I have a child on the spectrum, I meant by asking 'what does it matter?' in that this isn't some disease or disaster. If your child is on the spectrum that's perfectly ok and the sooner it is picked up the better so that you can help them navigate life.

If she is on the spectrum I will feel like I have failed her by not noticing sooner.

Oh op, this has just floored you. It’s totally understandable. You of course will know for a multitude of reasons girls are often diagnosed much later than boys. This is not a failing if it turns out to be the case. Possibly your switched on parenting has kept it below the radar until now.

Please go easy on yourself.

My 14 yer old daughter has only just been diagnosed btw and I have had to fight for it and deal with very negative family members.

The thing is you could ask for referral and get knocked back because they don't think she meets enough criteria . She is so young . it is good that the staff are observant enough and are obviously really watching how they children interact, but they could be many many other reasons why she isn't interesting in a way they consider 'normal' apart from being on the spectrum. She might be simply be completely;y overwhelmed by her new setting and showing behaviours that demonstrate an anxiety she is too young to vocalise. She might change once she has settled in. It n=might be this setting doesn't suit her and she is happier in another.
Who knows? Give a bit of time before you start to panic. Just watch for a while and see if things settle down.

SandraTheBee Apologies - I misunderstood your post and 100% agree with your follow up. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time with family etc but hope you and your daughter will now get the support you need.

I think I am a bit sensitive as I get a lot of ‘sure he’s fine’ and ‘we’re all on the spectrum’ comments which, although meant well, really irritate me as 1) he’s not, but hopefully will be if we support him in the right way and 2) we are not all on the spectrum and saying this minimizes the very real challenges faced by many of those with ASD (and also gives license to those who refuse to make any allowances for their differences).

No worries ILikTheBred I have been amazed by the amount of prejudice. people are so ignorant aren't they?

It does seem quite quick to make a judgement but honestly I think it's great that they're being so vigilant. It's often the case that parents are banging down the doors of professionals to get them to believe that their child has additional needs so it's great that your nursery is being so proactive. Try not to jump to conclusions though OP, it's early days and she may just need more time to settle. They might be asking these questions to ascertain how she's settling compared to how she behaves at home, rather than trying to insinuate that she has LD