Dh and new baby - division of labour

[preggersteach]

I had a baby nearly 6 weeks ago and am struggling with both baby and DH. I am ebf and do feel like I am finally getting somewhere with the feeding, obviously I know this means more on me as dh can't feed baby however I am getting so angry and upset with dh all the time. He has been back at work for nearly 2 weeks and understand this means that during the week the nights are on me as he needs to be rested for work but it's the evenings that are driving me mad. He is great with the LO but at times it all feels like a big gesture or something, he'll come in and make a big song and dance over him but then wants to hand him back so he can play on his phone or if he is doing tummy time with him it means baby is laid on the mat and dh is kind to watching but more attention is on the tv or his phone. As soon as he walked through the door he asks what we're having for tea but my mind is just on getting through the days at the moment and don't see why all the house stuff is on me, if dh is with baby on a night it means I am sorting stuff out in the house that needs doing, of I have baby dh is sat on his phone despite the things that clearly need doing around the house. It's driving me crackers. I feel like I'm contlsrantly micro managing him which is making me bitter and he's getting sick of me asking him to do things but he won't do them unless he's told. I get he works and he needs down time but so do I and in the day baby won't nap unless he is on me or out for a walk so I'm not catching up on sleep or having time to do anything in the house. Think just a bit if a rant needed but just not sure what to do. When I speak to him about it (he was like this before baby in terms of not really pulling his weight with the house stuff) we'll end up having a fall out over it and then he puts massive effort in for the next couple of days but then just reverts back to normal after that but I'm knackered and can't be doing with the fall outs. I have been really struggling since baby was born and he keeps saying how worried he is about me but a little more help around the house and with LO on an evening would allow me to be less angry and like o have a bit less to do and would help me cope so much better

OP this is rubbish. And completely unsustainable.

Having kids is exhausting all round. Even when both parents pull their weight it's tiring and if one parent isn't doing that then the other one will suffer in terms of mental and physical health.

It's not a small change it's a big change all round and if you both work together as a team it makes a massive difference.

I don't have any suggestions, I'm afraid. Only to spell out that you are a team and the consequences of his not supporting the team are rubbish.

He has become a parent. It's gonna be different from now on.

You mention not coping. Do you need to speak to your GP or health visitor about it?

He's being lazy.

He could perfectly well come in and cook at the very least, and plonking a baby on the mat and playing on his phone sounds a bit crap. Is it possible to reply each time with 'whatever you choose to make'? If he does the food shopping he could meal plan for stuff he's ok making.

Obviously EBF with a tiny newborn rules out all sorts of things in terms of sharing the nights but it doesn't rule out everything and certainly as the baby gets bigger it might well be your DH would be able to take him at, say , the 4am wake-up if he doesn't instantly want feeding, go downstairs with the baby until he needs to leave for work, and then hand back, so you can do the first feed of the morning. Or similar in the evening. And even easier if you end up with one of those babies that'll take a bottle of expressed milk. It's probably too soon for you even to want to take the energy to think about this much, but I mention it because your DH shouldn't get away with thinking 'oh, the nights are always her problem, so that means right from 8pm to 8am is her problem'.

He is treating you both very poorly. He's watching you struggle and not doing anything to support you, it's not a good start.

I can't believe he walks in and asks YOU what's for dinner, what would he eat if you weren't there? Tell him to do that.

I was prepared for people to say I was being unreasonable. Last night I left him for 2 hours with a bottle of expressed milk so I could go and see some friends, he had plans to tidy the kitchen and make his lunch for today but when I got home he was in a stress as he had been tied to baby the whole time and I don't think it had been quite as easy as he had expected and hadnt been able to do either thing he had said he was going to. I asked him can he understand why I need him to be helping out a bit more and how pissed off he would be of I had then walked in and asked what we were having for tea. This seems to have struck home a little bit with him but we shall see. When baby wouldn't settle when we went to bed last night I did say to him are you going to try and settle him and he did get up and settle him. It's not life changing but the right direction however small!

Oh OP I really sympathise. I had this with DH - having the baby completely changes the dynamic.

I can't give much advice really - DH and I had some divorce-levels fights about this for a few years before we got it sorted, and that's not what I'd recommend to anyone.

There's all the usual advice about dropping your standards (untidy house - so what it's not forever; couple of ready meals - so what; can you get a cleaner to help out.)

All I can say is that you are totally right - it's YOUR needs and the baby's needs that are important right now.

Maybe you can work out the 3 things that are important to you this week, and you and DH sit down and agree them for a week? Like he provides tea every day this week. Then do the same next week?

Evenings are hard! I find that I initially needed to give fairly specific directions like 'why don't you pick her up and dance around with her a bit/ go look at yourselves in the mirror/ try her soother/ she might need a burp" as DH just didn't quite know what to do at times. He swiftly acquired a repertoire of baby-soothing techniques.

I would extremely strongly recommend that you get him to give a bottle every single day. Whether expressed or formula. I have a bottle refuser now and it's a real problem. It really allows you to get away for a bit. I feel that any parent needs the experience of being sole charge for a bit, having the baby cry, successfully consoling them and bonding. If mom always has to rush in with her tits to save the day it's rather disempowering for dad and annoying for mom. I can see the difference in the confidence of my (very hands-on) DH with our twins, one who will take a bottle and soother and one who won't.

Online grocery is also your friend.

And for me at least, trying to remember that housework is not that important, and that your DH is still the same person you fell in love with and had a laugh with before the baby arrived.

On rereading it sounds like your DH's phone is a huge problem.

I had to say to my DH:

Do you think having after the baby is easy? In which case you won’t mind splitting in 50:50 when you’re at home?

Or do you think it’s hard? In which case you’ll recognise that I need to share it with you.

It did help.

I have a excel spreadsheet of housework jobs for each week/month which I print off and stick on the fridge. We have a deal that I will do what I can during nap time, and anything not ticked, is shared when he isn't at work. From when DD was 1 month to 5 month it was rare for her not to have a 3-4 hour afternoon nap, so I did everything then, which seemed fair. DD is now 7 months and hadn't been sleeping well or napping as long for a little while, so DH knows he has to step up, not always as much as I'd like but he's not bad. Sometimes I have to point him towards the list, but then not nag him to do individual jobs.

He also takes DD from the bed on weekend mornings so that I can lie in.

He didn't do anything before you had children so why did you think he would start? He's useless and you've allowed him to be

Just a few small idea
Online shopping- get it delivered in the evening so OH can put it away

When he make a his lunch for tomorriw, he makes one for you too (we did sandwich on a plate in fridge.

He make a sure you have your supplies for the night, so juice and snacks for you.

Agree/negotiate with him what he can take responsibility for- maybe laundry or washing up? Also hoovering.

You have enough to do with feeding you both and keeps g up to washing baby clothes an muslins etc.

Do you have a sling?
A close caboo is a good one if not. Be worth looking to see if you have a sling library near you so you can try one out. They sell fairly cheaply 2nd hand on fb groups or marketplace.
Great for just popping to the shop and for either of you to help settle baby.

The first few weeks are HARD!
It does get a little easier and takes a bit less conscious thought for all the things you now have to do.

A baby is a massive adjustment for everyone. We get thrown into it from day one especially when ebf. With DH it's something they need to learn to do rather than have to do. Not making excuses though.

He probably has no concept of how totally time consuming having a baby is. Although those 2 hours gave him a taste. Try to make this a weekly thing.

He needs to accept that his life has changed. It's no longer work then relax. It's work then baby then relax. With some housework thrown in.

If he's only been back at work for 2 weeks how was he during paternity leave?

Imagine you both work 9-5. Him job, you baby. You also do the night shift feeding. So the evening shift or early morning shift needs to be him. You can try and get a few hours sleep then. Even 2 hours uninterrupted sleep where you know the baby isn't in your charge makes a massive difference. You can properly switch off.

It's a massive learning curve for you both. He just hasn't adapted yet. If he's a good husband he will.