supporting adult children without smothering them or getting stressed

[drum123]

I have two adult sons, one late twenties, one early thirties. Both have jobs, are married, own their own houses, have children, so doing okay in most people's books. But I take on all their problems and feel the need to solve everything for them, which leads to sleepless nights for me while I catastrophise their future! One of them is feeling trapped in a dead end job, but is happy in his home life with his partner and their daughters. The other has a difficult relationship with his wife (no children), but is okay at work. They both carry a lot of debt, which I find difficult to cope with, although I realise it is much more common now than it was when I was their ages. So, what I'm really asking is if you are an AC, how would/do you like your parents to support you without smothering you, and if you're a parent how do you do it without getting stressed yourself?

Sorry, one has children the other doesn't - I blame the mistake at the beginning on lack of sleep!

AC here.
I think in terms of support I would want you to be there to talk to if I needed you. But I wouldn't want to feel judged, especially if you have given advice and I haven't taken it.

Also when around other family members I wouldn't want these things to be discussed. For example, the son who has a difficult relationship with his wife I would want you to treat her the same as you do the wife of the son with the seemingly perfect relationship.

Also I wouldn't want to know that you were overly worrying about the things I had said to you. The only thing this would make me do is not tell you anything else.

But everyone is different and what works for one might not work for another.

Thanks, boux. One thing I'm very clear about is that I treat the two wives exactly the same. The other points are valid for me though, and it is interesting to hear an AC point of view - my two don't ever really tell me what they think!