If you have OCD, are you difficult to live with?

[bastidius]

I'm sorry it's a blunt question but I don't know anyone else to ask.

My sister has had OCD for around ten years or so. At the beginning she wouldn't get help and it was horrible living with her. I know it's horrible of me to say that but it truly was. Since then she's had medication and a few rounds of CBT too which have helped her manage it.

Day to day she is fine BUT only if we can hide certain things from her / not mention certain things/ do certain things when she isn't there. If she suspects something we "have to" lie. Basically, everything you double check in your head to make sure it won't cause a scene.

She also seems to pick on people she can get away with it with like me and our DM. Other people she is ok with, completely fine.

It's like walking on eggshells, constantly double checking everything you do/ sat around her. I felt like I couldn't breathe. She would have massive , huge arguments if we didn't comply with her if she requested us to do a ritual. It affected my mental health and I didn't realise it at the time when I finally moved out and could just breathe.

Is this is what it's like living with people with OCD? Is this how it is?

Of course please please don't get me wrong, I am fully aware how hard it must be for her. A million times. However, I am human too.

When I was a young teenager I’m sure I was stressful to live with. The constant questions and worrying and seeking reassurances and not eating much ‘just in case’ really got to my mum. In the end my mum stopped ‘humouring me’ which did help as it helped me to slowly realise that it was my problem to manage, it wasn’t fair to inflict on other people too. I still have my moments of course! :)

Having worked to help people with OCD I can tell you it is hell for them. I hate that people throw around the OCD thing about tidying or something, they have no idea what these people go through.

Thanks for your reply Wellmeetontheledge I really don't mind the constant asking me questions over and over again and reassuring her but it's the snapping at us, and making us do the rituals . If we didn't all hell would bresk loose. Did you ask you mother to do certain behaviours? What did you do if she refused? Sorry for the questions , I'm really struggling to understand which is her and which is the OCD if you know what I mean

As someone with OCD, stop humouring her.

politicalcorrectnessisgreat I'm in no way saying it isn't hell for her. I have seen her crying over it. I know it's extremely hard for her

Cheeseplantandpickle it's easier said than done. She goes absolutely mental and screams and shouts if we resist. It's just easier to comply. Is this what others do?

Anyone else have any other advice?

How old is/was she while all this was going on? No one wants to see a loved one in distress, especially when they are young, but I get the impression from your post that your family has played along with the rituals for so long now that it causes her distress when you won’t. It’s not helpful, but the solution is to have never become involved in the rituals in the first place. If she is an adult now, she needs to understand that she cannot force other people to comply with her rituals. And that’s her responsibility to deal with through therapy and medication.

I have OCD that fluctuates between mild and moderate, I asked my DH if I’m difficult to live with and he said sometimes, so I guess I’m worse when the OCD ramps up. I know that I can become quite unbearable when the anxiety is at its highest, I’ll cause arguments for no reason, sink into depression, refuse to talk, etc. When I’m in the midst of this kind of event, I don’t think rationally like ‘this is the OCD, I need to do my coping mechanisms’, but therapy and medication should mean that I actively follow strategies for this to happen less often. I would suggest your sister go to her GP, discuss medication and find out what the next steps are in terms of therapy, because the CBT she’s been on aren’t working - or she’s not engaging with it actively in day to day life.

Thanks for your reply. Buttercup53 she was around mid to late 20s when it happened. One of the things the OCD is around is dirt/ germs. Can I ask, would you incessantly then keep asking your DH if he washed his hands. If he threw something out in the bin, would you stare at him to see what he's then touched and if he has washed his hands etc? Would you keep asking him what did he do/ what did he touch. Etc.

It's this sort of thing that makes living with her on a adult basis extremely difficult. If we answered no I didn't wash my hands, all hell would break loose and she'd either make us or start washing all her clothes and hands and would never touch you or anything you touch again.

I typed out a really long response to your question, and realised that I can't answer it neutrally and I don't want to give you unhelpful advice. I empathise with your sister but I also sympathise with your family. The only thing I will say is that she can't actually make you do anything, and it's wrong that she tries, but severe anxiety can make you unreasonable. The only person who can make her feel better long term is herself by engaging with treatment, she's only causing herself to become more unwell by trying to force you to comply with her anxieties.

If she returns to her GP and comes under the care of a service again, you should consider contacting them to ask if there's any support groups for people living with those who have a mental illness. My service provides this, no one in my family has gone to it, but I think they would provide good advice. Alternatively, have a look on the Mind website for information on OCD, as being aware of how someone with the condition feels/thinks might help you to understand what is and isn't a reasonable adjustment.

I have ocd, I'm at a point now where I can live with it and it's not affecting my day to day life thanks to cbt. I can imagine that it must be tough seeing someone you care about going through it and it sounds like she gets really distressed by it. It is horrible but like pp have said, don't humour her by joining in with the rituals etc. I know it will cause a melt down but in the long term you will be helping her. Could you have a word with her about it when she's calm and just make it clear that you won't be doing it anymore, explain (gently) how it makes you feel and explain that you want her to get better. Encourage her to go back for more cbt.

Thanks. I have read online etc and it does mention not to comply as we are fuelling it and making it worse. I do understand that. However it's easier to comply. I feel like they're saying just say no as though that's really easy. If we say no she goes mad and she screams and won't stop till we comply. She'll keep going on and on and on and on till you want to just kill yourself. We can't keep fighting. It's affected my mental health living with her. She doesn't care. She acknowledges it must be hard living with her but it's always straight away followed with but it's worse for me so I win in the "it's hard" department.

Its hard for both sides, i dont suffer with it but dp does, everything takes so long, checking, double checking, I leave at least half an hour extra just to get out the house and wash my hands more than i need to, it worries me that I am getting a bit obsessive myself now because I seem to just go along with it to keep the peace.

Evvvve we have spoken to her / argued with her / cried to her to stop but we must comply. Her meltdown can then last for days. She says we are making it worse for her. That we don't understand.

Is she getting any help with her o.c.d. from the doctors or mental health team

Yes when it's gets really bad she'll go to he NHS CBT team. I think she's been about 3/ 4 times with a dozen sessions. She's also on anti depressants meds too.

I have OCD and pre diagnosis I was probably very difficult to live with. My behaviour probably came across as being bratty and horrible, when I was going through hell and coping the only way I knew how. I have had cbt and it has helped a lot. I will always have OCD, but I can manage it a lot better now. And now that I have children I am very mindful of it because I don’t want it impacting them.

I feel for your sister and you and your family. I think previous posters are right that you can’t keep going along with her rituals. But it sounds like she is in a very bad place, so suddenly having everyone stop, might really set her over the edge. I would look into family counseling sessions. It might help to have a therapist work through a solution.

Describing the screaming breakdowns that last for days - she is either at the far end of severe with the disorder in which case she needs facility-based treatment, or there’s more to it than ‘just’ OCD. Again, don’t want to diagnose over the Internet when I’m not expert, but just from what you describe I’d be encouraging her to be assessed for a learning disability or some version of a personality disorder. It’s not ‘normal’ (for want of a better word) for someone with OCD to have these days long breakdowns being aggressive towards family members. Either that or she is using her illness as an excuse to say/do whatever she wants. You say she’s late 20s, OCD doesn’t completely rewrite your personality - has she always been volatile?

I hava a dd with this. What's helpef her is havr a counsellor explain the germ theory to her. While it's sensible to wash hands, you don't need to wash them 1000 x and, if you touch germs, you don't automatically get ill. Germs are all around us, incl inside us. It is our imune system that makes us ill

my ‘checking’ drives everyone mad, myself included but it’s like Tourette’s, i think - i can’t NOT ask ridiculous questions.

i’ve had 2 med changes in the last 6 months and i also have BPD, hideous depression and anxiety.

in answer to your question, OP, yes my OCD makes me difficult to live with. my partner does his best with all the ‘rules’ around food and germs. i drag my poor Dyson round the house at least 4 times a day, and my hands are raw from washing them. oh, i forgot to say i also have arthritis and i don’t rest enough on bad days so that also has a negative impact.

i try really hard not to drag others into my madness. some days i succeed, others not so much. i do my part though - i take my meds, i see my psychiatrist and my care co, i try to get enough sleep/fluids/vitamins.

i hope you can find a way through this. mental illness can be so destructive, in so many ways.

I have been diagnosed with severe OCD. I think your sister has a habit of involving you and your mother in her OCD and since its being going on so long its a pattern which is hard to break. My hubby's hygiene can be not so great - I really only say something if he is about to serve me my food and he's touched the bin without washing his hands or something. But other than that I don't ask him to do any rituals. But everyone is different.

Buttercup53 that's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't understand if it's "her" or the OCD that makes her act like this towards us.

She definitely doesn't have a learning disability. And I'm not sure if she has any type of personality disorder. I don't think so.

The fact that you say OCD doesn't change your personality is interesting. She has always been a very snappy, quick temper type of person. She also has a victim mentality. I think she can very self centred too. So I guess when it comes to the OCD "demands" she feels very entitled for us to do as she says.

ittakes2 so would you then ask your DH to wash his hands if he touched the bin and was serving you food?

I mean the thing is that she’ll probably have always had OCD in some form, some people argue that it’s a disability rather than a mental illness (I don’t have any opinions on this personally) and that would suggest that you’re born wired that way, even if it’s not apparent for years. I’m snappy, I’ve always been snappy, and I am worse when I’m particularly anxious. So she could have always been snappy because of the OCD if that makes sense? I can see you’re stuck in a really difficult situation, but it’s hard for any of us to say we would do X or Y in certain scenarios because the reaction we have t triggers will all be different. I just think - and others might disagree with me - if she’ll genuinely scream and be abusive for days because you won’t comply with her demands, and she doesn’t have anything else going on other than OCD, it’s a wierd reaction. Being an adult means understanding you can’t always get your own way and having a mental illness doesn’t mean you can force people to do what you want them to. If my DH wont do something and it makes me anxious, I might go over and over it in my head, do my own ritual to ‘counter’ what he’s done, I might be snappy with him, but I have to reluctantly accept I can’t make him do anything.