How can I ever feel like I'm 'enough'?

[underestimation]

At the grand old age of 45, I have realised that I have been living with the same feeling/s for most of my life. I think the best way to describe it is as fear and perhaps anxiety but more recently I have traced that to an underlying sense of never feeling quite 'enough.' I used to think that I could address this by doing and achieving more but I have tried this and continue to feel like a failure while also recognising that almost nothing I achieve could shift this underlying feeling of inadequacy. Does anyone else feel like this? If you did and now don't, how have you changed? I would love to know. To some extent I feel the fear and do it anyway but on the other hand I also know I avoid many situations for fear of failure. Sorry if this has been done a million times before!

Yes, I have this. It's bloody exhausting and tends to make me agree to stuff I really don't want to do! I have got much better over the past 10 years, although I have to work at it and do still get sucked back in to this mindset alarmingly easily. Things that have helped me (in order in which I would recommend doing them, not the order I did them in):

1. Brene Brown (google her TED talks, then read 'The Gifts of Imperfection') as a starting point.

1. Regular meditation to train the mind to be able to distance from the fear/ anxiety thoughts - I use the Headspace app, but others are available.

1. Completing a Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and associated reading (including in my case 'Quiet' by Susan Cain and 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by Elaine Aron) - these specific books might not apply to you, but understanding more about which bits of life I find hard to cope with because of the way I'm wired, and the positive aspects/benefits of my personality to balance the negatives, has helped me to be kinder to myself and more accepting/ forgiving of my limitations.

1. Psychotherapy (short course, about 12 sessions, but from a proper, trained psychotherapist rather than a 'counsellor').

I still struggle, but can now recognise and work on the thoughts/ feelings that are unreasonable/ not realistic. It's important to recognise that most people feel like this from time to time (there's a theory that the only people who never experience these feelings are psychopaths!), and modern society/ advertising encourages a culture of 'Not _ enough', as it sells products and keeps people on the career treadmill. When we're happy being who we are, we buy less stuff and engage less with 'ought to'.

Practice being as kind and understanding towards yourself as you would be towards a friend or loved one. This is a bit of a cliche, but surprisingly difficult to put into practice!

Practice being as kind and understanding towards yourself as you would be towards a friend or loved one

I’d second this. And I think the feeling of ‘not enough’ is really common, but it’s good to recognise and challenge the thoughts. I updated my CV recently and thought “oh my god; I’m actually quite good at stuff!” - so maybe reviewing things you’ve achieved every so often to remind yourself the “imadequate” thoughts are only thoughts, not facts.

Thanks so much for replying both of you, so good to know I'm not alone. I will try all those things. I have looked at Brene Brown's work before bu will go back to it.

Malteser, when you say psychotheraphy, is it possible to say what's different about that compared to counselling? I do have a lovely counsellor and sometimes we talk about what happened in my childhood to make me feel like this but I don't feel as though it is helping me to change much.

On the CV thing, I recently did that Verbena but I ended up thinking the opposite! Objectively I do know that I'm doing OK but somehow I can discount anything I do into nothing.

Under, I think a really good counsellor would probably do similar things, but counsellors are a really mixed bag in my experience. Certainly if you've found someone you're comfortably working with then that's great.

My psychotherapist was very skilled in challenging my thinking, exploring things in a way that meant I got there myself, but with his guidance/ prompting. He was also very good at not reacting to stuff, so he didn't feel like another person who I needed to impress (in this case by saying the right things and appearing to recover quickly, which was my first instinct!). He also had a way of summarising things that brought a lot of clarity.

Brene Brown has basically spent her career working on this stuff. I keep coming back to it. I've recently re-read 'Gifts of Imperfection' for the fourth time, and am just starting in on 'Daring Greatly'.

You're really not alone in this. I'm sure most people feel like this, but a lot can't even admit it to themselves, let alone anyone else, so you're already ahead of the game there!

Oh no! Not the cv thing then, but maybe listing some things you’re proud of (there are loads of things to be proud of that don’t appear on cvs)?

I also think that culturally our ideas of “success” are pretty flawed - as I get older I’m less inclined to judge people by “who or what do you own/control?” (which is what I think contemporary British culture tends to use as a measure of status) and more by “who or how have you helped, in tangible terms, in the last 24 hours?”.

There’s a lot of glorification of being the richest/fastest/loudest and I think it’s worth challenging, especially if you don’t fit that model of “success” and it makes you feel less. “Do no harm but take no shit” is a good motto I reckon!

Hi again. I agree on the cultural issues and measures of 'success'. My job does not help with this. I am an academic and our success is measured very heavily on publication of journal papers - which also have very high rates of rejection. I have become sort of paralysed by fear of failure here and it is a vicious circle which I am struggling to turn around. But I totally agree that who you have helped is more important than what one does in other respects or how much one earns. I like that motto!

I found embracing the concept of 'good enough' helped me hugely. Fear of failure was a huge thing for me, which led to a kind of perfectionism and avoidance of stuff I wasn't comfortable with and my comfort zone started to shrink.

You also have to fundamentally accept that failure is a part of success. So long as you're learning each time something doesn't work out, you're still making progress towards your goal. Over time those failures hurt less emotionally (and actually happen less as you've learnt from your experience).

Try and treat it objectively. If you aim to have 10 papers accepted and the rejection rate is 50% then you just accept that you'll need to submit 20 papers to hit your goal. Each rejection is still a step towards your bigger target. (Very simplistic example, but it's the mindset you need to take). That's not to say you submit 10 sub-par papers, but you need to just see rejection as a part of the process, and not a reflection on you.

Thanks ahyer. My comfort zone has definitely shrunk. I thought for a while I was doing well with facing my fears but I've realised I've just redirected my attention to things that feel slightly less uncomfortable / risky - while continuing to feel a failure for not publishing when I'm too scared even to submit. You are absolutely right on the rejection rates though (it's more like 90% in my field but then that should be comforting in that other people are also very likely to be rejected)! Good enough is though absolutely good enough. I sometimes wonder whether part of this is a slight mid-life slump and loss of direction - but that's possibly another question!

I feel this, have all my life. It's partly due to a difficult childhood.
I recently got super fit, lost weight and took up a Martial Art. Which for a while dispelled those feelings because I felt better about my appearance and my physical capabilities.
However it's creeping back again. I can't handle criticism very well and I just don't feel good enough in any sphere of my life

Oh yes, catdrugs, I am rubbish at handling criticism. Even worse, I often get obsessed with a 'peer' (competitor!) in my field and beat myself up every day about how much more successful they are, how much they are doing compared to me, how everyone must think they are so great and I am so rubbish. I know that if I spent less time doing this, I would probably have more time and head space to do better work! But ... yes, it's not great. I realise I am not painting a great picture of myself here. I hope that if you met me I wouldn't seem as unpleasant as I sound here!

Yes I constantly compare myself to others who I perceive to be better. It's exhausting ☹️

Exhausting is about right. I don't know if it's my personality or my childhood or a bit of both which has led to this. I would like to change it though.

My feelings of inadequacy come and go. Counselling helps me. I also think a lot of it comes from relationship with my mum and actually raising it with her did help to some extent. Trying scary new things helps as well. Sometimes.

Nothing to add Op with watching with interest as you’ve articulated a lot I feel about myself

I guess this is a common feeling as others have said up-thread. I sometimes think it is especially acute for me but I also think that this does go alongside a degree of self obsession! So one of the things I sometimes worry about for example is that people/work colleagues are laughing at me for being rubbish. But of course I know rationally that it takes a certain degree of self-obsession to believe that people are thinking about me for long enough to bother laughing!

I have this too! Particularly with work. I have left a few well paid jobs in the last couple of years as I couldn't handle the internal pressure of 'being found out'. Each time I resigned, they made me a counter offer to stay but I couldn't do it. I know intellectually that shows I wasn't crap, but emotionally I can't accept it. I am now thinking about retraining altogether but wonder if that's just running away again and if after years of hardship and effort I'll end up feeling the same.

WLmum that sounds tough. Do you enjoy your current job (if you could get over the lack of confidence) and do you think you'd enjoy the alternative more? I did retrain and it was the best thing I ever did - but I still don't feel very confident! In fact, when I turned 30 I made my first attempt to really tackle this. Having spent my twenties fearful of everything and taking no risks, I made great strides! I left a job I hated and started my current career, I left a relationship that wasn't working, sold my flat, etc etc. I really started anew. It was absolutely terrifying but also the best thing I have ever done. I really thought I had faced my fears. But I feel that I have slipped back into my old ways however many years later. My reason for wanting to tackle this then and now again is because I don't want to look back on my life in fifteen/twenty/how ever many years time and think that I was (substantially) less than I could have been, out of fear. I am not sure quite what I mean by that yet (and of course life gets in the way too) but it does feel potentially sad to put such limits on ourselves.

I didn't enjoy the jobs and think I'd enjoy something else much more but I am fearful (!) that it might just be a running away/grass is always greener scenario.
How did you start to address it? I have had some online cbt which I think helped me be a it more honest with myself but I'm not sure it's got me any further forward.

I have suffered from this on and off for years. CBT helped A LOT. I also think you have to be very careful about what you read! I dumped all fashion magazines, all social media, most television, almost all gossip sites etc. I replaced with quirky New Yorker articles, books, radio. I pick a painting each six months and just read about it, look at it and learn about it but crucially, enjoy it.
And almost everyday, when I catch myself gnawing on the bone of self doubt I say "oh come on now, it's ok". 🙄🙂