'Terrible Twos' tips please

[TiffanyAtBreakfast]

My 2yo has suddenly decided to behave like one. Lots of NO! And MINE! Planking in the middle of roads. Throwing stuff. Not listening. And today, pushed me hard a few times

What worked for you in terms of discipline, techniques or even just ways to deal with it that don't involve copious amounts of ? I tried to introduce a 'time out' step, but DS is very stubborn - I spent 50 minutes trying to get him to say sorry to me the other day (he never did). I didn't want to cave in, but I just can't spend that sort of time when I also have a 5 month old at home needing attention too.

Feeling a bit blue after several weeks now of horrid behaviour (I know it's probably normal but it's not fun) and can't help but worry that it's my fault he doesn't listen!

(Sorry, I meant to post this in the chat topic - I've asked MN to shimmy it over)

Naughty step. Calm manner. Counting to five and a secret stash of chocolate and wine for when she’s gone to bed!

Naughty step has actually really worked for us. She really got it after a few times on the step and now I mostly only have to say that I am going to count to five as a pre step warning and she stops in her tracks.

Also, helps weed out when they are being a purposefully massive sod. If I get to five I know she is pushing it on purpose and can deal with that appropriately.

My 2.5yo has been a right turd today (love her dearly). She's been screaming and shouting, desperate to do everything herself, goes from 0-60 in about 0.2 seconds, most of the time angry at me before I've even got my head around what she's asking for So, solidarity And following for tips. I am quite strict with her, but she is just being a 2 year old it would seem

Also, don’t try to force the sorry if it takes ages. They’ll just resist. DD didn’t always say sorry to begin with. But she always wants a hug after. She’s only recently started saying sorry consistently.

Have you tried a time out glitter bottle?

Also, step back a bit and see how funny it is. 2 years olds losing their shit is often hilarious. No one thinks you're a bad mum because you have a perfectly normal toddler, so allow yourself to relax and smile and crack on.

And ignoring the stuff you don't like is the best advice.

Bloody hell!! I feel that my life may actually be normal!! Our 2 and a bit is also a deverish at the moment and am broken by it at present. Currently has a thing for screaming MUMMY NOW LOOK!! And have no bloody idea what at!!

Naught step at home does work for us. It is more the time out element that gives breathing space to not loose my cool. Out and about the same, I calmly say we will leave .... I have stood outside for few minutes with my dc many times.
Consistently is important, count to 5, show your hands and count fingers so they can catch on to when they Steve running out of time to shape up or be in time out, good luck.

Agree with the time-out glitter bottle.

Other options:

-Give him "closed" or "secondary" choices. Namely, "no" is not one of the options he gets. He can have A or B, neither of which is "no".
-If you're in a scenario where he's going to have to wait, see if you can bring a "quiet book" or a "busy bag" for him. These are books or bags filled with simple activities (for example, you could have a Ziploc bag filled with coloured craft sticks and matching coloured small cloth bags; he has to sort the coloured sticks into the bags of the matching colour). This can help to keep his attention span going.
-If he has a tantrum, let him have it. Don't try to stop him, just be close. Once he calms down, then carry on with your day.

Does a naughty step really work for a two year old? My 2 year old is very bright and learns quickly but I really don’t think that would work for us. I talk to her about why her behaviour is wrong (very simply!) and she does know how to behave and doesn’t like to be told off.

I’ve never seen the naughty step work with any child, even older ones. I can’t imagine causing feelings of isolation would encourage a two year old to behave. I’ve only seen it make behaviour worse.

No advice but can empathise, I'm going through similar with my 20 month old so I'm interested in responses (I did post a question about this yesterday but only got one response - must be my way with words!).

Thanks so much for the great ideas. I do need to work on staying calm as I find when I actually get cross it makes him worse, he responds far better if I keep it light and breezy. But as we all know, that is easier said than done

I've never heard of a glittery time out, what's that?! googles frantically

The thing with the 'ignore bad behaviour' advice is that it only works in certain situations. For example the other day he kept running over to bits of a park where I couldn't go, because I couldn't take the pushchair. Like a small gap in the trees, or a steep verge. I couldn't ignore that obviously. So I would say STOP, WAIT, clearly and calmly and he just chose to ignore me. I guess the not listening isn't so much being naughty, as being a toddler? But on the other hand, he knows exactly what stop means and chooses to ignore me repeatedly.

Ah sorry to hear that elmo! You are welcome to share my thread

I have a 3 yr old and 18 month old, god help me. I agree that there are situations where you can't ignore, such as buggering about when crossing the road . I go zero tolerance on those. Im usually holding 3 yr olds hand and pushing a pushchair. Swiftly propel to the pavement then hunker down and a stern "we do not mess around in the road. It is not safe." Then, if need be "listen to me, look at me, I'm not playing. No messing in the road, it's dangerous" In the park example you give, I'd say "don't go over there please, I need you to stay near the swing/where i can see you whatever" if continuing "we'll have to go home if you keep going over there where I can't see you. " And follow through. I find giving choices helps. Do you want to walk nicely or sit in the pushchair? When the 3 yr old is sitting on/pushing/pulling the 18 month old "Xxx doesn't like that, pleas stop it......... are you going to get off him, or shall I come and move you?" Praise the good behaviour and distract as much as you can!

The only thing that I've found helps is leaving time for tantrums. Dc can and will lay on the floor in the entrance of the supermarket if I ask him to hold my hand. Getting stressed because I have to be somewhere makes him worse, being calm and acting as though I have all the time in the world for him to roll around seems to make him get up faster.

I agree with offering choices to give them some "control" over their lives, without them "dictating" what happens in the family.

So, at bedtime 'It's bedtime now, do you want to walk upstairs or do you want a carry?'
'One story then sleep, do you want X book or Y?'
'It is time to get dressed now, do you want the green t-shirt or the blue one?'
etc.

When you can, distract. eg Rather than telling off for pulling the cat's tail, say 'Leave the cat alone, do you want to go in the garden or get the trains out in here?'

However, when you Do need to lay down the law (eg the road situation above) then follow through.

Accept most dc will have tantrums and repeat the mantra "It's only a phase"

I have found that ds responds to counting to 3 (or 5 would be better as more time for them to make a decision, hmmm). I also started singing the I don't want to song today (basically me singing I don't want to have a bath / get dressed / go to nursery etc I'd rather play with cars on the floor or whatever, to silliest tune possible) - he might not always respond to it but for now he thinks it's funny and at least diffuses the situation of refusal.
I've found giving some control / negotiation when possible makes it easier to be strict at times when necessary (work in progress).
Food dropped on floor - insisting in the nicest possible way that he picks it up and puts in the correct bin. Praise when he does it (he knows he is not allowed to throw food).

Sitting on / slapping the baby - still don't know how to deal with this. Rescue baby and reprimand.

Ignore when I see the glint in his eye that means he's getting a kick out of being naughty. (Or feel the anger rising inside me and leave the room to cool off).

It's tiring, testing and frustrating but I try to make the most of the good times and cute moments which eclipse the naughtyness.

Agree distraction is your best bet.

E.g. If a tantrum begins, suggest a toy to get out. Or if out and about - "look at that big lorry, what do you think is inside?" Etc.

You can never reason with a tantrum in my experience

Agree with lots of what's on here.

As well as closed choices, I've been having some success with 'natural consequences' eg if you can't play safely then we have to leave the playground. DD (2.3) knows now that I'll follow through, and will often back down right before I carry it out

Mine also responds reasonably well to explanations - I can't let you do that because...

The Aha parenting blog is good on this stuff, as is that book 'how to talk so little kids will listen'.

Something I started doing just last week on holiday which I'd never done and still don't quite know if it sits right with me philosophically is to say - when she was really digging her heels in about not leaving somewhere she wanted to stay - 'you don't want those French children to see you making a fuss do you?'/ 'I don't think you want the French children to see me have to pick you up and carry you outside do you?'. INSTANT compliance. I may have to invent French children everywhere in future

A calming jar or glitter time out jar is a calming tool for children. Essentially you take a jar, add in some glitter, water, and dish soap, and glue the lid on. (You can find recipes online.) The idea is that you can give him the jar to help him calm down.

As far as the baby, is it an option for you to give him a doll to do baby care? While you feed the baby or change the diaper, he can feed or change his "baby". (Doesn't matter that he's a boy. Parentcraft is appropriate for boys and girls.) You absolutely cannot leave him alone with the baby at that age. Another option is to have him play quietly near you when you feed the baby.

you don't want those French children to see you making a fuss do you?'/ 'I don't think you want the French children to see...

big?, good?, kind? I wouldn't go with French.

Thanks all. I'll definitely give the counting to 5 a go. The more I read, the more I think I just need to try and keep a cooler head, tbh.

The glitter thing sounds good but I'm fairly sure when in full force my DS would just throw that on the floor!

That 'how to talk so kids will listen' book is almost a tenner on Amazon, is it worth the £££?

Closed choices / do you want to hold my hand or shall I hold your wrist? Hand or buggy?
Limits - if you go [out of bounds] we're leaving. If you say this you have to carry through with it irrespective of the tantrum that is thrown. They need to know you're serious.
We used time out, it worked for us. In the park, it was time on the bench next to me. Also warning of 5, with hand signals.

I kept the carrier under the buggy incase I needed to contain DS.

Tiffany I think it is worth the £££ but I'm sure your library could order it for you if you wanted to borrow it.

moredoll I was sort of joking. We were in France and she was very taken with it being France, and people being French, etc. So it was useful and kind of amusing in the moment. I won't always rely on the French...