Shall I leave my job after this year?

[lulabelleread]

First thread written here but have been a long time lurker (around 2014 I think) but just wanted some advice as I'm reaching the end of my tether/being able to put a face on. Will try to give as much background as possible so sorry if it's long but I am hoping desperately that someone may come along with a similar experience to shine a light or different perspective/advice.

I've been at my job since beginning of this year. 3 weeks in my DF died suddenly, I was driving, got the call (I am 25 for context and he was late 40s) and managed to make it in time before they pronounced him dead on the street outside, all very traumatic, saw them working on him etc in middle of big crowd. Ended up having 5 weeks off of work here and there, I'm next of kin so have had to sort everything, DB away abroad at uni at the time and DM/DF divorced so she legally can't do anything. When my DF died I went to stay with DM for a few weeks for comfort. At the same time DP and I broke up and I had to move out of our house we bought last year (and now will probs need to sell to split) so has been a stressful year (and one I feel is way beyond my years and capacity in terms of knowing how to deal with it!). Reason for split was due to me developing a short thing with someone I worked with whilst this was going on (although no excuses I know and I feel absolutely sick about it, no amount of apologising has made exDP take this any better or understanding, although I don't quite know why I did it either, I think I just lost all sense of everything in an intense shock period from what I'd seen and seemed to go off on a different planet whilst acting like everything was ok outwardly).
Had some bereavement counselling but with the split at the same time the reason I went got a bit blurred. During this period my DFs exDP launched a legal case against his estate even though they hadn't been in contact for a number of years so we are also going through a legal case.

So the problem at the moment - my job, I love the bones of the job, what I do etc (L&D Manager) but I am physically struggling being in the office everyday. I know I've been lucky to have the 5 weeks off, then the few afternoons for counselling alongside a week in the summer to deal with legal stuff but I am struggling. I haven't processed anything and feel I've been jogging along not really taking it in but all I want to do is lie on the floor and just sleep I am so knackered. I am physically ill every day, stomach issues, have lost about 2 stone, my hair is falling out, I just don't feel with it. I haven't really processed anything and am devastated by both losses but can function on a daily basis with a face on looking fine but the face is hard to put on.

When I write it down it seems like a lot to deal with in a year but I don't know if I just think that because I've had to deal with it or if it is a lot and it's all such a mess. I can't work out if I am suffocating at work as a reaction to what happened or if it's something that I'm focusing on because I can't focus or don't think I have the time to focus on others as my job is full on. Do I take time out of work and focus on re looking next year or is that a mistake to make? I can't work it out at all. What I really want to do is just turn back time and be in last year and this year not happen but I know that's not possible, nor is it possible to run back to DMs to be looked after or have a hug from
DF which I so desperately want so I have to be a grown up and face what is going on. Is this a normal reaction to grief or is it made worse by what I saw? I just can't work any of it out. I miss my DF, my home, DP, my sense of normality and who I was. Any advice from some kindly mumsnetters out there?

That’s a huge amount to be dealing with at any age, the bereavement would be enough tbh without all the other stuff you’ve got going on. No wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Can you pull back at work - only work your contracted hours, take annual leave to reduce your hours for a bit or depending on your sick leave policy take some time off to recover properly? I’d also suggest you go back to counselling - if Work won’t fund more sessions, find someone to work with privately who can help you make sense of it all.

The last thing I’d do is leave your job tbh, there will come a time when the structure and routine will be helpful, so if you can give yourself some space but keep your job, that’s what I’d do.

Thanks for your response. The counselling was through the GP as we are a small independent company and we don't have a counselling process. No one else has had a parent die in the company whilst they've been here so we just had to take it as we go and it's hard not having something strict in place as I don't know what I can/can't do if that makes sense. I have to wait 3 months from end of the NHS sessions I had to reapply and then theres no guarantee I would get another course but I will deffo re apply. I am stand alone HR/L&D so my job is to put these things in place at some point (good learning ground here I know).
I did speak to some independent counsellors but as I am paying 2 mortgages atm (mine and DFs whilst we sort the estate) and all bills I worry about further expenditure incase I end up over stretching myself plus with legal case and selling my house that will come in at some costs. Maybe I am worrying too much.

My DM did suggest cutting back hours but I worry (if I'm not going to leave my job) of talking myself out a job by reducing hours and then them thinking I'm not capable of doing it, if that makes any sense? Sorry I think my head is all over the place

Wouldn't normally advocate this but it sounds like you should visit your gp and ask if they think you should be signed off based on what you've said here. It certainly doesn't sound like you're fit to be working and understandably you need some time to recover.

That is a lot to deal with in a short space of time. I would advise going to your GP and asking for routine bloods to check there’s nothing underlying - it could thyroid related or some sort of bowel issue causing symptoms like stomach problems, weight loss and hair loss? Bloods and further tests would be advisable as some conditions can be triggered by a stressful event. I would also ask to get signed off work with stress for a while to see if time off helps your recovery. I wouldn’t quit just yet as it could be that there’s an underlying cause that is making you ill that could be treated quite easily once it’s found.

Thanks for your responses. I have been to the docs about blood tests but will try and get an appt to go back again, that's a good idea. I just worry about having to ask to take more time off of work. Feeling like a liability to them as this all happened 3 weeks in and I haven't been quite myself since so they definitely haven't seen the best of me, or even 'me' in the true sense!