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Original poster

Have You Turned Down A Marriage Proposal?

19 replies

SayNoToTheRing · 03/09/2018 19:06

DP & I have been together for 3 years & lived together for about a year.
We are both divorced with older DCs.
He did get down on one knee about a year ago but in the moment I thought he’d dropped a pen so it all went a bit wrong. He’s mentioned marriage a lot recently.
Last week he asked his ex when she was going to revert to her maiden name.
I just feel ‘the’ question is coming .
I don’t want to get married but I’m worried about upsetting him

OP posts:

wizzywig · 03/09/2018 19:08

Oh god, i can hear the dread in your voice from here. Maybe start hinting how happy you are not being married

Bananajuice · 03/09/2018 19:09

Ive been with my dp for 8 years now and I made it clear from the start I don't want to get married. It's not that I don't love him it's just I see no need and the thought of a wedding just bores me. I think you have to be honest and say how your feeling

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 03/09/2018 19:10

Could you engineer a conversation where you talk about marriage as a decision two people come to together, not insitigated by one of them?

Is there anything particular holding you back from wanting to marry him?

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Relationship problems

user764329056 · 03/09/2018 19:12

Yes, 6 of them!

Original poster

SayNoToTheRing · 03/09/2018 19:19

I love him. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel cherished.
As wishy washy as it sounds I’m just not sure.
I was married for 27 years so I wonder if it’s a hangover from that.

OP posts:

Gwenhwyfar · 03/09/2018 19:20

user - 6 different men or the same man asking you 6 times? How do yo do it?

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/09/2018 20:57

I am firmly in the camp of micro yesses before a proper proposal. It should be something you discuss informally. Pillow talk. Surnames, wedding ideas, how you see married life. Things like that.

A proposal shouldn't just come out of the blue imho. It's a proposal after all. What are they proposing? What are their expectations of marriage?

DP and I have spent the last 4 years discussing our thoughts on marriage and he's going to be popping the question soon too. He knows already I'm in favour of it.

My ex didn't discuss anything with me and I wasn't happy about getting married. He asked me and I said yes because his parents were in the next room waiting to hear the happy news and I felt pressured into it.

Later on I declined. He asked me another 10 times or something and I kept saying no. I wasn't happy with the terms he proposed. I didn't want his surname. I didn't like many of his expectations.

So my advice is, bring it up now. Talk about it. It shouldn't be the elephant in the room. You're grown adults so nothing should be off limits.

Tell him you're so happy to be in a relationship but say you married once and that was enough for you.

MadamBatty · 03/09/2018 21:07

If you were married 27 years, you must be 50 plus? I’d think about finances first, do you have more assets than him?

Cold as it sounds if you married & then sit up would you be financially worse off than you are now?

Ariclock · 03/09/2018 21:15

Personally in your situation I wouldn't get married unless you have nothing to lose financially.

Ohyesiam · 03/09/2018 21:17

Can you not weave into the conversation that being married once was enough?

MadamBatty · 03/09/2018 21:21

Or you could do what a mate did. She had a pagan ‘wedding’. With a big party. No registrar so obviously no legally binding

Original poster

SayNoToTheRing · 03/09/2018 21:37

I’m 46 - got married very young first time round

OP posts:

Littlepond · 03/09/2018 21:42

Yes I turned down a marriage proposal as I thought I was too young - boyfriend proposed on my 22nd birthday. It wasn’t entirely out of the blue, we did have conversations about being together forever (but doesn’t everyone in late teens / early 20s?!) and had talked about the future but a proposal on my birthday wasn’t what I’d expected...

The relationship didn’t last, it was all a bit weird and awkward after that. I think it made me realise i didn’t want to be with him after all...

TheOnlyAletheia · 03/09/2018 21:57

I was proposed to when I was 21 and it made me realise that I didn’t want to stay with the person and needed to move on.

CallMeOnMyCell · 03/09/2018 22:01

Yes I have and it was the worst day of my life. I didn’t say no but said we needed to talk about it before I said yes. DP was devastated. If I could go back in time and just say yes I would

Bunnybigears · 03/09/2018 22:02

I was proposed to by a guy at University when I was 18, I said no mostly because I didnt love him but also it came with the expectation we would move and live witg his mother in Ghana.

user764329056 · 03/09/2018 22:05

6 different men, was all loved up every time but in cold light of day couldn’t imagine spending my life with anyone, am definitely commitment phobic

ButtonMirror · 03/09/2018 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Gardai · 03/09/2018 22:23

Ive turned down 3
First one I was too young (18) and just headed to university
Second I didn’t see the point, we were engaged because he got me a ring but I told him I didn’t want to marry immediately but it seemed to encourage him
Third, I actually ended the relationship as I saw we were on different planets. I had my back turned to him on a romantic evening in the dark in front of a fire when he proposed and I remember thinking “oh fuck”.

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