Are we being unreasonable

[Monday2018]

Our mum took both her sisters in when their husbands past away. Despite her one sister having children of her own, all the running around for the past 10 years (shopping, hospital , doctors, hair appointments) were done by us as the sisters children never offered to help despite us mentioning such appointments. All maintenance on our mums house was also done by us alone and no help what so ever from the sisters children.

We also believe that all the bills were being paid by our mum, with the exception of £50 a week towards food shopping.

Our mum had to go into hospital and so we suggestion that the one sisters children should take her back to theirs to give our mum a rest after surgery. They did this and the past few weeks have been awful, our mum past and her other sister whom had no children both past away in the same week. We have said to the remaining sisters children that their mum is a venerable women who needs love and care now.

However, they have since contacted us saying that they have no room or do not want her at theirs. The other is saying their house is not good enough for her, etc. We are obviously upset hearing that they feel this way about their own mother, when they do have spare bedroom which could accommodate her.

We are left with a dilemma and concerned for our Auntie at such a sad time. We are worried what will happen to her. Is it really our responsibility to take their mother in or leave her move back into our mums house? If she moves back into our mums house, we are also concerned that they will leave all the running around again to us when we now need to start living our own lives.

That's a horrid situation to be in. I'm so sorry for your loss. Grieving for your mother and aunt while dealing with nasty relatives is very unpleasant. I hope you have some good friends and family around you too.

You obviously aren't obliged to help your surviving aunt out any further but it sounds like her children are reluctant to step up to the plate and you can't require them to. You know the score here really though, don't you? You either take your aunt back or play brinkmanship with her children and look into what the welfare state will provide. You can't make her children be like you are. Decide what you're prepared and want to do and do that and no more, you can't spend your whole life running around after other people.

Sorry about your Mum and aunt.

What does your surviving aunt want? Is she able to rent? I know it's sounds heartless and I suppose it is, but I would take steps to sell you Mum's house and tell the surviving aunt she will need to rent somewhere. If you blink in the face of your cousins, they will ignore you all - if they can ignore their Mum, they certainly have the mentality to ignore you.

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss

These people are complete and utter piss takers, they have done nothing but take advantage of you and your mother. Do NOT take her back, you will be left to pay for her and look after her. Simply say "tough shit, you have had it good for far too long". Don't confuse walking away and making them face their responsibilities with turning your have on your aunt, you can still be a good niece, you can visit, take her out, call her, be there for her and you can do all of that without her living in your mother's house. Do NOT be guilted into this, you will become her carer

So sorry for you loss. Such a difficult time for you but when they say they can’t have their own mother and that their house isn’t suitable then just respond by telling them that they will have to make alternative arrangements for her then. She is their mother. You have gone above and beyond and will end up seriously out of pocket so no, do not let her move back into your mums house -is it to be sold? You won’t be able to do that if you let her back and who will pay for the bills?- in answer to your question it is NOT your responsibility to take their mother in. Stand firm.

You need to talk plainly to her children and tell them she is not your responsibility but theirs and they will have to take her in now and sort something else further down the line. Don't let he back into the house, change the locks. Her children will try to dump her on you.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I don't think your cousins are obligated to take their mum in to live with them, but it is their responsibility (not yours) to help her sort out alternative accommodation. It's up to her and then what form this might take.

Did your DM rent or own her house?

Does your aunt have any legal right to reside in your mother's house? Was it rented or owned - if so by whom?

If your mother owned the house and has left it to anyone other than your aunt, then can your aunt even go back there?

So sorry for your sad losses in such a short time.

Did your mother leave a will, and, if so who inherits the house? Your aunt may not have any legal right to reside there now your mother has passed. Regardless of your cousins trying to avoid their responsibilities for your aunt/their mother, she is their concern. Please do not let her move back into your late mother’s house.

It is dependent on your Mothers Will.

If there was never a break in her claiming (pension/on the Council Tax etc) to live there, then you have to give her notice. You cannot just refuse to let her back, morally or legally.

Forcing her out could kill her. How old is she and how is her health?

Strictly speaking you don't have to do anything for her, you can refer her to SS.

Thanks for all your messages and support, as we also feel we have gone above and beyond, but that their mother is ultimately her childrens responsibility. She will always be our Auntie, but we should not be her carer.

No, she had no legal right over our Mums house. Our mum paid all the bills, Council tax, water, gas, elec, etc. This also is upsetting as we expected the bills to have been shared 3 ways, as they were all living there and using the gas, elec, etc.

Prior to our mum taking in our Auntie, our Auntie used to rent a house, but one of her children then decided to buy that house and move themselves into that house. Hence the reason our mum took her in.

It's a sad situation

However sad, do not let yourself be blackmailed into letting your aunt move back in-you will never get her out and will be looking after her physically and financially until she dies. Time for her own children to step up to the plate. If they won't let her live with them they will have to sort something else out for her.

DO NOT BE GUILT TRIPPED INTO TAKING HER BACK!

Time for you to live your own life without the burden of caring for an elderly relative. Get the house on the market ASAP.

Thanks MsJolly. Its good to get independent views. Your sentence in capitals is exactly right and it's how they are making us feel, when really we know we have nothing to feel guilty for.

Get angry if you have to and make it clear to her children that, you are not responsible for their mother, they are.
Don't let them place this on you, you have just lost your own Mum and don't need this.

Definitely don’t move the aunt back into your mother’s house!

So sorry for your losses and your shitty relatives. They are behaving appallingly.

It is their job to sort accommodation for their mother, if it’s not in their homes that’s fine but it’s not up to you to sort it for them.

That may sound harsh but they are not considering you so don’t consider them.

Is your aunt unable to make decisions for herself? One thing that strikes me here is that she seems not to be taking any responsibility for herself and hasn't since her husband died. If she is already suffering from dementia or the like that is not unreasonable, but otherwise, is it really up to her children? What has she done and said about the situation?

BoomBoomsCousin. No, our surviving Aunt does not have dementia. I guess you are right, she has left all responsibility for herself to our mum and us.