Juggling older parents and family life

[LusaCole]

My PILs live about 2 hours' drive away, so not a massive trek, but too far to go just for the day. DH has one brother who lives abroad.

We usually see the PILs for a weekend once every few weeks. We have three DC, aged between 8 and 12. When the DCs were little, we would sometimes go to the PILs and they would sometimes come to us. These days the DCs have sports commitments at the weekends that they prefer not to miss, so the PILs usually come to us (except in the school holidays).

Recently, my PILs considered moving much closer to us. They even looked at a couple of properties about 10-15 mins from us, but in the end decided they didn't want to move. Of course that is absolutely their decision, but I think they need to accept that this means they will see less of us than if they moved, yes?

FIL is 79 and his health has deteriorated over the last couple of years (before then he was very fit and healthy for his age). They have now said that they can't come and visit us any more as 2 hours in the car is too much for him. They would like us to go and visit them instead.

What is a good compromise here? I don't think it's fair to expect the DC to miss their sports matches - and it's letting the rest of the team down as well. But obviously we can't ask FIL to make the trip if it is very uncomfortable for him.

Any suggestions? At the moment I can't think how to approach this!

Meet for days/afternoons out in the middle?

I think all you can do is keep an open offer to help them move. I have had elderly relatives who didn't want to move and they just had to get on with it most of the time as visits weren't very frequent.

I don't think FIL would find that very comfortable either - drive for an hour, spend a day or afternoon out, drive back for another hour.

I'm in the same situation with my elderly parents in their 90s . Im 2 hrs inc a ferry trip away . It is hard isnt it ? , I dont have young children any more but Ive only just recently gone P/T and i know they have started to expect me to go and see them on at least one of my days off . ( like today , but I've 'avoided ' phoning them).

the trouble is when I do go we just 'sit'..it snot that they cant do stuff , but they just dont and they have got really quite depressed.

Quite frankly it does make me feel guilty I havent started going more often , and that I am so far away , and that I want to do some of my own thing on my days off ... my 50+ brother does live at home still, (but he is as bad as them )

I feel for you . there are no easy answers

Thanks for the empathy Laska. It is so hard isn't it!

Is the train or bus/coach an option for them to travel to you? What does your OH suggest? Does he worry about it too?

We're starting to a similar situation. Both sets of DGPs are about 1 & a half to 2 hours away & so it takes up a whole day of the weekend to just go & have lunch & sit & talk.

It sounds horribly selfish but as a family we're all really active & starting to find it more difficult to put aside this time.

I know it sounds awful but when you both work full time days off are precious.

It’s very hard, my sibling moved away from my home town and I partly stayed as I felt I couldn’t leave too. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy their company and they’ve helped with childcare but I realise that I will be
called on to help a lot more in the coming years and I think because I’m so close there’s the potential for them to rely far too much on me. I’m yet to see how this will play out but just wanted to say that there likely to be as many problems being close as being far away.

With your kids sports I think you’re just going to need to plan ahead, get dates booked in in advance when there’s no matches or just friendlies and go for a day only or just 4 of you go up and 3 the next time etc. They will have to accept that all yours lives can’t revolve around them as tough as it seems.

Your kids come first....and your PILs need to understand that. And they need to understand that, while it's absolutely their decision whether or not to move, this has implications for how often they see you.

I don't think coach would be any better than car, it's not the driving that's the problem (MIL could drive) but the sitting still in a not-very-comfy seat for a long period. And train would be a big hassle (not a direct line).

Yes, DH worries about this too.

Yipee for reasons I don't really understand it seems to be impossible to find out in advance when there won't be a match. I've tried but it never seems to get finalised until a few days beforehand!

Thanks for the responses. I'm glad to hear that I don't seem to be being unreasonable / unusual to not want to go very often.

Is the train or bus/coach an option for them to travel to you?

I was going to suggest that.

IL also do longer than weekend visits - Thursday night to Monday or Tuesday mornings - which brings it's own issues but does mean there is more of a space between journeys.

My parents are also 2 hours away, and weekends together, either at ours or theirs have become impossible for different reasons. For me, the answer lies with the very first thing you said was not a possibility: driving there and back in one day. It makes for a very rushed day, but we are there for longer than the 4 hours we are driving, so, as far as I am concerned, that makes it worthwhile. It isn't ideal, but needs must?

Similar issue here, DM isn't elderly as such and can still drive, but she's chosen to move a 4-5 hour drive away to live near DSis, and is upset that she doesn't see me much! She has driven down once but hated it, and refuses point blank to use public transport. To be fair she doesn't go on about it but it does make me wonder what she thought would happen when she decided to live so far away, I work full time in a really stressful job, DH works away a lot and we have a dog in the mix too. She's talked about moving back to be closer to me (I think she has the idea that I should look after her in later years as I have no children), but says then she would miss her GCs!

Some good ideas here, thank you.

Dumbledoresgirl I hadn't really considered doing the trip in one day. It doesn't appeal but maybe you're right that it's the lesser of several evils!

Also Yipee's suggestion that sometimes only part of the family goes.

I guess the message I'm getting from this thread is that I need to be a bit more flexible and do different things depending on what works best each time (rather than the "fixed" system we've had in the past).

OK, I can do that! not a control freak at all

The reality is, you have a young family. And your children have teams and friends and lives, as do you, and you can't drop everything and skip everything to spend lots of weekends driving to see your inlaws. It's not reasonable, and it's not sensible: I presume you work, too. You will be exhausted very quickly from trying to do this.

The best solution, if they are upset at not seeing you enough AND are refusing/unable to come see you any more, is for them to move closer.

If they won't move, they'll have to live with the consequences. OR your DH will have to go and visit his parents more often by himself. He can't expect you and the children to wipe themselves out and miss their events because his parents won't move and won't/can't visit themselves.

He needs to have this conversation with them, btw, not you. He needs to emphasise that things have clearly changed, and they need to reconsider their position You are all willing to help them move closer, and possibly downsize if the thought is overwhelming for them (could be a major factor if you think about it), but that your family cannot do all the running about when you already have full schedules. They are retired. YOU two are working and have young children with commitments. THey are the ones who need to be more flexible here if they want to see you.

Beware I agree with everything you have said. I think DH feels really bad about saying it to them though. Yes, I do work (although not full time).

Also, it's a right pain if he goes by himself as I then have to drag all three DC around to all the sporting activities that any one of them is doing (the 12yo can be left at home alone for a couple of hours but the other two are a bit young). And I have to do it all too (usually DH and I divide it between us). My fault for having sporty kids!

So do you think it's fair to put a bit of pressure on them to move closer? I feel bad about that too! (They've lived in their current house for over 40 years.)

I think part of the problem is that they think this is a temporary state of affairs and FIL will soon be feeling better. I think that's unrealistic though

My PIL's live in the next town so not too bad for traveling, and we have grown up children. BUT we have grandchildren we look after regularly, jobs, things to do etc. We do see them a lot but we wanted them to move to perhaps sheltered housing nearby, they had suggested it, btw, not that we were trying to force them into it!
However, they didn't want to in the end, which is fair enough . Lately there has been a lot of health issues which means we've had to drop everything and go over and help sort things out. Dealing with doctors, adult social care and care agencies has been a nightmare, and we're doing it from a relatively close distance. When/ if that happens to your parents, it's much worse from a 2 hour distance.

My in laws won't move now, they're too old and it would be too upsetting for dad to move. Ask your in laws what would happen if they had a fall/ couldn't get out due to bad weather/ one of them was in hospital requiring the other to come in and visit them? The visits now are one thing, but if they need more help on a regular basis what can you do?
I'd revisit the moving option but if they don't want to ( perfectly understandable) I'd advise you to have a chat about the " what if" scenario. Much better to discuss it before it's needed, rather than scrabbling round trying to find solutions in an emergency. Trust me, I've been there. Good luck.

I do feel sorry for the "sandwich" generation like yourself.

I think perhaps as regards the children's sports (which I assume are Saturday morning/afternoon rather than Sunday), perhaps you could all drive down later in the day so you're there Saturday night and all day Sunday.

(Also, I appreciate the "not letting the side down" aspect but I really can't imagine the various sports teams expect every child to be available every week?)

We changed from us all going, to just one of us once the DC had their own commitments at weekends. The DC still visited sometimes in the school holidays when sports etc weren't happening.

It's really hard though, keeping everyone happy and not feeling as though you spend most of your weekend on the motorway.

We are just starting to think about this...my PIL can still do the journey but prefer not to and I have begun to say ‘no’ to whole weekends because of the chaos it causes. It’s nearly 2 hours and it’s fine (arrive mid-morning after a weekday time start and leave after an early supper (and baths for DSs as 2 and 5).

We do also try to have a week away with them each summer. Would that be bearable?

My DM is thankfully still very much getting around under her own steam (5 years older than DPIL but always has been more independent). But I will go alone to see her if everyone’s busy.

We are a 2hr drive away from my in-laws. We go for day trips. Leave 9am, arrive there at back of 11am. Stay for lunch, afternoon, tea, bath younger kids and into jammies then on the road home by 7.30-8pm and home by 10pm. It's a long day but means we still have a weekend day at home and can get caught up with all the usual washing, cleaning, food shopping etc or do activities/take kid's to birthday parties etc on the remaining day of the weekend.

My dad lives a couple of hours away, so I sympathise, OP. My DM died a couple of years ago and we’ve been trying to encourage my dad to move closer to us so we can help him more as he gets older. We have a young DC and we both work as well, have weekend commitments, etc. My dad makes all the right noises about moving, but keeps finding a reason not to. I’m worried that he’ll be too old to move if he leaves it much longer. You can only do what you can do, OP. We do day trips to visit my dad as it’s a faff to stay overnight. Means a lot of driving in one day, but also means we get a day at home on the weekend to catch up, IYSWIM.

I don't disagree with what anyone on this thread has said, quite natural that your DCs have their own interests and difficult to spend whole days of the weekend travelling to ILs etc.

I'd just sound a note of caution about pushing the 'if you want to see us move closer to us' line - I have some relatives with a young family who did exactly that with their parents - the parents took them at their word and moved cross-country from a large town in the North East where they had lived all their lives, had a huge network of friends, acquaintances, church, hobbies and access to good public transport to semi-rural SE (village with one bus a day type arrangement), where their daughter had moved for work and to be with her DH. It was a disaster all round. The parents felt that as they'd purely moved to be with/near their family they should be with them ALL THE TIME, expected to spend all weekend every weekend and some days in the week together, and developed virtually no lives of their own in the new place. The daughter encouraged them to go to church, take up hobbies, socialise etc but they 'were too old to start over again'. As they were really close to the family now they also expected that any little errands or help they needed would be immediately forthcoming. The mother didn't drive (previously went everywhere on the bus) and the father was nervous on the country roads and unfamiliar locations so they wanted lifts everywhere. Hostility arose esp with the husband whose ILs they were and who wanted some time to see his own family etc. and not always be running around after them...

The parents were previously self-sufficient and active 70 somethings, went to being elderly and dependant virtually overnight which was quite sad to see. I think secretly they hugely regretted the move and were homesick for their old town, but were too proud to admit it. They downsized to a flat from their old family home at the same time and I think this contributed too...

Not saying this would happen to you at all OP, just to be careful in assuming that them coming to you would solve the problem, it's not always easy for older people to simply up sticks.

I feel for you OP we are on the edge of being in the same position.

With one set of parents, they will occasionally come over, or we wait until school holidays/half term and go for 2-3 days mid week. This means that at least we get to spend time with them, go somewhere different, etc ( there's a lot to do where they live).
With the others, staying over is not really possible, we could stay in the local travelodge if necessary, but not ideal. So day trips are all we can do. At the moment they visit every few weeks but when it gets too much I'm dreading the expectation that we'll be going over there every other weekend - I think we'll have to limit it to once a month, although I'll feel guilty about this.

One thing I'll say though, I know people who've moved to be close to children/grandchildren and really regretted it. They've had to build up friendships and community from scratch and really struggled. Similarly the children have really felt the pressure to spend a lot of time with parents (that they don't really have as they work full time etc). So them moving closer may not be the answer either.

Good advice, NoIsA. I'm going to talk to DH tonight about this. I think we need to be upfront with the PILs.