If you were brought up by a single parent...

[lrh3891]

...What was your childhood like? Did you feel you missed out because you didn't have the other parent around all the time (or at all)?

Or if you are a single parent now, what would your best pieces of advice be to someone (me!) starting that journey? My ex has moved out, and I am trying to comfort myself from the sadness by planning practicalities, logistics and ways in which I can give my dc (who is 2) a happy childhood, and set them up to be a happy, well adjusted adult.

Basically I am trying to stop myself panicking that my dc will suffer from being raised by a single mum. Although ex will be around and actively involved, dc will live with me 100% at least for the time being. I grew up with happily married parents and lots of siblings, so I REALLY worry that my poor DC will be lonely with just me around :(

I am going back to work full time soon. Like, 8:30-5 and then occasionally a few hours in the evening (from home) as well.

Single, full time working parents...how the fuck do you manage to juggle everything without neglecting your child's needs, under-performing at work, living in a shit tip of a house that never gets cleaned or having literally no time whatsoever to yourself??

I guess, basically, I am panicking. Please, help me! I would be so grateful for tips, hacks, wisdom and insights.

My sis and I were raised by a single Mum, saw Dad on a Sunday at his Mums for Sunday dinner.
We had a nice life, the house was a lot happier and calmer with just us three. Mum worked Two jobs and we did pretty well in school, and turned out quite well adjusted.
Clear out all unneccesay stuff our house was always tidy, we didn't have loads of junk. Mum had a pretty strict routine she washed clothes the same day each week, and cooked from scratch basic meals every night. Things, like sausage, veg and potatoes, or pork chops and mash and veg. Nothing took longer than about 30 minutes. She made more longwinded stuff on her days off.

I was brought up by my mum and she told me my dad was dead. She never wanted to talk about him to me.
This made me desperately sad. All my friends had dad's but I didn't. My mum was always busy cooking and cleaning and working nights at the hospital.
However when I was about 10, a step dad came into our lives. He beat my mum and my sister's and played emotional mind games with me.
Life before he came along seemed infinitely preferable than having this man in our lives.

At age 24 I found my real dad was alive and we met up. I'm 41 now and I love him to pieces. My mum had no right to keep him from me. I'll never get those years back.

Unless your ex is violent, let your children have their father is my advice.

Sorry I think I triggered out a bit... So sorry! If ex DP is a good man and will be actively involved, you won't have any problems.

I was a single mum for 5 years and it was actually better than being miserable with my ex.

I have 3 siblings we grew up without a Father - his choice. The youngest was, I believe, two when he left.

Children 1&3 missed him and wanted their Dad in their lives.
Children 2&4 never missed him and were happy to plod along.

Every situation is different. You sound like a good Mum who is putting their child’s needs first. Carry on.

It's all about what you make if it.
My best memories are of my mum dancing around the house with the hoover and the music blaring whilst we played or helped out, or snuggling up on sofa or visits to grans house, all this before violent step dad came along.
Yes I missed my dad but I did have him in my life and would go on holidays with my step family, regularly sleep over and spend time at Christmas etc there.
Could not imagine my parents as a couple, they are so unbelievably different.
I always felt I had best of both worlds and all of us are very close as siblings, it bonded us more.

I've been a single mum for nearly 9 years, since dd was 4. Some days I'm excellent, other days I am very much less so.
House wise: try and stay organised is easier than doing a big clean. Keep on top of things as far as possible but those nights where you are just shattered, sleep. When you need to clean, or chill, or just be a bit brain dead, put on cbeebies. Do not feel guilty about this.
Dd used to like supermarket trips so we used to go early on a weekend to get that done.
Clean the bathroom when dc is in the bath.

It gets easier. If your ex is sharing the load that will help - my ex used to and I'd have all these plans. Instead, I'd go to bed on a Friday night and sleep for 48 hours!

I’m a single parent to Dd (14), it’s been just us for a while now. I work FT and have a little help from her dad.She was in nursery from 8-5 early on, as a necessity which I found hard, and she loved..
I survive by having a weekly meal plan during term time, three weeks of meals that are fresh, quick and where possible can be doubled up and frozen.
I have an ironing evening for essentials to be done-work/school uniform etc
I do one thing a day for me- a cup of tea listening to music of my choice for 15 mins or a hot bath- it may not be much, but it helps 🙂
I do food shopping online for convenience and budgeting
Cleaning is now done with my daughter, she earns her allowance by helping. When she was smaller I’d do downstairs one week, upstairs the other ( my house is little) and make sure bathroom and kitchen done weekly, too. I teach so term time is hectic, with not much time to myself, work coming home etc. School holidays are a different way of life..
If Dd is at her dads I will go for a walk or swim if I can...Or I would whack on some loud music & clean. At least Once a month I make sure I see friends, this would be with DD when she was smaller and not at ex’s
It is lonely sometimes and I’m sure she’s bored sometimes, whereas with a bigger family this may not be the case.
But, she is loved and I hope she has learned how to manage a home, budget, cook etc from working with me, she is articulate and humorous and really values her friends as well as the importance of a Disney film and microwave popcorn.
We manage because we have to...I found my survival and sanity depends on my routine being as organised as possible so I’m not having to spend free time on things that I don’t enjoy, and a plan in the early days gave me much comfort.
There may be lonely or crummy days up ahead, but there will be the most amazing adventures with your DC, too and you’ll be a real team.

My childhood was a bit East Germany while my parents were married, as soon as mum divorced dad and he finally moved out the Berlin Wall came down. The house was no longer effectively split in two, we were no longer treading on egg shells, I was no longer stuck listening to my parents arguing. We were no longer relying on my dad to get up and go to work when he felt like it, or loosing money to the pub, so we finally bought new clothes, went on holidays and had a social life. If my parents hadn't divorced I dread to think what would have happened to all of us.

I am a single parent ex is nc with Ds.

I am extremely close to my Ds. At times it is really tough. The no one actually cares like you do is tough but other than that it is great .

I was brought up by 2 abusive parents my ds’s life is far better.

I would also say if you can make plans of how to co parent then all the better

This is a great idea for a thread. Thank you.

Thank you all for the advice! Firstly, @SwordToFlamethrower . Sorry to hear of your experience. Rest assured that my ex will most certainly not be kept from our child, and is most certainly not violent.

I think it's the work I'm most worried about. My DC goes to bed at 6:30, if I am at work until 5, i will hardly see them at all during the day. DC is already at nursery and LOVES it, but it's a long day for a 2 year old.

I was brought up by my mother and step dad . Overall I had a decent childhood. My mother cared for her children (2 siblings lived with our father) as did my dad. I have issues with stuff from my childhood and certainly a part of that was the fact that I was not permitted to establish a good father daughter relationship with my father. 1 weekend in 3 simply does not create this.

Does this mean I was deprived? no.. Does it mean it was wrong for my parents to divorce? No.. It means my childhood was different to my friends whose parents remained together. Not bad different.

I loved it. I love my mum more than words and admire her so much. Me and DTs never felt we were going out or missed out on anything.

I lived with my dad, and went to various relatives after school everyday, including my Mum two days after school til evening and overnight 2 Saturdays out of 3. I have a good relationship with all my family (although less so my mum) and a fantastic relationship with my dad now.

People have often commented on the weird setup but for me it was just what happened. I knew who picked me up on a Monday, Tuesday etc. I think having a routine was what made me feel secure, rather than what the routine was made up of.

My little brother on the other hand (different dad) has a rubbish dad who is inconsistent and often doesn't show up at short notice, and I feel so sorry for the poor boy.

My mother was a single mother and we lived with my grandmother. I had a happy childhood in a quiet, peaceful home with no conflict, violence or rows. We were all very close and I felt safe and happy.

Then as with a previous poster...the man who mother married came into our lives and changed everything. We moved from gran's house, I was pushed out, mother stopped talking to me, she was stressed realising she'd married an idiot and worried about money and being pregnant and trying hard not to admit she had made a mistake. I disliked him a lot and was proved right as the years went on. But at the time I got it in the neck for all of her frustrations with him and her unhappy marriage. My teenage years were awful, and half siblings arriving meant I was even more ignored and neglected, mother was emotionally unavailable. She had been a happy person when I was a child. I saw later when an adult that she was unwell, depressed and anxious, under extreme pressure and thought she had thrown her life away.

So put your child first if you meet someone new, spend lots of time together to form very strong bonds, talk to him and listen to him. He adores you and that is too precious a thing to lose to a random male. Choose future partner/relationships very carefully and include your son in the whole situation. Children see and know more than you think. Sometimes they get things wrong or don't understand but communication is key to clear up any misunderstandings. A 3rd person in your life will throw dynamics up in the air and could cause the child a lot of unspoken anxiety as he has had mum to himself for years and knows nothing else.

However in your case OP the father is around so that is a good balance and a support to your son. My grandmother was my saviour and without her support I would have gone under.

It was tough.

I had a very stressed out, anxious, temperamental parent.

I'm not sure how much of that was down to being a single parent (I'm an only child) and how much was their natural personality.

I have no doubts it was hard for them, but I do have a lot of bitterness related to my childhood.

I am an only child and was raised by a single mother. Contact with my dad was sporadic and I went NC when I was 11.

I genuinely never gave it a second thought. My best friend at school also had divorced parents.

My family on my mum's side were all really close and I was always round at grandparents and cousins houses. We didn't have any money but I was happy growing up.

I'm a single parent now but my DS's dad is a good man unlike mine and DS has a good relationship with him.

I am and only child with an only dc. Separated.

I jump through hoops to ensure dc sees xh. Not great as I’ve not received a penny of financial help (was also pretty much self funding when married). I swallow shit but I do my best to protect dc from my feelings.

Dc loves his dad but equally sees that he doesn’t call when dc is sick and it’s all about him. Kids aren’t stupid.

The thing I struggle most with is holidays. Dc sees siblings in a pool and he’s too shy to join in. He feels different as an only child. Get around this by doing city holidays.