Message from my dad - what to do??

[Cheeselover23]

So I am 18 years old and I have never known my dad. He's never gotten in touch despite knowing how to contact me.
He messaged a few weeks back saying he's thought about messaging me and to get in touch with him if I want to.
This leaves the ball in my court but I don't know what to do.
On the one hand why bother talking to him now, when I've got my own life, but also that's my dad and I would like to just know who he is.
He's got another daughter, who is currently to young to talk to but I am planning on it in the future.
I also know he hasn't been a good person and I'm not sure if I want to be around that when I've had such a tough year.
The reason why I don't know whether to leave it until I've talked to the daughter or do it now is because I'm about to be around the town where he lives a lot and I don't want to bump into him and be totally unprepared at least if I message him I can think about everything in detail before saying anything and ask for advice if needed.
I was just wondering if anybody has advice? Thanks in advance x

He sounds a coward to be leaving it up to you like that.

I’d message him. As you say, you don’t want to awkwardly bump into him and you can assess whether you want to continue contact after he has replied.

I think I might thank him for his message and ask if there is any particular reason why hes initiated contact.

Im guessing if you might soon be potentially bumping into him, you may as well have some sort of relationship (on your terms) of as little as you choose.

@SpottingTheZebras thank you for your reply - he's definitely a coward! I think I just needed someone else to say that I should say something to him so thank you x

Thank you @Kezzie200 that's a good suggestion. I don't think he's the type of person who would like being asked such a direct question though, my mum asked why I would want to talk to him and at first I just thought I needed answers as to why so long and why now but I was told that he probably won't answer those questions and he might get angry at them

Mine did same, at same age - two stepbrothers and I've one biological sister. One stepbrother lives thousands of miles away, other is a psychiatric inpatient, sister refuses to meet dad. None of his family or mine talk to him. I was brought up with my sister but his wife and stepsons I've never met and they don't want to meet me. We live within 20 miles of each other and I admit that part does concern me a bit.

I did give my dad time... a lot of time.... I wish I hadn't, every day I wish he'd never come looking. He's a very unpleasant man and has said things to me in the last ten years that are absolutely dreadful and abusive.

I didn't have a good childhood or adolesence, my mum always said he was xyz, did xyz, I think I needed to see it for myself if that makes sense? Unfortunately I rather wish I hadn't given him space to tell me his opinions. It rather compounded how I already felt and I ended up in a bad way (depression and anxiety).

If you do send him an email do you have support about you? Does your mum know (if that's an option?) , or a friend? Some counselling might even help a bit before you make any big decisions. If you can start off neutral too that might help.

DM me any time if you like (I NC all the bloody time but I'm about).

Was he paying child maintenance?
If not, was he avoiding being found until you were over 18 and he wouldn’t have to pay (given you then might know where he lived?)

Why not suggest that you get to know each other a bit before you meet face to face, perhaps speak on the phone or email one another?

That's a sort of safe half way house for you, CheeseLover where you can tell a little about what he is like without getting too involved. Leave all the running to him to see how keen he really is.

Remember that you can always walk away if things turn in a direction that you do not like.

It goes without saying that you could be hurt by his actions, and that you should do your best to protect yourself. But if you do nothing, you will have no answers at all and you might regret that in the future.

Thank you for your story @adpnausea that's exactly what I'm being warned of by family but same as you I feel I need to find it out for myself.
I decided as soon as he got in contact that I wouldn't willingly meet face to face until I'd spoken online to him for around 6months to a year as I want him to prove the commitment.
The child maintenance thing did come up as well as he hasn't ever paid any, but he did get in contact with my sister who isn't 18 soon after so we're hoping that he just tried to keep his distance as he wasn't sure what to do and my name was easier to find perhaps. Another reason could be he's experienced bereavement and that could have made him want to become a dad to us.
Thank you all for your replies and your suggestions. It's really helped me and I am really grateful

It was partly child maintenance with my dad unfortunately. I was 17 and 8 months when he waltzed back in... He's never actually explained properly why he left it so long, said he wasnt comfortable doing so. All the answers I needed about my childhood no-one can give me if that makes sense.

I left it 10 years before we met which seems crazy but I couldn't have done it before... If you do meet up I would see if someone can come with you and maybe even if you go for a coffee if that person meets you after? That's what I wish I could have had, I had to walk home alone which wasn't too pleasant, I could have done with a debrief!

It might go v differently for you and by no means am I saying dont do it , just be wary and make sure you tell another person who you can trust and rely on for help and support. Remember your happiness is most important - you don't owe your dad anything, its not an obligation etc.

I do have someone who has said they'll definitely come with me and I wouldn't go without them I think, they've gone travelling for a few months anyway so I wouldn't arrange to meet him until this person is back to come with me.
I am just so scared of bumping into him and being askedabout anyone in my family as I've been told by everyone that they don't want me to say anything about them, not even "they're okay" if he asks how they are kind of thing. At least online I can think more about my replies and if he asked me something I'm less likely to word vomit or forget and just say something (I hope) and then I could be better trained for meeting him as I'd already be in the habit of changing the topic or dodging whatever's being said.
As I'll be in the town where he lives most days during the week I know there is a very real risk of bumping into him, even if I just went for a coffee somewhere it's so possible as as far as I'm aware he doesn't work so probably just wanders all day.
It's just so hard and whenever someone in real life asks me why I want to talk to him I can't put it into words.
I've spoken to someone who has known their dad but lost contact and now wants to talk again before he dies. And I know someone who's adult children reached out to them and he's basically said he just doesn't have time for them which I'm scared could happen if he got in a new relationship or fathered another child but I'm invested in the relationship by then kind of thing.
I just keep thinking of all the possibilities and I'm prepared for the worst, I don't think it would make it hurt less if I was totally rejected but it could come as less of a shock and it could stop me wondering. And then the little girl in me who always wanted a dad because that's what the other kids had and I was already weird might stop screaming at me to go for it.
Sorry for the rambling 😬

You have a large number of people making demands on you, no wonder you are in turmoil. Not fair on you really given him being your dad wasnt a choice you ever had any input in.

You are currently thinking if, but, andof others. Just stay true to yourself.

My answer might have been different if you werent going to see him around. If you are, its more a case of you controlling that situation rather than finding he does.

Its interesting no one wants to be known to him. Do you know who gave him your contact details.

He messaged me on Facebook so I'm assuming he remembered my name and as it's unusual I'm quite easy to find, otherwise he looked at my mums.
I do understand the family wanting to stay private from him, there was a lot of violence and manipulation from him and so they're scared. Because I didn't witness it I don't know how much to believe (I've heard from others it wasn't always a one sided thing but this person was a lot younger than my parents and didn't see them regularly).
I have decided I will be messaging him towards the end of the week as it gives me time to sort out exactly what to say (if anyone has any suggestions that would be very much appreciated as all I have so far is a simple hi) and also to discuss with family x

I would meet with him. The constant stress of ‘What should I do?’ and ‘What if I bump into him?’ would be worse for me than anything he could say or do. I’m much better when I tackle something head on.

I wouldn’t take anyone with me, because that could be uncomfortable for him and make him defensive, I’d just meet him in a very public place like a coffee shop.

He is most emphatically NOT going to be the Dad you always wanted (and deserved 🌷) so try your best to get your head around that. He’s the person whose sperm helped to create you, he might answer some questions, some you didn’t even know you had, he’s your father, but not your Dad. Sadly, you didn’t have a Dad and will never have a Dad, try to think of him as your father, a biological connection.

I’d like to kick useless fuckers like him to the moon and leave them there. They don’t deserve to be able to reproduce and leave lovely kids without a proper Dad.

Also, don’t worry about accidentally saying anything about the rest of the family. For sure don’t deliberately discuss them and I understand their anger and not wanting him to know about them etc, but if he wants to find out about any of them he can. It’s not difficult in this day and age.

Always, always, remember you have half his DNA but you are NOT half him, you are 100% YOU 🌷

Thank you @AnnieAnoniMoose for your reply your kind words made me smile. I have my mum who has been both my mum and dad and she shall be the one to give me away, and I have my stepdad who I'm so alike people probably think we are related.

I’m pleased your Mum is so lovely and your step dad too - maybe they could both give you away 💐...but not for a long time yet!! I bet your SD is so proud when people think you’re his daughter ☺️

It's possible that he has changed a lot in 18 years. I would be too intrigued to ignore it. Give him the benefit of the doubt, you never know until you try. Good luck.

Hi There,
What a surprise to hear from you out of the blue like this.
After a lot of thought I've decided it might be good to meet up and talk.
How about Victoria Park next Sat at 2pm ?
Cheeselover.

Or something along those lines.

I am afraid I am another one who is suspicious of the maintenance issue. I would also say that if he doesn’t want to answer difficult questions then he isn’t worth bothering with. Parenting is all about difficult situations / questions and frankly it’s the very least he owes you. He can’t expext to swan into your life like it’s an episode of long lost family and all jolly and no questions asked.