Did anyone feel that their marriage was falling apart after your first child, and it got better?

[Momotheathlete]

I have an eight month old DD. She is utterly perfect, and normally sleeps well and is super easy, but has been teething for the last seven weeks so is bit more tough recently. I suppose ever since she was born my husband has occasionally been completely shit and selfish, but also occasionally been totally wonderful and selfless. He tends to get a bit distracted with himself and what he wants to do. For example, tonight my DD was getting ratty and needed to go to bed. He had said that he was going to do bed/bath but chose the moment that she started crying to go and make himself a drink (a cocktail, so not like a glass of water to take with him!) It didn't cross his mind that she needed to go to bed. But also a few days ago she was sick and he caught it in his hand (protecting the carpet) and looked after her so well.

I feel I get so frustrated with him when he's a bit of an idiot. He's a lovely guy, he doesn't have a malicious bone in his body, but he can sometimes be clueless. So a few nights ago I was doing bed time and he came in to the room and farted. It was disgusting and made me so cross. In turn I am increasingly grumpy at him, and I'm concerned that our marriage is now going down not a great track.

Is it just the stage we are in with our daughter? Does it get better? I want to be back to where we were before her.

Yes totally normal, you'll both be adjusting to becoming a family of three. Were you together for long before your dd came along? Also add in sleepless nights etc it's ok to feel a bit grumpy. Been there and luckily came out the other side ok and when baby number two came along it wasn't such an adjustment. Hang in there

Thanks, that's what I needed to hear. I just feel like it's so so hard at the moment.

I think he sounds like a perfectly normal acceptable human being and you’re completely reasonable for wanting to kill him sometimes. On the rare weekends DS(3.5) stays with his grandparents, DP and I shag and eat out and go on day trips and never exchange a cross word. The rest of the time, I spend either adoring him for being a brilliant dad and husband, or wanting to smother him for being a thoughtless idiot. It think it’s pretty normal!

Someone once told me that having a baby was like chucking a grenade into a relationship...

It will, been there! Marriage goes through many phases and ups and downs.
Just as you're getting over this there are the toddler years, a second child, school and homework & then teenagers.
However difficult it gets it's all worth it and the happy times out number the difficult.

It does get easier I think the guys can feel a bit left out sometimes as understandably our attention is focused on the baby. I found what helped was trying to have some time together without little one, even just dinner out now and again if you have someone who would look after the baby. We didn't have a lot of family support so hardly had any together time alone so it's easy to start neglecting each other. I remember feeling how you are describing but I can look back now and see it was all normal. Hope you feel better about things soon

I didn't feel like our marriage was falling apart, but having a baby definitely definitely put it under a massive strain. We were one of those annoying couples who genuinely never argued at all pre-children, but bringing a baby into the mix means you suddenly have more pressure on you in lots of different ways, an enormous opportunity for disagreement about the way things should be done, and like PP says, sleeplessness-induced grumpiness.

It feels hard because it is hard! So go easy on yourselves. It's kind of a matter of what you're both prepared to do to keep your marriage ticking over. It doesn't have to be perfect right now, you just need to keep up the essential maintenance! Hope that makes sense! All the best.

Totally agree with everything said here - I think it would be wierd for a couple not to come under a new, particularly tough type of strain after a child shows up. OP, your dh sounds just like mine! Since arrival of dc1, we have had some massive rows, and ice felt just like you do now and am sure I will again, but here now with 3 month old dc2 I ultimately feel that our relationship is deeper than ever. Good luck

Thank you for your kind words. I really don't want my marriage to be over, but sometimes he just drives me crazy. And having a baby is so so much harder than I thought.

Yes I've heard the hand grenade analogy as well.

Having a baby is a bit shit really. After a while you'll probably have another one and it will get even worse. Hang in there, it's all worth it

It's quite hard. We never had a phase like that after our first child but we now have two (aged 3 and 1) and it's been a real struggle over the last year. We argue much more often and over quite 'petty' things like housework and stuff, I never thought we would end up 'that' couple. DS2 is hard though, he was a tough baby with colic, reflux and a terrible sleeper (still is) and now he's 17 months he's a complete livewire so is always breaking things and hurting himself. I figure we need to just ride out the storm for a while now and it's all normal.

Communication is key though, as is respecting each other and both getting equal and adequate time 'off'. We work hard on those.