Friendship stuff - Tell me how to stop being annoyed, move on and not ruin this.

[Iwantplaits]

Changed name (days of Moldies, socks, New Year meltdown etc). Being vague as outing.

An old friend asked me to go away for weekend at the start of the year. We and meet up a few times a year for lunch as we don't live near each other.

Weekend involves an activity we both like. She did say her husband didn't want to go - not his interest. So would I fancy it? So yeah a 'weekend away doing stuff we both enjoy' !!

In my head it was going to be us 2 old mates doing something we both love and having a great catch up away from domestic bliss.

It is not cheap and involves staying over. We don't live near each other so would be meeting at the town involved.

Several weeks ago I sent an email with a hotel price that was a bargain and asked if should book it or look elsewhere.

She said she had already booked a hotel as her husband is now coming.

Several weeks later and I still fuming. She never mentioned he had changed his mind.

And I am being utterly childish and don't want to go and be 'hanging around like a 3rd part'. It has cost me a lot of money and I feel like not going at all.

I am trying to calm down and think yes she has always had a dependency to her husband and it could be for health issues I am not aware of.

I need to get rid of this grumpy annoyed feeling very quickly and move on cos' I am going to spoil it.

Tell me how do you stop being an annoyed old friend? And become a happy threesome?

Have you already paid for the activity?
Will the husband be doing activity?

I think it’s off that she didn’t let you know that she had already booked a hotel.

Why don’t you ring her and have a chat about it? If you speak to her you might find out why he is coming too. I think if you understand it will help you feel less annoyed.

Is there history here? Because it doesn’t sound tooo awful from what you have written here?

I would be beyond irritated, to the point of canceling. Not telling you was thoughtless rather than malicious, I suspect, but still, it will change the dynamic of the weekend. (And I reserve a particular scorn for women who bring their other halves to other, female-only plans...)

Husband not doing day activity but there at the evening event and the following day events.

I have paid already.

I don't think she did it maliciously either.

I had forgotten that I used to find him controlling with her friendships.

I think this a reminder to myself not agree to things like this again.

Oh I am dreading it.

So he’s not even coming because he wants to do the activity? Ugh, he should just stay home! I feel your pain.

Nah, I wouldn't be going. I hate it when friends pull this shit.

Can you go and do the activity as if you were by yourself? E.g. if it's a yoga thing, just talk to whoever you want?

How did you answer her email? Did you express surprise at the time, or were you polite about it? If you did the polite thing then I don't think you can do much other than suck it up now (or 'remember' a family commitment you can't get out of - 'Such a shame, let's go for a spa day JUST THE TWO OF US sometime in Feb').

Oh I would be raging! I'd tell her so too. What did you plan on doing? I'd have to say something like

"Mary I am really annoyed, you asked for me for a weekend just us, now I have paid you tell me x is coming. You even booked a hotel and didn't say, you've completely excluded me and now I am paying for the privilege of being a third wheel. I seriously unimpressed"

Can the husband buy your activities off you and you just cancel?

I can do some things on my own/with others. But my churlish side is grumbling that I didnt sign up to that.

My response was a brief "oh. Did I miss understand as thought it was just us 2?" . There was a week's silence then she is sending me messages all bright and fluffy and avoiding the weekend away. I can only answer brief messages (in fact got one a few days ago and not responded yet cos I keep getting cross).

I think I will ask about arrangements e.g meeting times to register. I am going to find myself a fuck off luxury hotel to stay overnight and brag about it all night.

Returnofthesmileybar. I think I need to say that. I don't think I will stop simmering until I have exploded calmly asked a few questions and said I am disappointed.

Ah, so she knows you're cross then. Difficult to see what you can do as if you push too hard, you run the risk of her being not allowed to hang around with you again.... alternatively she's just hopelessly devoted to hubby and can't understand why you wouldn't want him there, in which case a bollocking might help.