Anyone with older/grown up DC who's father didn't financially support them? How does it pan out?

[Dorcha]

I'm having a lot of problems with my ex and his lack of emotional and financial support for our three DC.

He has a new family and sees them twice a month, no holidays. He pays the bare minimum of child maintenance via CMS and refuses to help with uniforms and school trips. This leaves us with very little money to live on.

He is incredibly rude to me and has caused so much stress. He has no respect for me and how much I do single handedly for our children.

He always tells the DC what they want to hear and bribes them with sweets and false promises of seeing them more often. It's heartbreaking to hear them begging to see him/do stuff with him.

Will the DC resent him as they grow up? I don't want them to have the negativity in their lives but at the same time I want them to realise what he put us through and that it's a bad way to behave as a parent.

My XH paid up until DD2 left school, then stopped, knowing that I couldn't afford to chase him to support her at university because he had buggered off abroad. He never really bothered with DD2 anyway, and a few months ago, she gave him both barrels in a very measured text that basically told him he was a wanker and to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more. She then blocked and deleted him from all her social media. I am incredibly proud of her for doing so. Kids usually (but it can take some time) realise, when they grow up, which parent it was who did all the work.

My 2 adult children resent him. They have little respect for him and just tolerate him. It's apparent that his loss is greater than theirs.

Friends told me this would happen and they were right.

He will end up a very lonely person. Like candle said they know who did all the work.

Not DC but can answer for myself, my dad left 3 young children, fucked off abroad and never paid my DM a penny. We’re all adults now and think he’s the scum of the earth and wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.

I can also answer for myself, having a father who paid nothing to my mother and treated her appallingly. I am NC with him and have been for years, he has never met my 5yo son his only grandchild. All his own doing.

Yep they will soon see him for who he is.

I raised dd1 by myself with no help from him. He would go missing for months on end then swoop in with money/ gifts and dd would be won over again.

She was very protective over him and often felt sorry for him - even though he was an an utter arsewipe.

But as she got to her late teens she could really start to see what a nobber he was especially since my dh (dd1 step father) really stood up to the plate and shown her what normal dads do.

Mine are 18 and 20 and have worked him out, they have nothing to do with him now, we were always skint but they got whatever I could give and appreciate that as he never paid a penny. I never chased for money as I know he would have tried to blame me for 'taking all his money' as to why he was a shit dad and I just wanted to give them the best opportunity of having a decent relationship with him but sadly it didn't work out that way either but I can honestly say I did my best to support that, he just really was shit!

DS1 is heading into his 2nd year at Uni and DS2 is starting 1st year and moving into halls next week. They have both done me incredibly proud in spite of the way their dad behaved. I don't think he even knows they got into uni and to be fair I don't care. He doesn't deserve to take any credit for how great they have turned out.

Kids are not stupid, you don't need to tell them anything about their dad, they'll suss him out, probably sooner than you expect x

standby my now husband did exactly the same for my boys and they have so much respect for him as he showed them how it should be done

Not my dc but myself.

My father was an all out asshole when my siblings and I were growing up. Proper, grade A prick with a side serving of playing us off against each other. And as soon as we were a) old enough to decide for ourselves and b) able to convince the family courts that we were not being coerced into the decision each one of us refused to have anything to do with him. I have been n/c with him for 21 years now and it is the best decision I have ever made. There is absolutely nothing he could do that would have a positive impact on relationships with my dc at all.

When we were growing up my mum didn't say anything bad or negative about our father but left us to come to our own decisions. Yes, O.P it is absolutely heartbreaking to see your dc treated like this but children are surprisingly perceptive and have a very strong sense of what is and isn't right. Even though ex-h is being an absolute asshole sit back, think all sorts of thoughts about him in your head and let your dc work it out for themselves.

My father is supposed to be dying (and not for the first time either). I won't be going to the funeral but I will be celebrating that he is no longer here

How old are your kids?

Mine are now 13 and 14. Due to xh chaotic lifestyle and toxic second family, kids made the decision themselves over a year ago that they didnt want to stay at his house at any more. He sees them for an hour a week now at mcdonalds, that is the best he can offer them. DS(13) has disengaged with him totally and I fear their relationship will never recover. DD (14) is heartbroken that he no longer makes an effort and sees straight through his lies and bullshit. She has recently been talking about going no contact with him as she finds him too stressful to deal withand doesnt want the drama during her GCSE years.

Kids will work it out sooner than you think.

My ds is 23 now I split from his father when he was 4 his dad moved in with the ow and they were not welcoming to ds (he returned from a visit on his 7th birthday saying or had kicked him his dad called him a fucking liar when I asked him about it) he barely saw his dad I think in one 12 month period he saw his dad once and he took him to do the family shopping in asda then brought him home, we remembers being dropped off earlier than planned so his dad could take his step kids to the pictures. When we was 10/11 ex moved to New Zealand telling me the csa couldn't touch him there, we saw him once after he moved I could probably count on one hand how many times he was in contact ds went off the rails a bit he was angry, he came out and his dad was not supportive at all, his dad died 2 years ago and ds struggles to deal with this he thinks he should feel one way but then says his dad was never there for him or did anything for him so why should he be so sad at the loss. He realises his father never really had much impact on his life and that we struggled financially while his step sister's had everything. It's heart breaking but as an adult he can see what a loser his dad was.

I don't want them to have the negativity in their lives but at the same time I want them to realise what he put us through and that it's a bad way to behave as a parent.

How old are they?

My DC are in their 30s and have very little to do with their Dad. He moved abroad to avoid paying maintenance and the DC knew how much I struggled . As ye sow, so shall you reap .......