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I'm really anxious about seeing a group of people again...advice needed please

14 replies

Emms20 · 02/09/2018 09:02

Hello,
I'm going back to university in three weeks (namechanged for this post, as I've previously said where I go). Last year, I had a miserable year, for various reasons, and on reflection, I think I've realised I was being bullied. I've never felt so uncomfortable in a place, and it culminated in the final week of university, with the boy knocking on my accommodation door, repeatedly. I realise now I shouldn't not have answered it, but I did. It was very threatening, you don't expect someone to be trying to bang the door down at 4am, and the whole room shaking with the effort of him trying to get in.

Anyway, I've not given many details, my post is long enough already, but many things happened which made me feel miserable and uncomfortable. The point of this post isn't that I return to university soon. Over summer, I realised I've been dreading seeing this group of people again out and about. I really don't want to come face to face with them ever again, however it is likely to happen at some stage at the university, or in the town. I don't know how I'm going to react, I don't want to ever feel like I did last year again, I know if I see them that it will bring all the feelings back from last year. I was so weak in front of them, I wasnt myself at all last year, I feel like my whole personality and character was slowly eroded.

over the summer I've become the person I was before going to university. Despite gaining my confidence back, I still don't know what to do, how to react if I see them. I know it will throw me. Does anyone have any advice? Should I ignore them, confront them? I'd be really grateful for any suggestions. Sorry this is so long, didn't expect to write this much.

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 02/09/2018 09:04

where are you going back? to halls? to shared house?
you can be stronger.
this is a new term.
Please contact student support services if necessary.
i would ignore them personally but whatever works for you.

Emms20 · 02/09/2018 09:07

I'm living with my friend in something that is like halls, but they are not university owned. Much happier to be living with her for starters. But I just know that I can't avoid these people forever , I'll see them eventually around campus/town.

I just hate the fact that they still make me feel so uncomfortable.

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 02/09/2018 09:09

I bet they are ok on their own, on a one to one.

LIZS · 02/09/2018 09:10

The anticipation is likely to be worse than reality. Don't go out if your way to avoid but find other social groups including the friend you share with. Did you report the intimidation at the time?

EstherLittle · 02/09/2018 09:13

That sounds awful OP,

Were you in halls last year? Will you be in the same accommodation as these people again this year?

If it helps people in my year at uni we’re going nuts in first year but second year was harder so things calmed down a lot.

The boy who was harassing you - is he on your course?

Whatamuddleduck · 02/09/2018 09:16

You owe these people nothing. Use the truth if you see them “you made me miserable last year, please stay away from me” then walk away and don’t engage any further.
You concentrate on enjoying your course and finding good people to enjoy uni with.

If they bother you,tell the student support team. Harressment is not ok and you will not accept it- yes!?!

HushabyeMountainGoat · 02/09/2018 09:16

Agree that the sooner you get it over with the better in some ways. While you shouldn't seek them out, you also shouldn't change where you would naturally go for fear of seeing them.

You should speak to student services if you haven't already, and absolutely do it without delay if they do anything further.

Emms20 · 02/09/2018 09:21

Yes, I was living in halls last year, I was a first year.

Nope, they don't do my course, however one of the girls who was sort of involved, but pretended to be my friend when she needs me/wants me is on my course. I will definitely see her next year, we are doing all the same modules. To be honest I thought we were friends, however I heard her laughing at me right at the end of the year. It was upsetting, because I thought we were friends. Don't know what to do with that situation either! As I'll definitely see her, and she will act all pally again.

No, if anything, the boy is even worse when's he is on his own. He isn't the one I dread seeing the most, as he is the sort of ringleader. He has such a high opinion of himself, he is so arrogant that he thinks he can control everyone and everything. After being so rude to me, he even thought it was appropriate to ask for my catering card to buy meals on for his girlfriend.

Nope, I definitely will not be living with these people next year. However, it is highly likely I will see them around. It is a small city.

I didn't report. Thought that would make it even worse, as the accommodation set up was quite unique.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 02/09/2018 09:28

I’ve learnt over the years that you have to do what’s best for your self in situations like this.

If you are confronting them to teach them a valuable lesson or to make them change their ways then it’s not worth it.

If you are confronting them to make yourself feel better then it is. Obviously in a one-on-one situation rather than a Westside Story street fight sort of way.

If you feel ignoring them is best for you, then that’s the way to go. They honestly probably haven’t given it you or what they did a thought, which is awful as it’s had such a big impact on you, but in another way is good as they will most likely have moved on. Now you aren’t living there and you aren’t right in front of them they won’t be thinking about you.

Some people are just horrible. I deal with this by feeling happy they aren’t in my circle. I've got nice friends and a nice husband instead. (Obviously we aren’t nice to each other when we are putting up Ikea shelves). Those bastards have got each other for friends. Awful unkind friends who won’t help them move house or bring them a lasagna when they aren’t well.

Focus on yourself and your lovely new year at university.

Emms20 · 02/09/2018 09:50

Yes, I definitely want to ignore them. I just feel like I will get snide comments etc, even more so if I ignore them.

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 02/09/2018 10:12

If plan on being vaguely polite, no details about your life, don't ask about theirs. Nothing that anyone could bitch about you for.
The one on your course, again be polite, whatever she wants help with, you haven't started yet.
Deep breaths, you can totally do this.

Verbena87 · 02/09/2018 10:18

It sounds like you’ve got some confidence back, and sorted out a much better living situation. My bet is they’ll see you’re less vulnerable and leave you be.

Be polite if needed, and if pushed, a raised eyebrow, smirk, and “ah, fuck off” is justifued before you calmly walk away.

Emms20 · 02/09/2018 13:28

Thank you for your advice everyon. My approach will be to ignore, I don't think I'd be very good at confrontation.

Yes, I've definitely got back to being my old self once again over summer. I just don't want to revert to the person I was last year...can't believe I didn't stand up for myself. I was very weak and spineless!

OP posts:
Chottie · 02/09/2018 14:06

OP Flowers

I would ignore them too. Don't engage with them either. They are not worth any head space. Concentrate on why you are at university and where you are going in the future. Have goals and plans and work towards them.

You are not the person you were last year, you know them for who they are.

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them". Maya Angelou said this and she is one wise woman. :)

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