Grown women cannot walk into a bar/restaurant alone

[triwarrior]

I’m interested in the hive mind on this one...I’d arranged to meet a friend for dinner one Saturday night. I was held up (accident on the freeway) and got there about 15 minutes late, and texted her to let her know. By the time I arrived it had started raining and I was surprised to see her standing outside. She was very irritated that I was late and when I said to her, “Why didn’t you go inside?” she reacted with disbelief that I would have suggested such a thing.

In a very un-MN way we agreed to disagree and went on to have a great night, but I’ve been pondering this ever since. I’ll happily go into a bar alone, eat dinner out alone, go to the cinema by myself. My friend wouldn’t dream of going so because of “what she’d look like.” 🙄 Who’s the unusual one here?

I related your post to my friend I’ve just met up with. She’s single by choice, and doubts she’ll ever be interested in coupling up again in life. Not any kind of dramatic statement, just a strong preference.

I had to explain it a few times, because she just didn’t get it. When the penny dropped she looked like ! She said, on that logic she’d be at home every night & weekend on Netflix, instead of the full life of exotic holidays and mini-breaks, eating out and film-buffing that she does now. She wonders where your friend draws her lines? Is bringing a picnic lunch to a public park alone ok or not? Is it just a nighttime rule? If the people were all blind would it still matter? She’s intrigued!

And we agreed, as feminists, that it is one of the saddest examples of a woman internalising the patriarchy that we’ve ever heard! Surely there are enough old-thinking ‘rules’ for limiting women’s behaviour without women themselves writing them!! We may just move to opposite sides of the bar we’re in right now so we can have a drink alone in protest!

A pp used the word tedious and I tend to agree

Granted I'm pushing 40 and got to the point of not giving a crap about others opinions (especially strangers) a while ago

I can't bear the flapping and "oh I couldn't possibly..."crap

By the way, I urge anyone on this thread who feels about eating or drinking out alone to definitely try it. It’d be very freeing.

The only problems that’ll likely arise are that it’s hard to get served if you’re over 40 (and therefore largely invisible), and a deep sense of how silly you’ve been and what you’ve missed out on previously may wash over you at some point.

As a teenager I felt very embarrassed and a saddo waiting alone in a bar for friends - but still went inside. Now I don't give a monkey's arse and do anything I want, chaperoned or alone.

Bollocks. I do all sorts on my own all the time (bars, restaurants, theatre, gigs, holidays). I was single for a very long time; have a DP now but we are long-distance and, in any case, often I prefer to go alone.

Really, no-one gives a shit, even if they actually notice.

There's been a couple of times a bloke has asked if they can share my table - I just pointed out that there were plenty of empty ones. They would have to have the skin of a rhino to argue about it in the face of obvious rejection.

Daft. I would have gone inside and got a table and ordered a drink. Standing up drinking alone at a bar might be a bit more intimidating but even then if anyone hassles you, you can just say 'I'm waiting for a friend' and give them the evil eye if they try to bother you.

I do know some women like this though. Typically, they are cliquey types who always have their posse of BFFs with them everywhere they go so they are not used to doing anything alone. They wouldn't dream of going to the cinema alone or eating alone or anything.

It's not even a safety / harassment thing - I think it's a kind of insecurity about people thinking they have no friends.

I'd be inside and have wine half finished! Can't be worrying what anyone else thinks, not enough care inside me for that shit outdated attitude

I travel, dine, go to the theatre/cinema etc. alone all the time, but there are definitely a lot of bars and pubs where I’d choose to wait outside. It’s not about feeling self-conscious, it’s just that often you can tell somewhere isn’t the sort of place that’s pleasant if you’re alone, I’d rather stand in the rain for 15 minutes than fend off weirdos or be stared at like a zoo exhibit for 15 minutes.

I'd go in alone.

I love going to coffee shops alone. It feels so indulgent, having uninterrupted time to myself to just 'be' (and people watch!) when I'd usually have to talk to someone else.

That's crazy. I would have gone in, ordered a huge glass of wine and read mumsnet on my phone until you arrived 🤷‍♀️

I've always gone into pubs on my own. Never bothered me.

I love going to places on my own! I especially love getting chatting with strangers, but I'm often the weirdo talking to people

Does it really matter? Some women find it uncomfortable, maybe anxious even, for many reasons but don't want to admit it for fear of being called tedious or whatever other boring predictable insult. Heres your Chufty badge for all those who can and like to sneer at those who don't

I'll go to the cinema alone but I dont like doing the others alone.

I think it’s a lack of self confidence, not having a go just saying what I think causes it.

Certainly when I was younger I’d feel awkward and worry about looking like an idiot. Now I don’t care, but I believe I’m more confident.

What country are you in (freeway?)? And how old is she?

I would almost certainly have gone in but I guess there are circumstances where in might not have

Your friend was being silly.

Of course people are going to notice her if she enters a restaurant alone. They will also notice if she enters with another woman, a man, a group of people, etc.

But will they judge her for being alone? No sensible person would. So why should she be concerned about the opinions of idiots?

I'm 46 and I certainly found until this century it was still problematic in most pubs. And as I said even in this century in certain places I wouldn't risk it

Also West of Scotland, and while I agree with your point that there are pubs you'd not go in to as a lone female, surely they're not pubs you'd choose to meet your friends anyway? If you'd feel uncomfortable alone, surely you'd feel uncomfortable as a 2?

I've sat alone at the bar, on a Saturday night, for 40 minutes once. A bit uncomfortable at times, but more comfortable than standing outside!

I’d put proper pubs ( not gastropubs etc ) and some bars in a different category to coffee shops and restaurants. I can see that some of the clientele in certain places might be intimidating to a young person alone.

I’d’ve been bothered by this up to about the age of 25.

How old is your friend?

I work alone in coffee shops for hours on end without a second thought. I’ve dined alone in pubs occasionally and it’s not bothered me. But I’m old!

I used to work with a woman like this when I was in my 20s (she was slightly older). A male colleague and I had arranged to meet her in a City of London wine bar at lunch. Female-friendly place where the vast majority of people would be there for work or casual drinks. Absolutely zero risk of unwanted male attention. We were a bit late and I said to colleague “I hope X has got us a nice table”. He said (contemptuously) “nah, she’ll be waiting outside, she won’t go in alone”. I said “surely not, why would she do that?” But he was right. Baffling. There are some places that I’d want to wait for backup but some women are just weird about it - especially now when a phone provides instant “I’m doing stuff not just sitting here like a lemon” cover.

It's easier now in the days of smartphones. It wouldn't bother me to go in somewhere, order a drink and sit down scrolling mumsnet for a while. 10 or more years ago you'd just have to sit there trying not to make eye contact with anyone. I think i'd rather have waited m, it'd feel less awkward somehow.

If arriving on my own or wanting to go to something no-one else does, as far as I remember always have gone in alone and fully expect that I always will.

What’s wrong with sitting like a lemon Evil.

I must be spectacularly unattractive as I’ve never been harressed in a bar. My favourite part of a evening is often the people watching part when I’m on my own.

I have a friend in her 60s who does this. She is an independent, very professional woman with her own business but will send a text saying “shall we meet in the car park at xx:xx?” If we’re going for dinner.

She comes from a generation when women wouldn’t go into a pub or restaurant alone, I come from s generation where car parks are seedy and you don’t wait around in them!

When I was younger, as soon as walked in somewhere with a group of friends we would have men coming over and making comments, so the thought of walking in alone would be intimidating. But now I'm older, I have more confidence in dealing with this kind of thing. It also depends on how busy the place looks and if there's any seats available.