Are you divorced? About to be?

[indianwoman]

I feel like my marriage has run its course. I've been very unhappy for years with an emotionally abusive husband. I've disengaged so much and he rarely engaged anyway that our conversations nowadays are purely functional. I feel so sad that it should be a better marriage but it isn't .

I'm seeing a solicitor next week to see what the financials might look like in a divorce and that is a major concern, but my most important and worrying thought is the effect on the children. My dc are 11 and 7 and I want to do the right thing by them. The 7 year old has turned into a mini dh, lots of name calling and nastiness. The 11 year old knows her dad is not like other people and has no empathy and makes very wrong parenting decisions, actually they both know that bit.

But I don't know if it is best to stay for them and live with their dad with the not very nice atmosphere and blow up arguments every now and then and seeing the lack of affection or to split. I just don't know how to tell what is the right thing to do.

Can anyone advise how their own children were before and after please? And what would you do/what did you do? Stay or go?

I think I saved my sons self esteem by getting out. They know how their father is. It’s easier if they don’t have to be subjected to his behavior 24/7. Not much you can do about the visitation though. Do your best to never say negative things about your ex to them. They well see you are the bigger person.

Thank you. Anyone else?

I'm in a similar situation to you. We have just separated since may but at the moment are still living together until the house is sold. It's hard, very hard but you will be much happier away from him. He sounds exactly like my dp. My dd8 has never had a good relationship with him, he says they can't connect so I make sure I do everything possible to keep her happy.

It is horrible to live in a house with an atmosphere. I lived through it as a child. My parents separated and then got back together 4 years later and it was hideous. It is far better for them to leave, especially if there is name calling etc from the youngest. Do you want them to treat their future partners the way you are being treated?

No, little candle, I definitely don't. I don't want them to have a marriage like mine at all. But I also don't want to feel I've ruined their childhoods my splitting up with their father when they could have had a father at home. I can live with it for another ten years I think, but it won't be a good example for them.

The thing is, that kids do adapt. You get the odd ones who don't and they all try and take advantage of the situation at one time or another. But there is nothing more miserable than living in an atmosphere. Another 10 years could mean that this behaviour is too ingrained for them to learn something else and by that point, your DC will be abusing you too. It is far better for the kids to be removed from that situation. I get that it isn't easy - I ended my own marriage over cheating and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But within a short time, I had overcome some health issues and both me and the DC were happier.

My daughter was just a baby when we split so now at 4 she knows no difference, my Exh did not want to work things out (left for OW) and looking back I'm so glad. He has cheated again. I remember the atmosphere all too well, the paranoia and arguments and the manipulation. DD would have really suffered, I truly believe children pick up everything from home even if you try your best to hide it. I think to see their mother in a good place is 100% the best thing for them.
Good luck