If you had PND, was your partner supportive or did they not really get it?

[ImTheOnlyOneWhoDoes]

Asking because, even though I didn't realise it at the time, I know now that I had PND after my second baby was born. I never had a proper diagnosis but all the signs were there looking back.

I'm fine now and DC2 is 2 years old. But I've recently found myself feeling really resentful towards DH for how unsupportive he was when I was in that really black period. He's very much a stoic, 'get on with it' sort of person, and he was basically a dick about things back then. Also, I feel like MIL didn't really help things either - far too long to go into but lots of little things. Death by a thousand cuts really. Basically, I felt very judged lacking by both of them during that time, although nothing was ever explicitly said.

I'm so pissed off with both of them that I find it really difficult to be around them when they're together as I just feel myself seething. I keep having dreams about them ganging up on me and keeping secrets from me that I find out about later.

Just wondered if anyone else had had a similarly unsupportive DH/family during PND and how you came back from it.

Depression is just such a hard thing to support.

I know that when I am low, I need my DH to kick me up the arse, make me get out of bed, make me do things.

Otherwise I will just hide in the darkness.

It took me a long time to come to this realisation and I know it will be different for everyone. I don't know if that is the case for you and it may very well not be. I do hope you get some answers

Thank you. Yes I can't imagine I was easy to live with. I definitely behaved out of character. But I feel like it should have been so, so obvious that I was struggling. It's as if they could see it, but it was inconvenient to them to do anything to help me, so they just ignored it and let me keep downing.

Looking back, I had PND but like you it was never diagnosed. It's only now, 15 years later I can see it was there clear as day. The house was a tip, likes and likes of laundry everywhere. Bathroom hasn't been cleaned for ages, hardly got the hoover out. Piles of junk in the kitchen, every unit was full. So many red flags too, for example, I wouldn't open the curtains! I used to sit in a darkened house all day long with newborn DD I hardly ever left the house during the day when DH was in work. Literally on my own for 12 hours a day in the dark

Nothing was ever said, nobody did anything. I was desperately lonely. I was binge eating.

Even to this I don't think DH understands the severity of how bleak those days really were for me. I'm very often saddened when I think back

Just to add, I don't blame DH. He just didn't get it. Not one bit.

@Schmoope

I'm OK now though Wonderful friends, social life, lovely holidays. I feel very grateful.

Bad times don't last forever

I was very fortunate that my DH got it. But he's suffered depression himself and I've supported him through it, so it was easier for him to understand.

But in my support group, so many of the husband's just did not understand and were sometimes angry or annoyed at their wives seeking treatment. As if giving headspace to it and acknowledging what they were going through would make it worse somehow. That they should ignore it and hide it away until it somehow magically disappeared. It was more common than then being supportive sadly.

People have very differing views of what depression is and how it manifests. You didn't realise at the time that you were struggling so it is possible that they didn't either.

I had pnd after my first baby. I was diagnosed and had treatment. Dh never got it and never really tried. He just found me impossible to live with... but then, so did I.

I'm recovered now and fortunately didn't get it again after dc2. It's taken a while for me to get over the lack of support from dh. I resented him so, so much. But two years later I understand much better how it was pretty impossible to help me. I needed professional help and to help myself.

It is a hard thing to support. I had PPP with my first and it was so bad that with my second I had a care plan in place and was under the care of a psychiatrist... Which thankfully I did not end up needed at all as I have been completely fine this time.
It was very hard for my husband. Theres not really a lot they can do other than practical things. My husband supported me by doing a lot of the childcare in the early days and by having patience and not reacting badly to the things I said and did.
He couldnt actually say anything that would help me feel better. And he did have to sort of just 'get on with it' and keep that attitude going.
It might also be that you havent quite recovered yet... can you actually speak to your GP or health visitor about how you felt and how you are feeling?
Because I was also very angry and actually quite paranoid as part of my PND. I did think people were ganging up on me and they all thought I was pathetic.
Looking back they very much werent and actually my husband was very supportive. But at the time I did not feel that... theres no magic words anyoen can say to make you feel supported and happier when you are going through that. Even if you were surrounded by the most helpful and understanding people in the world you would still feel like shite. So its very hard to say. I personally know that my perspective was totally skewed by the depression.

Im sorry you are going through this

Thank you everyone. Some really interesting perspectives here that I hadn't considered.

He was horrendous. Mean and cruel and unsupportive. Told me he couldn't face coming home to such a miserable fat cunt and so didn't. Which meant I was in the depths of hell every single day with no respite. Told me if I told anyone social services would take dd as I was too mental to be a proper mum. My mum died around that time and he told me it was my fault for making her stressed with my behaviour. He then had affairs and left when dd was 4. I don't think I have recovered yet from it all and we split 8 years ago. It was the most awful time and I would always urge anyone to get to a gp fast rather than suffer alone.
Apologies for the self indulgent moan!

Not sure. I had awful pnd with my first and my husband wasn’t very supportive at all. It nearly broke us and it took us 6 years to have another baby. He is 8 weeks now and I have been diagnosed with pnd again. I haven’t even told him this time but just getting on with sertraline and cbt in my own. It’s easier that way. I manage to put on a front for the couple of hours a day that we see eachother and it is just less stressful for me this way. If I dwelled on it it would break my heart but right now I’m just focussing on coming out the other side for my beautiful boys.

How awful and what a shame that it seems to be so common.

so, so obvious that I was struggling. It's as if they could see it, but it was inconvenient to them to do anything to help me, so they just ignored it and let me keep downing.

I am very sorry that you have been going through this, and i have some idea of how tough it must have been for you. Depression/PMD is horrid for the person suffering, it is however not easy to support someone, especially without a diagnosis. If they claimed not to 'believe' the diagnosis, or to poohpooh what help you needed, but undiagnosed....

I am close to someone to has been diagnosed and still find it difficult to impossible to do anything to help. They tell me they need space, and i try to give this but oh how i long to be able to do something useful.

It cannot be helpful for you to think that they deliberately understood what you needed and withheld that from you in your hour of need. It would be much better for your mental health to be glad that you know know and can share what you need. Are you completely recovered now?

20:20 hindsight is one thing, but being to articulate what you need in the moment is so, so difficult. I would encourage you to go a bit easy on them, for the sake of your own MH. Maybe you still need something, some acknowledgement or at least something, to feel you can feel closure round this.

That's a really helpful post, thanks Finally. Whoever it is in your life who has been diagnosed is lucky to have you.

I like you, didn't realise I had it. But I did, really badly. DH suspected, and tried to help,but I refused to acknowledge it and wouldn't ask for help. I also wouldn't tell him what I needed from him (such as please don't go out, I know you can do sod all with baby but I need company).

I now have antenatal depression (recognised and support sought by both of us) and he is being very supportive, so hopefully he will be the same when it becomes PND again.

DH didn't really want to accept it - he just wanted everything to be ok. To some extent I think part of the problem is the MH problems still aren't talked about enough, because a lot of us feel embarrassed when we have them, and also because there isn't just one set of symptoms and there isn't just one cure. When I broke a bone, DH was very supportive - and I think that is partly because it was something he understood, there was an obvious solution, and a know time for recovery. It's so much more complex with MH problems - and the recovery time is far from certain.

I don't think either of us understood it really but we pulled together as we had two babies to see to. I realise I was lucky.
We divorced for other reasons!