Child Maintenance

[TheresAlwaysAnAskHole]

I didn't ask for any for years due to ex having debts.l and not wanting to make things worse.

Something was set up 4 years ago privately after ten years of no support. We had a big argument a few weeks ago and I asked CM to get involved as I was unsure if financial support would be withdrawn and ex refused to communicate with me.

Previous agreement was £80 a month.
His income would make it £120 a month.
However, HMRC count his company car with paid insurance, fax and fuel etc. as income meaning CM would say he had to pay £260 a month.

I'm torn, it wasn't about getting more money but I do want a fair amount for my son, £260 a month would be great for us as a family, we aren't skint but we don't live extravagant lives either. I feel a major guilt knowing it is such a significant amount from ex's income he isn't used to and will affect what he can do on the days he has our son. Him and his wife are also expecting a baby in two weeks. Everyone telling me to put child first and take the money but I feel so terrible at the consequences to ex.

I have until Tuesday to decide whether to reinstate a private agreement which ex has said he will now pay £120 going forward.

Following arguement, we are now back in contact but I am also concerned ex may now only be making an effort to resolve things due to the finance issue.

You don't trust him to pay though, and nor should you given he didn't bother for years and then you're worried about it being withdrawn if you fall out.

Take the money! Can you open a claim for back pay?

He’s taking the absolute piss and if he’s paid what he owed his children from the start neither of you would be in this situation.

His new baby, his car, his outgoings are not your problem and you’re being far too soft about it when you and the children the two of you made together have been missing out.

Take the money. Take every penny.

Leave it to cms. It will be reduced when his new dc arrives anyway. If he couldn't afford to support 2 dc he should have worn a condom!!

Sorry, posted too soon.

I'd go via the cms. Every time. You shouldn't worry about what he does during his contact and if there is an excess with the increase in payments then bank it.
Things like driving lessons and uni are coming up fast.

It's difficult. Whilst we would benefit from the extra income, I find it hard morally to make someone go from paying £80 to £260 a month when they have a new baby. He's always paid the agreed amounts but things happened these last few weeks that have made me unsure of if he would continue.

My DH is adamant his personal circs are not our problem. I find it hard to view it quite so black and white. If I have more of his income I'm worried what the stress will do to him and therefore how it would affect our son.

I also feel it's a cruel time to do such a thing with the baby being due now too!

The amount will get reduced a bit when he has his new baby.

The reduction for subsequent children is pretty minimal, so it wouldn't make a great deal of difference to the calculation. Around £30 a month on £260. I have never understood that if supporting half of a child's cost in another home can cost £260, a child you have to house, feed etc. potentially on your own, only needs £30 a month. The system is flawed in many many ways.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do i this situation OP, but I think if it was me I would accept the £120 as that's his 'true' income.

Take the 260 and give him back the difference

His new baby is his and his DPs responsibility. If you were having another child would he give you more money to support it or assume you and your DH were going to and that it was nothing to do with him?

Morally? Where were morals when he left your child without financial support for 10 years he should consider it generous if you don't apply for back pay. The amount will be adjusted once his new child is born so don't worry about him.

The point of the cms is as your dh said it’s not your issue.

Bear in mind the cms is the legal minimum which he hasn’t concerned himself about previously

His basic salary before any bonus he earns is £18,000. I know he earns more, maybe 22,000 but ignoring that I've done a calculation on his take home pay to be £1300 a month. He has nothing to pay on his car so I'm struggling to see how he cannot afford £260? We've supported a family of 3 on not much more! Add to this his wife's salary is around £30,000 too, with no children (yet) I'm not sure how this would actually be unaffordable, presuming the mortgage on their house is around £600 per month (average for house type and area). His wife's car may be on finance but it's not a luxury vehicle, around £15000 new. Mortgage in wife's name so he is telling me he will have to reduce what he gives her for the mortgage yet why should I care when my DS will have presumably no stake in that house and she is no doubt going to put her biological child(ren) first.

If my calculations are right, they have around £3000 per month coming into their home, as a family of 4 we live off around £1500 a month and that includes running a car.

I'm actually baffled now at where their money goes!