Should every woman considering divorce "get her ducks in a row"?

[lborgia]

Asking for a friend

The girlfriends I have who have got divorced have all been shafted, left in really appalling situations, and astonished by what their ex's have done.

I, on the other hand, felt that all three of those men were seriously abusive to begin with. Certainly emotionally, and in many respects financially.

I don't know anyone who got divorced who had a relatively fair outcome. They all feel that in hindsight they should've spent time getting their acts together before trying to leave.

So my very small survey is not helpful.

Have you initiated a divorce and felt you came out of it with a equitable, civil, if not amicable arrangement?

Thanks very much.

Sorry, reading back I sound judgy. What I meant was that looking back We shouldn't really be surprised because they were not very nice to their wives throughout the marriage, as opposed to husbands who were just useless or similar..

I got my ducks in a row, without really realising it.

I had been working in dhs business for 4 years so was dependant financially. For no reason I decided I was going back to work, outside his business. I wanted to have some independence.

Looking back now, I knew divorce was where it was heading. I started saving money, made sure all my bills were paid and my credit rating was good. I became super organised with all home admin. Made sure I knew where the bank statements, business accounts were.

Again, at the time I just thought that being back at work and having to be really organised was spreading into other areas. But now I can see it.

I wouldn't say the divorce was fair. But I wanted it over quick and getting organised helped that. I could have dragged it out and got more. But cutting ties were more important.

Oh and yes divorce is a huge step so, where possible you should take time to prepare.

You would research and prepare for a house move, job interview, picking uni, getting married......All the big things.

It makes sense to do it for divorce.

Mmm, thanks. Yes, I think that is what might be happening here... I'm looking at everything differently and feeling as if I'm prepping for something, but know that my dh wouldn't try and screw us over.

Having said that, who knows how anyone would behave in that situation. I'm so sad and frustrated, and trying to push on through, but meantime I'm mentally thinking through whether I should prepare for the worst. I suppose up til now I would just snap one day and walk out.

I didn't think at all about the financial ramifications of divorce. As a result I was well and truly shafted.
I was a mature student so at least he couldn't touch my student grant. The car loan was in my name, we had a joint bank account but he kept lots of cash hidden which I knew about but didn't think he would deny. I went for a divorce after two years separation and basically signed everything to him apart from him having to pay me half the equity in the house. I just wanted rid.

When I discovered all the cheating I also realised how precarious my financial situation was. He'd been quietly removing my access to accounts and selling the small number of assets I had. I hadn't put the pieces together beforehand.

If I'd gone for a quick divorce then I knew I would come off terribly. So I spend a year getting my ducks in a row. It was a very hard year but worth it.

Once the divorce got underway he tried the "lets be amicable and do this ourselves" i.e. I get completely shafted.

Then "I'll get a solicitor so it's all fair"i.e. I get shafted legally.
To "I'll fight for the DCs if you don't agree" ie I get shafted because he says I will
And my favourite "We'll get divorced then sort out finances" i.e. I'll sneakily shaft you while pretending I'm not.

In the end I blocked the divorce, took him to court and got a fair share. I do feel I could have pushed for more but I was happy with the outcome.

All this took time and I was able to do it because I was able to keep hold of my emotions. Some people have to confront and get it all out, and in this type of situation it's a disadvantage. Credit also to my shit hot lawyer who kept me grounded, laughed with delight when he saw the lawyer my ex chose, and allowed me to pay his bill over time.

With hindsight I received incredibly good advice early doors from a solicitor from wikivorce to told me under no circumstances to leave the house. (I had been thinking of going into rented)