DH has just come home drunk and thrown up everywhere

[Diorissimo1985]

And I want it to be the last time. But the last time it happened he promised that was the last time. He gets so drunk he can't stand, he vomits, he can't undress himself, his hangovers last five days.

He won't help me with our DD (9 months) all weekend as a result of tonight. It's our wedding anniversary on Sunday and I don't like him very much right now.

He has a strange relationship with alcohol - very socially awkward and he says he can't talk to people without it. Yet he drinks so much he makes a fool of himself and hates himself afterwards. He describes having a first drink as like lighting the ignition on a gas cooker. It just doesn't seem normal to me.

However he has just been to work drinks which started at 4 (he started a new job two weeks ago so these are new colleagues). He is absolutely smashed and he always gets like this in any social drinking situation. It affects our home life - money is tight but there's always money for him to buy drinks it seems.

I don't know why I'm posting, I'm just sad. I'm in DD's room so I don't have to sleep next to his sweaty, vomit-reeking body. All he said when he got in was "I'm sorry I've let you down again but it was always going to happen".

I'm at my wit's end. Please does anyone have any advice? Or just a hand hold. Sorry I probably haven't explained my thoughts very well.

• In all fairness I actually wouldn’t leave DD with him. As much as he may deserve it and it’s unfair that now you’ll have no help all weekend that would be very irresponsible and DD May suffer.

I wouldn’t however allow him to spend all day in bed feeling sorry for himself. Tbh I’d probably set his mobile alarm to go off every hour and hide it somewhere in the room then take DD out for the day.

If this wasn’t a regular problem I would have sympathy but I don’t think anyone knows how frustrating or unfair it feels until you’ve dealt with a partner who does this and YOU end up with all the consequences.

Tell him to get help or you are leaving. He needs help with the social anxiety and help with the problem drinking. If you were in the UK there would be services to help with these things. Where are you? Can he start with a visit to the GP? These things are non negotiable. You can't live like this.
If he refuses to get help or minimises the problem then get yourself and your baby out of there.
In the meantime I agree with the suggestions to go out for the day. I would not want to set eyes on him.

He’s an alcoholic. You can’t change him. Leave.

As an emetophobe, I couldn't be with someone who regularly went out and purposely made themself do the one thing that sets of my anxiety (be sick!)

I am aware that my phobia may affect my opinion but it is completely unacceptable for anyone to do this. And to do it regularly is just disgraceful.

Get out of the house, is there anywhere you and the baby could go and stay (family, friends?) Let him stew in his own filth and shame.

He needs to pull something serious out of the bag here - like seeking help and immediately stopping any alcohol.

Sorry I see you are abroad so have no family close by.

I'd be contemplating a trip home though. Leave him to make a choice. Get sorted or you won't come back.

how disgusting.

leave that note. he gets help for his addiction or you are gone. Living with an addict will only get worse. Sadly he will.probably.choose the drug.

you need to get out before your.daughter is old enough to notice.

Are you actually a sahm or are you on maternity leave? This makes a huge difference.

Your dh is an alcoholic. This wont be an easy life for you or your chcild if nothing chNges. Only you can make those changes for you and your child.

Thanks everyone.
I woke up this morning with DD and we are now out for the day, didn't wake DH. I have left a note saying clean up the mess and yourself and I will come home to talk.

We are in Jersey so we have private healthcare but I will insist he sees a GP. If says he isn't an alcoholic but I think a GP may disagree.

I'm a SAHM now as I handed in my notice 6 weeks ago as I didn't want to return to work. No family here at all, and few friends as we have only recently moved.

Why did you move away?

He may not be an alcoholic in the sense that he is alcohol-dependent. By which ever way you look at it he is a problem drinker.
He needs to get some support from an alcohol service to work on this. And CBT for social anxiety. I am sure there is help locally. But unfortunately you can't make it happen, only he can do that.

You can be a binge drinker and have a problem with alcohol.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/selfassessment

No advice, but my father is an alcoholic who goes through periods of being dry then falls off the wagon in spectacular fashion and drinks a bottle of gin a day for months at a time, and I absolutely detest it. Huge sympathies. Hope the house is less stinky and he's open to discussion when you get home.

He needs to get help for his social anxiety and for his binge drinking. If he doesn't, you need to get a job, get your ducks in a row and leave him. Some alcoholics manage to change, but only once they admit there is a problem and choose to change. Very many do not manage this. My husband was in the latter group and I had to make him leave our house last December. I am burying him on Friday. Don't go on like this, think of yourself and your DD.

In your position I'd be considering my work options OP. You seem to have left yourself in a position where you feel you've lost your power - does that seem like an accurate comment?

Do you want your DD growing up, seeing this as normal?

If I were you it would be the last time, one way or the other. If it happened again the marriage would be over. I couldn't live with an alcoholic and like hell would I let my kids see him like that.