PND (or not) - I hate it

[AgentCooper]

Not sure what I want to achieve here other than just a rant. My DS is 11 months old and my mood has not been good since he was 3 months. We had a difficult birth and extended hospital stay and then as he had silent reflux (which took until he was 11 weeks to get diagnosed) I got approx 1.5 hours sleep a night as I was sitting holding him upright and watching Netflix until DH took over at 5am. Through all this I was shattered but OK. Then when we got ranitidine and he started sleeping a wee bit better (albeit in my bed) I just crashed. Hideous anxiety that made me want to die. Since then I haven't been right, my mood has been very low, with feelings of total hopelessness and bleakness, with some good days, and some days of excruciating anxiety.

I was already on 100mg Sertraline through pregnancy as I have a diagnosis of generalised anxiety disorder. Because of this, my family were very much of the opinion that I don't have PND, that this is just me and I will ride it out. I haven't ridden it out. But I feel like a fraud, saying I think I have PND. Other mothers get PND, I'm just defective, always have been, always will be. This is why I waited so long to go to the doctor.

I recently went to the doctor and got a referral to psychiatry. All the psychiatrist was willing to do was increase my Sertraline to 200mg, even though I've been on that dose before and not felt any benefits. She referred me for therapy, which has a 3-4 month waiting list. She won't change my meds because she thinks doing so could affect DS negatively (breastfeeding), which made me feel like a monster for asking. She says I'll feel better when DS sleeps better (he still wakes several times) so effectively if this dose increase fails to help I need to stop breastfeeding and try sleep training, neither of which I wanted to do. I know I need to get better but fuck, I hate that my stupid mental health may mean that the choice gets taken from me.

I hate that my poor, beautiful wee DS has to be part of this mess. I know that plenty mums probably have it much worse than I do but God, I wish I could just have been more stable so I could have enjoyed his babyhood and my mat leave. It just feels so fucking unfair, but also that I should have seen it coming.

I have no advice but didnt want to read and run. It sounds very much like PND. Please consider going a little easier on yourself, you sound like a great mum, doing your best, and you have had a shit time of things. I'm sure someone more helpful will come along but I just wanted to send some virtual support

I don’t have any advice but you aren’t defective. You have done all the right things seeking help and it sounds very much like PND.
I hope someone comes along with something more constructive to say but in the meantime be kind to and look after yourself

Hi - it can be crippling hell. Why not approach your HV for support?

Hey, I’m on my second silent refluxer we waited 6 years to do it again as we were so traumatised from first time around. And here we are again. It is so so hard and relentless. I have not met a mother of a reflux baby who hasn’t got pnd. I think it’s pretty unavoidable with the exhaustion that comes with a refluxer. You are amazing

Thanks for your kind words, everyone and for reading such a long post. I just needed to vent these feelings tonight.

MrsPatrick, I am going to speak to the HV as she's coming on Thursday to discuss DS's sleep. She seems very nice and understanding so hopefully she'll be able to offer more than 'he should be sleeping through by now' (what the psychiatrist said).

Lndn, YOU are amazing to do this twice! I really hope things improve for you and your wee one as soon as possible.

It sounds hideous OP.

I don't want to be insensitive here but it sounds as though you've been given the best option to allow you to continue BF? It's not that "all" they can do is up your current medication, but this is the best way for you to carry on feeding? Which you say you want to do?

I have a similar issue. I have a 7mo (neonate, diagnosed with a rare genetic condition and has global development delay) and I also have a physcial health issue. My baby is tube fed and I've been expressing but this has limited my choice of medication. I've now made the decision to stop expressing so I can have the stronger medication.

I'm not criticising and I am not wholly if the opinion that PND can be "cured" with medications but your quality of life is important too. You need to be happy and healthy so maybe you need to consider alternatives?

There’s lots of other safe medications to use whilst breastfeeding. Look at The Breastfeeding Network website and FB Page, they are very helpful.

I had severe PND/anxiety with a reflux baby and was on Propanolol and Venlafaxine.

You are right, Crunchy, it is a case of continue feeding vs change meds and I know that the sensible thing to do at 11 months is probably stop feeding. Emotionally I just don't feel ready for that, and am terrified of how little sleep I might get if I have to settle DS at night without breastfeeding. I know that I will probably soon have to just gird my loins and do it. I don't think medication is the sole answer but waiting 3-4 months for therapy will be tough. I hope you and your wee one are well, it sounds like you have had a lot to deal with.

Pipe, that's what I thought too! I asked the psychiatrist about different meds I've heard of others taking while BFing but she said the issue is that DS has been exposed to Sertraline since being in utero and chopping/changing could be bad for him. No easy answers

I went through exactly the same thing. I'm on 40mg if paroxetine & am BF. Could you ask your GP to change you over?

I BF my first for 2.5 years and I'm 6 months in with my second.

That's reassuring to hear Bryn - had you been on a different AD before paroxetine?