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When do you move on after a divorce-meeting someone new?

6 replies

onetimeposter · 31/08/2018 11:05

Hi all,
I got divorced 2 years ago and was separated for a year before that.
It has been a long and difficult process and for personal reasons we are no contact.
I am busy with my children and own my own home, but am starting to wonder if I will be alone forever. I'm really bloody lonely. Each night sat alone, I'm lucky to have the kids but it isn't the same.
I would have no idea how to meet anyone new, I find it very rare that I'm attracted to someone, but I have been attracted to both men and women.
The thought of having sex with someone new feels really weird though. I was with ExH for 15 years and just have become accustomed to his body. Like the colour of his skin, and the hairs on it, and how he always wore white underpants. I can't imagine being able to go near another body as it would feel so unfamiliar.
I do miss the nice parts of the ex but the nasty parts made it impossible to stay in touch.
I hear of women who have slept with other people less than a year later and that is fine but it seems alien from my own experience. I just can't see it ever happening or finding someone I want to be with sexually-I haven't been attracted to anyone.
I feel a bit numb inside, do you think I should get drunk and go on Tinder to get it over with, to see if it might ignite something inside?
Would appreciate any replies. I feel so old, scruffy and inhuman. I don't groom but would do if there was a point, I do start work soon so that will make me make more of an effort.
I was average but well presented before, now I am just invisible, hair scraped up in clean but plain clothes.

OP posts:
Brandnewstart · 31/08/2018 11:14

You mention your ex a couple of times. Do you feel like you are over him? Have you had any counselling?
In my case, I was with my ex for 12 years then found out he was having an affair. I kicked him out but honestly believed I would never find anyone again. What helped me, and this is just my own experience, was having a couple of one nice stands... boosted my confidence and made me feel alive. I absolutely appreciate this isn’t for everyone!! I ended up meeting me partner on a night out and we’ve been together three years now. I just didn’t get on with online dating. What I did do though was go out. Would accept invites to parties etc if the kids were with their dad. I would also make a big effort. My poor partner must look at me now and wonder what happened 😂.
Basically accept invitations, go out, have fun... we are a long time read!

Brandnewstart · 31/08/2018 11:14

*dead

Talith · 31/08/2018 11:22

I instantly threw myself into lots of casual sex but via Guardian Soulmates, so it wasn't random men from the local pub but people I had a few things in common with - they have a 'fling' option. It was cathartic and made me feel part of the human race again not a frumpy discarded 40 something.

After a while I realised I hated the thought of one of my flings in particular having other partners and he felt the same so we went exclusive and coming up to a year now. I needed to shake off the cobwebs first I think. Some people say that's quick but I'd felt unloved for years so I was craving intimacy. Good luck!

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Choosegopse · 31/08/2018 11:26

I know too well how you feel. I think you should start by making an effort and looking nice. I know how it is to get in a rut when it feels like there is no point and you might as well just slob around but I think if you start looking nice you change your energy and look open to new opportunities iyswim

Brandnewstart · 31/08/2018 11:27

I felt very unloved too... especially as my ex wouldn’t have sex with me but had an affair. I was very sexual before meeting him and needed to reawaken that side (sorry if TMI).

onetimeposter · 31/08/2018 11:35

Hi
Re the ex, I remain somewhat head-messed about him. He gave me an sti, which is now treated. I think I'm scared of sex now Sad
I've had loads of therapy.
I do think looking nice will help. I'm so bloody tired of the responsibility of the kids, I never get to go anywhere, no babysitter etc, so it all seems a bit pointless. Haven't had a bath in a week (though do strip washes every couple of days).
I'm currently in jeans and the t shirt I slept in.
I do feel a 40 year old mess. I have developed bags under my eyes-look exhausted (but would probably be ok with makeup)
The thought of having sex with men who are probably shagging every other woman in my town makes me feel sick tbh
I am on antidepressants which kill the drive, I don't think that helps.

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