Dating a widower

[CMH123]

Morning,

I found the thread 'if you've been bereaved' incredibly helpful, and it's prompted me to ask for advice.

I'm divorced, have recently grown very close to a chap who was widowed mid 2017. Absolutely nothing physical has happened. We both want it to, but he isn't quite ready so we've both decided to wait.

He has a 9 year old son that I met last week as I was genuinely in the area - they live 100 miles from me. It was in the context of being a friend that's passing through the area so met for lunch. Little boy is adorable and surprised me with a big hug at the end, and apparently told his Dad that he liked me. He's said hi to me if his Dad and I have been on the phone a few times too, both before and after meeting me.

I think I'm just asking how to do any of this sensitively. I didn't know his wife. From what I've been told, she sounds like she was an incredible lady. More than anything, I want to be respectful towards her. She died through illness that lasted around 6 months

If anyone has any advice at all, I'd be really grateful. Thank you.

I forgot to add, if anyone could rexommend any books that might helo, that'd be great. I've just ordered Rio Ferdinands one.

I have no personal experience but knowing 2 friends in the past who have met and married widowers [then divorced] I would just say to be ultra sensitive and give him plenty of time, not to rush anything at all.

The son sounds adorable but will still not have worked through his grief, nor will his dad. Take it very slow, let him come to you, accept what he offers and don't push it.

One friend met a widower and married within the year of the bereavement. Every weekend he would go to his wife's grave for hours, get upset and this went on for a couple of years. They divorced as friend said it was ruining every weekend and they could not have a normal life. Obviously I do not know about other aspects of the marriage.

Second friend met a widower 6 months after the bereavement, married within the year too. Initially she was irritated then angry, by the fact he kept all wife's clothes and belongings in a bedroom, and wouldn't get rid of them. He wasn't ready. They moved house for a fresh start and I think a lot was cleared then but I don't know for sure. After another move of house in a short space of time they split up. What didn't help was the widowers son who was strongly against my friend from the word go and had a lot to do with it.

It's a delicate situation but I think letting things take their course, not to expect too much, to be understanding and patient as he works through his feelings is the only way to go. It will take time. Let them both come to you, don't push.

Its less than a year since his wife died, no doubt, both he and his son will be in shock and grief.

I was that widower, my partner died after an accident and i rushed into relationships and they all failed because all i wanted was my fiancee back again and a Mum for my daughter, esp as i thought a man can't bring up a kid on his own... yeah stupid!

Sure it can work, grief affects everyone differently but it is extremely tiring for the new woman, especially so early in.
My only advice to you is to be very careful around his son, he might well latch onto you as a replacement Mummy, if you pair split up, he ll be hurt all over again and don't try to be this mans counsellor, it will never work, encourage him to get professional help, whether he thinks he needs it or not!

Thank you both for your advice, it's genuinely very much appreciated. They both had some counselling initially through the Royal Marsden hospital, but I've told him that they both need a lot more. He has accepted that and is in the process of organising it.
I am taking this incredibly slowly out of self protection.
Many thanks again.